brownblonde
15 weeks post-op
Sep 08, 2010
Loss for this week: -5.5 Hell ya!!Total lost: 55.5
You all know I tend to incorporate the mundane bits of my life into this blog, but I promise to devote the last paragraph to body issues and wls so look on down for that.
FINALLY a big loss!! Woohoo. After three weeks of 1-2lb. losses, I needed this. And let me tell ya, I could feel it :) The big event this week was my trip to Chicago. It was a very quick, last minute kind of trip to visit my friend who is in the Navy up there. We did a lot of fun things, that seemed to involve walking across the entire city. I was exhausted as it was and couldn't help thinking to myself how unfun this would've been just a couple months ago. I lived in terror that I would be expected to overexert myself, but at the same time I was terrified of letting people know just how unhealthy I was. Also, I had no problem with airplane seats! Hallelujah! I never did have to use a seatbelt extender or anything in the past, but it was getting MIGHTY close to that. On my ride there, I had several inches to play with and could even cross my legs in my seat! The plane back was smaller and tighter, but still the seatbelt fit me fine.
I think I've mentioned that my eating goes in cycles. While I was in Chicago I found it very difficult to eat. My first meal there was Chipotle (kind of a bummer because we have one here) and I took about three bites and my stomach was unhappy. For dinner we ate at a chain place called Rainforest Cafe--I didn't want to order the pricey salmon when I knew I could eat so little so I ordered a chicken salad sandwich--which I only took about 3 bites of the insides. We had Pho the next day which, amazingly, I can handle better. And for dinner we had tacos which was the best idea. The worst idea was the Chicago pizza--I have a real aversion to any gooey melty cheese right now. And then there was alcohol the whole way through. I'm sorry to say that I have found out I tolerate it quite well. I don't do it that often but we were out in Chicago, ya know?! Before surgery I used to feel like a fool only ordering soup, or an appetizer, or eating half or less of an entree. "They'll think 'what, is that fat person on a diet, haha'" is what I used to think. You know what's amazing? No one ever really comments on my food. I think I've had a couple waiters ask me if there was something wrong, but I guess people really don't care.
Unfortunately, though, my friend didn't notice my weightloss, either. We are really close friends, she left in January for bootcamp, I saw her 4th of July weekend (5 weeks out). I thought the change would be quite dramatic. Actually, only 2 people who didn't know about the surgery have commented. So this caused me to create a theory to explain this behavior: There are people who know you only casually who would feel embarrassed/awkward commenting about you weight and/or they have not seen you enough to even know. Then there are people you know a little more--maybe a colleague. They are comfortable with you and see you somewhat frequently. Then there are family members or close friends. The people closest to you, I have decided, don't even register the way you look normally. You are on a level beyond that with them. So unless your close friends know, they may not even be looking at you, really. The middle section is where I've had the compliments from. My next door neighbor asked me last week if I'd lost weight--said I'd looked smaller at her daughter's wedding, and even smaller in the month since then!!! Then, just today, the maid asked if I had lost weight! She said the difference was dramatic--ooh I love her!
OH YEAH I now have 3 size 16's--one dress from Target, another from Ross, and a pair of gap jean's. I got home from Chicago at about 5 on Sunday and immediately after that went to my friend's cookout for his birthday. There was this guy hitting on me and it made me very uncomfortable...
As promised, a body issue segment (in this very long post)....
I don't really know if I got attention from men before and avoided it or what. Part of it is that there is a part of me still uncomfortable with thinking of myself that way. Economist, sure. College football enthusiast, you bet. Cook, perfecto! Music, genius. Smart, bright as a bulb. I will even accept compliments towards my hair and my lips, but anything beyond that makes me feel grimy. I don't know why. It just makes my skin crawl. On the one hand I can't understand why a man would be attracted to my physical characteristics--in fact, I usually think "what's wrong with him?" At the same time, I guess I just don't put that much stock into appearances. Looks fade and also they really aren't that much fun. It's nice to look good and feel good and so sometimes I think looks will have some bearing on a person's self esteem but that's about as far as I think looks take us. I have mostly stayed away from men, or been pushed away, you decide. Either way, I don't know how to handle this attention. It made me so frustrated, I was almost in tears. All this time I haven't been receiving attention from men because of my physique and yet I'm this great girl underneath. Now that men notice, they only notice my looks and it makes me MAD AS HELL. It's the same old song, different verse. As for the body issue thing, it reminds me of pre-surgery stuff. I practically felt abused for having to go braless (with a shirt over, of course) for the xray thing. And the night before surgery, I wasn't having fears about dying necessarily. No, it was the first time it had occurred to me that I would be naked in surgery. Sure they "drape" you but who does the draping?! And being out?!! That is like seriously stressful for me to think about even right now. I wanted to die just thinking about people seeing my body--and NO it doesn't help to tell me they've seen it before, gah. Or that I would be out (that actually makes matters worse). I was actually hugging my legs into my chest the night before surgery, it made my skin crawl so.
I know I have issues with all this and I still do. I don't know if I'm the only one. This might seem like a lot to openly divulge but I want others to know they aren't alone. At least I hope I'm not the only one! I don't know how to get over it--I guess just be more open to people, and continue to stress the characteristics in myself that I find attractive.
