All knees

Apr 11, 2010

 Well I have scheduled a formal consultation with Dr. Stewart.  My sister and I are both having our consult on April 22nd.  Hopefully we can schedule the surgery for shortly after the end of the semester.  I keep tossing back and forth.  One day I am so happy and committed to the prospect of surgery.  I know it is not the golden ticket.  But I also know how hard I've worked.  I know I'm not a lazy bum.  I know that if I keep trying, as I always have, surgery will finally allow for all my labor to bear fruit.  However, part of me is sad that I won't be able to just eat as I do now.  That is change and I hate change!  I'm a bit scared, after all these years, to not have food as my fall back.  I know how cliche it is to say that food is my friend.  It is also my artistic outlet.  I guess I have a little anxiety over how people will treat me.  Some on here have prepared me for the worst.  I'll be honest:  I would be a little heartbroken if 100lbs. from now I still didn't get any attention from guys, or have more of my acquaintances wanting to befriend me.  Even the idea of people treating me better is a little scary.  I guess I've kind of shrugged people off for a long time.  If I wasn't good enough for them before, why would I be then?  I have mixed emotions about being treated better. 

I also worry that I'm forever a fat person.  I might be different physically, but I don't know how to overcome this shadow of doubt I call weight.  Years of second guessing myself, being tormented by kids, holding my breath wondering if the airplane seatbelt will buckle--can I really ever get over that?  I guess that's my greatest fear about this surgery.  I know the surgery can only do its part and I'm scared I can't do the rest.  I know that sounds lame.  It is.  

It's almost that time of year I dread the most.  I love winter clothes.  I don't have to worry about all that skin showing, or how pale my skin is.  No clothing is fun at my size, but at least I can look well dressed an polished.  I find it much harder in the spring/summer.

I have recently realized the size of my ankles and how puffy my feet look.  I suppose I've always known that I had fat feet.  Almost any nice dress shoe digs in to the top of my foot.  But this issue was brought to my attention last summer.  My tiny-size-2 sister had a baby and went on and on about how disgusting and puffy her feet were.  When the swelling went down she shouted praises.  My feet remain puffy.  Of course she didn't know, and I don't hold it against her.  That was the first time I learned to loathe my feet.  

Does it ever bother anyone when skinny people complain about fat or fat side-effects?  Sometimes it does, sometimes not.  You know that movie In Her Shoes with Toni Colette?  I remember in that move Toni's character thinks she's so fat and says that's why she likes shoes, because they always fit.  Clearly she has never walked in my shoes...er my feet I should say.  

Along those same lines of skinny people claiming to be fat...sometimes they do it because they are sympathizing with me.  My grandmother was talking about how she was such a cow at 160 (her highest weight).  Gee, I'd love to be a "cow."  Trying to be helpful, she told me the diet she went on in the 8th grade to lose 20lbs.  This explanation is so simplistic to me.  This is not about me wanting to lose 20lbs. for vanity purposes!  I know each person fights his or her own battle, but sometimes this does bother me.  I'm glad they want to be proactive about their health, but they have no idea what it's like to be my weight.  They don't know about the shortness of breath, wanting to work out and then feeling like black out, worrying about chair and seatbelts incessantly.  

Oh yeah, back to summer clothes.  So I changed over my closet and met with the enemy again.  Luckily shrugs are in style, so my arms find some shelter.  I have not worn shorts in probably 10 years.  In fact, even skirts and dresses are miserable unless I wear bikers shorts underneath.  My legs rub together and sweat...yuck.  I would love to some day wear shorts.  I cannot tell you how rewarding that would feel.  I got to thinking about this yesterday as I threw my friend's bridal shower.  Here were all her gorgeous friends, all wearing short dresses, with perfectly tanned and toned legs.  I've never seen so many knees in my life.  I felt a little out of place.  I looked good, great in fact, but I was still in an entirely different category.  I looked good for a fat person.  I know I'm not the only one who has ever made that distinction.  

By the way, I'm sharing all of this personal information partly for myself, and partly for anyone else at the same place I am.  I know that it has been so helpful for me to hear that I'm not the only way to think the way I do.  I guess misery loves company.  I wish more people kept these blogs up, especially preceding the surgery.  We hear so much about afterward, but I find that it is very difficult to sort through the issues before surgery.  Of course that is all I know about right now!  So I hope it is helpful.

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