Month 5 and 71 pounds gone forever!

Feb 02, 2012

71 pounds, it doesn't even sound real.  I used to cry thinking about how I needed to lose over 100 pounds and how hard, nay impossible it seemed.  This is officially the most weight I ever lost at one time, my former record being 70 pounds when I went from 198 to 128 about 15 years ago.  Obviously it didn't take forever, although I did level out around 140-150 and teniously held that for about 5 years.  I am actually starting to believe I may see 128 pounds again, although I'm ok if I don't.  That would mean I would have to lose a total of 146 pounds.  That's a lot.  I'm really happy with the idea that I will continue to lose some more weight and that it isn't coming back.

I scare myself.  I ate an M & M oatmeal cookie a week ago.  There wasn't anything else in the house.  I tolerated it fine.  I ate my favorite chicken enchilada casserole last night.  Today I went to Carl's Jr for lunch, not because I was hungry, but because I wanted fast food.  To my credit I got a low-carb grilled chicken sandwich, and only ate two-thirds of it.  I want to eat for the wrong reasons too often.  I am realizing I pretty much can eat anything I decide to try, which terrifies me, I just can't eat much of it, and although I usually make good choices I am afraid of the idea that I can choose to make bad ones.  I'm PMSing and I have a cold I'm having some job stress, and some family stress.  Food was my standby for bringing it down.  Now I am here writing it away.  Maybe noone will ever read this, but I feel better for it.  I am trying to imgine a body that I can be proud of again, sure with sagging, wrinkled skin, but well put together.  My rear is starting to look nice again, and I show the beginings of a noticeable waist.  I am actually starting to consider getting rid of all of my size 20 clothes.  I realize i am standing at a cross-roads now where I get to make choices rather than be strictly confined by what I can or can't have.  I knew this day would come.  Surprisingly with my tummy not hungry all the time, the good choices are easier and the bad choices apparent for what they are.  Mental.

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