EmergentGrace
7 months post surgery, what I have learned
Mar 29, 2012
Here I am 7 months past, short of having a family, the biggest life changing decision I have ever made.First, the numbers. Today I weighed in at 188 pounds, that is 7 pounds lost for the month, which is a steady average of 1 - 2 pounds per week at this point. I have lost a total of 86 pounds.
I have spent some time watching/reading other people's blogs, especially at similar mile stones to figure out where I am in comparison. Am I normal? Am I doing this right? This is what I have gathered so far since surgery.
1. I never should have eaten that crap in the first place, maybe once in a great while, but occasions were too frequent, sometimes every day. I still don't eat bread or sweets, even though it seems that I can if I want. I treat myself to an occasional cracker and croutons. I don't eat fried food. I decorate cakes on occasion and I no longer lick my fingers, and I don't drink soda. If I had restrained myself on a daily basis, crash diets and then regain wouldn't have been necessary. I try to concentrate on high quality and protein rich foods, and if something tastes like crap, I don't eat it at all.
2. I focused way to much on the short term and let it defeat me. This is the beauty of weight loss surgery, at first when the scale doesn't drop it is devastating and frustrating, but sooner or later it budges again. Over time you have to do more if you want it to move much. Eventually the focus will be on getting it not to vary much at all. I have had my stalls, and looked back over my before pictures to buoy me up, and as it turns out, I look pretty good, even not losing another pound. I spent nearly every day in apology for being fat and not being able to get it under control, and I never have to any more. I can bend and move and breathe, and my weight isn't the most noticeable thing about me any more. I have learned that I have to focus on that sometimes and what it takes to stay healthy rather than the movement on the scale.
3. My family and friends don't really care about my weight, they do care about what I can do with them and whether or not I am healthy. Even over time my husband has finally stopped with his weird remarks about how I only had surgery to get sexy for another man. Some people are threatened by my weight loss, and I suspect not everyone is happy for me, but most are because I was headed for a major stroke or heart attack. My kids don't care at all, they just want to know if I can fit on the carnival rides with them this year. In reality I was the only one who really cared about my weight, and in the end it was up to me alone to deal with it.
4. My life will always be crazy. There is never going to be a time that is convenient for healthy food or exercise. Never. God gave me a brain so I could work things like that out.
5. Even with surgery and all these experts, in the end this is still up to me. I don't know what I was expecting, but my doctors don't call and check on me once a week to see how I am doing, if I am eating right, drinking water, exercising, or taking my meds and vitamins. I have to make and keep what few and far between doctor appointments I have. They gave me some basic information to get me past the first couple of months, but after that I am mostly on my own. I have read books, followed blogs, and taped and measured myself. Surgery and doctors, they are only tools, effective if used properly, but I could eat pretty much whatever I want now, smaller quantities, but I could eat junk. I could not exercise, but I want to keep my weight loss moving, and I'm starting to look saggy and jiggly, so some muscle tone will look nice. No one is going to come to my house and make me work out (unless I pay them big bucks to) so I have to do it. Same with the pills which I struggle to take and my protein. Also, I have found I am the one who has to keep my mental health in check. It means I have to be somewhat self absorbed and serving in these areas, but that is OK. I am pretty sure I can get down to a reasonable weight, and I know what to do, and now it feels possible.
6. I am worth it. What planet was I on that I thought surgery was going to take away from my family and the whole world was going to stop because I would be incapacitated for a few weeks, or be unable to eat big family meals? I was worried about the financial impact, and if I was being selfish. What the hell kind of life was I really living? I loathed myself every day for not being ale to control my weight, my quality of life sucked...every day. I was depressed and miserable. I couldn't physically do things that I enjoyed. Yes, it was temporarily inconvenient, but I would do it again if I had to pay 100% out of pocket. Life is too short to spend miserable and loathing yourself, waking up every morning feeling like someone beat you with a baseball bat all night long because you can't breathe and the extra weight just hurts your bones. I would have supported and encouraged a loved one 100% to get their life healthy, hank goodness I finally got behind myself.
I don't think that I could have lost the weight without surgery, not long term, because I needed the help to push through the stalls and disappointments. I needed the threat of this all being wasted over my head to continue to stay the course. I needed results to feel like it was worth it. I have friends who I think would be excellent candidates for surgery. I can see how it would improve their lives so much, and how I wish I could give them this gift. It's not a gift I can give away. I can let them see the changes in me and how much happier and healthier I am. I want to cry with them and tell them I know their secret shame and it doesn't have to be this way.
