brownblonde
Week 11 update
Aug 10, 2010
Weight lost this week: 2.6Total weight lost: 45.4 (I think)
My sister took the wonderful 0.2 increment scale so now I'm dealing with my 0.5 increment scale which also happens to weigh heavy. Luckily I've been periodically weighing on it and I know my starting weight on this scale, so this should be a fairly accurate reading.
I actually think I have a few surgery-related quandaries this week. First, I noticed that my ankles have been popping a lot. It's almost every time I go to stand! And when my ankle doesn't pop, it's a bad feeling to walk. So I hope everything is okay with that. Also, my muscles have been achy. I've had a lot of falling asleep sensation, but now my legs feel a bit like "growing pains" again. I wonder if that is a problem with hydration/electrolytes so I am drinking down the powerade zero water.
This week was pretty uneventful, which was actually quite nice. Entertained on Saturday, of course. I smoked a pork loin that I marinated in some bourbon, rubbed with a bbq dry rub, then stuffed with a mix of plums, jalapenos, cumin, green onions, and cilantro, and then glazed it with a sauce made of some butter, bourbon, plum sauce, dijon mustard. Of course I only ate a few bites of this. But I have been focusing on protein first. I then had a couple bites of sweet potato and about 1 spear roasted asparagus. Ut oh. Pork is not very easy for me to eat and I was reminded the hard way. The next day for leftovers I took it VERY slowly. I know I don't follow the eating plan that a lot of people do, but I focus on protein, next focus on flavor, and it is something I know I can do forever. That is worth more to me than knowing I might have lost an extra pound this week. By the way, I don't know about you but I think my weight loss is pretty decent. I'll certainly take it! I also notice that I tend to lose different amounts of weight at different points in my cycle, so I'm good with the 2 1/2 this week. Progress, my friends!! That being said, I have heard that some people must avoid carbs or they can't help themselves. Y'all need to be honest enough to know what does or doesn't work for you and what does or doesn't make you tick. I have never been "bar the cupboard doors" eater. I've merely been a "I'm hungry" and "oo that looks good" eater. I ate too big of portions of all foods. That is abundantly clear to me now. But I was never a quart of ice cream eater or box of cookies eater. I ate very well before, just too much. I am a foodie and so I really love food--but that is actually a quality I'm okay with because I've always said at least I got fat eating good food and not running through a drive-thru. All this goes back to me saying please be honest with yourself. Just because it's working for me does not mean it will work for you. I know that the restrictions would not work for me. I'm the kind of person who when someone tells me not to do something, my mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out when and how I'll do it. I could avoid carbs, probably with great success, for a good, long, time. Maybe even for several months. And then one day, when my sleeve has maybe relaxed a bit, there would be a donut or a hot pan on cookies--and then all hell would break loose and nothing could bring me back from the brink. I'm not a binge eater like that--except for when I'm "dieting" and that's why I refused to diet with the sleeve. Wow that got far off base.
My other quandary has been with regard to mood swings. I had been feeling GREAT and suddenly yesterday I crashed. I felt bipolar. I don't know whether this is a side effect of surgery, my life situation, or both. For more of an explanation, kind of off topic...
You see, I started my graduate program's "math camp" on Monday. It was a little bit last minute (I deferred Clemson), and I went into it with a lot of fear and anxiety. First, I am probably the only one in the program not accepted into the Ph.D., but rather the master's (whereas I was accepted into the Ph.D. at Clemson). So right there out of the gate I feel underqualified that the program director only thought I could compete at the master's level when I had applied for the Ph.D. Secondly, my friend who started this same program said the "mortality" rate is very high--out of 9 starting only 2 remain. I feel stupid. Yes, stupid. I am not a stupid person, but as I look around the room I know all these people had a better resume and got into the Ph.D. They are probably whizzes at math and I have to work at it. And only one dreadful thought can come to mind: I cannot see any way that I am not one of the fatalities of the program. Oh the odds! It's a horrible thing to feel so stupid for 2 hours every night. This program is going to be A LOT of work. I am very accustomed to things coming to me fairly easily. I don't know if it's the work that I'm afraid of or what. I am willing to apply myself and work very hard, but my mind keeps coming back around to two question: 1) Even with all that work, do I stand a chance, and 2) Do I want this badly enough to merit the work? It is question number 2 that has really been haunting me. This has been my goal for 3 years. It's everything I've worked toward. But when I realized the "cost" my goal bears, I have begun to question whether I truly desire this! In the time and effort that a Ph.D. in Economics would cost me, I could have gone to medical school, or law school, or done something else. And worst yet, academia is a very political field that doesn't even pay all that well!
Like I say, I am not sure whether these are just fears of failure, and maybe they are trying to weed some of us out. Maybe I have grown accustomed to a lazy summer off? Or maybe it is a very bad omen to be starting this big commitment with these feelings.
