EmergentGrace
Inching Forward
Jun 09, 2011
I called and made my appointment for metabolic testing for next Tuesday right after my psychiatric evaluation. Unfortunately for me, it means I have to fast until after lunch time. Fasting is hard for me anyway, but to have to do my psych eval hungry is a little unnerving. I guess I will make sure to inform the doctor that it is necessary because of the distance I have to travel. I am not sure what to expect as far as the evaluation. I believe my motives are pretty pure. I am afraid of being even bigger and having more serious health complications as I get older. I am having a hard time moving, and my self-esteem is in the toilet. I am unemployed right now, and discrimination is out there whether we want to admit it or not. I fear putting the weight back on if I am able to lose it. I hope it will greatly improve my relationship with my husband as I am not attractive to him or myself at this weight. I hope I will be able to have a day where I am not constantly reminded of my bulk as I try to move about my day, from going to the bathroom to tying my shoes, grocery shopping and sleep apnea.Speaking of sleep apnea, my machine is getting a little more comfortable to use. My nose holes don't feel as if they have been violated so much now. My husband says that my horrible snoring has completely dissapeared. I don't know that I feel more rested because I put off going to bed until I am completely exhausted because it is hard to fall asleep like that, but just the knowledge that I am not suffocating on my own fat gives me some relief, and knowing that my husband isn't sleep deprived of me it pretty huge too.
Tomorrow is our church potluck, and hinestly I hink I am going to struggle with food choices. I want to lose the weight, but I really miss sweets and savory foods. I can feel my head hunger loud and clear right now. I don't have any great strategies to eliminate head hunger, and honestly my real hunger is bothersome enough, that is one reason I find surgery necessary.
