brownblonde
So Far Away...a 14 week post-op update
Sep 01, 2010
This week: -2lbs.Total lost: 50lbs.
I'm excited to make it to 50lbs. this week. I am not excited to see another 2 there. Yes, 2lbs. would be great in any other universe, but to be so overweight, have such a small stomach, and eat so little, it seems unfair that at this point I'd be "only" losing 2lbs. routinely already.
I have had a little bit of a struggle this week. Luckily these mind games don't affect my weight loss as much as they used to. To most people, 50lbs. is a HUGE difference. And in some ways I agree--these 50lbs. have done a lot of things for me: I can fit into any seat easily now (it was getting tight there for awhile), I'm now far away from 300--something that was getting too close for comfort at 277. I feel better about myself, and my face and arms and backfat have thinned out somewhat. Unfortunately, though, I am keenly aware of the things that haven't changed yet. I'm still a fat person. I'm a VERY fat person and most people can't even recognize the difference because I think they stop caring once you're "very" fat. Men are especially this way. Yes I can dress up and look better, and I can be a size smaller or whatever, but my most notable physical characteristic is still my weight. Also, I can't really shop in normal stores. I'll find a token 18 or 16 somewhere that will fit, but for the most part I'm a 16W. Things still don't fit well, and in some respects they hang worse than they did when I was heavier! Not that I would take back those 50lbs., though!
I'd have to say the biggest changes have been the ones only I could notice. I feel, mostly, very confident about myself. I talk to people and flirt. I just wish it cut both ways! I am making more friends and have a lot more social events, but at the same time I seem to only be able to make friends. Don't get me wrong, that's great. I have heard people on here comment that they felt like "spies" once they lost weight. I guess I feel like that from the other end. I feel like I will now be a thin person, but I'm seeing how people treat me while I'm heavy...and when I reveal my thin self eventually, I'll know their true nature. For literature fans, it reminded me of when Mr. Rochester (in Jane Eyre) dressed up as the fortune-teller beggar and asked Jane Eyre what she thought of Mr. Rochester. I don't know why, but that was the image that stuck with me!
The reason I had surgery was to have a better quality of life all-around. To feel better about myself, better physically, and be more accepted by my peers. That is happening, but it also is somewhat counter-productive to my weight loss goals! I have so many things to do, and I want to do them because they are what I most looked forward to before surgery, and I want to partake in the festivities--whether they be alcohol or food. I know I must learn how to balance these things. I am going to Chicago this weekend, and then I have two close friends' birthdays and my own next week! These excuses have always derailed me in the past, but I just don't know how to balance them. I think after my birthday I will get back to 1-2 protein shakes a day. I also have already contacted some Zumba instructors. I really look forward to that. I LOVE to dance. It was fun before surgery, but my heart rate spiked too fast.
