21 hours till surgery

Aug 28, 2011

I can't believe I'm here, the day before.  I have been on a liquid diet for two days now, which without surgery I think is torture.  We had a girl scout bake sale yesterday, which was double torture, and by 3 PM I had an emotional breakdown because I was so hungry.  My poor husband has no idea what to do with this, and told me he doesn't understand because I chose this.  I tried to explain that if I could, I would choose to be a normal weight and eat "normally" but I can't.  Broth and protien shakes take the edge off but don't make me feel like I have eaten anything, and hunger pangs come within an hour.  I hope this will make me super appreciative post-surgery of the lack of hunger pangs.  I am convinced this is one reason I have not been terribly successful in weight loss to date.  Stupid hunger.  On the plus side I am down 5 pounds already :), and without the fear of gaining it back plus 5 more for good measure once I start eating "real food" again.  I wish I could have done better beforehand losing some weight, but I just couldn't with the knowledge my food crutch was being taken away.

I am a little scared, but maybe not as much as before.  Thoughts like, "What should I do if this is my last day on earth?" come to me, but I know in my heart if it were that dangerous insurance would never approve it.  Even if it were, I am pretty secure in what I have done with my life, I have told my husband my wishes in case of disaster, and I have no regrets.  I am doing this because my weight would have eventually taken my life from me before I was ready, either through stroke or heart attack, or through the gradual withdrawl I would have been forced to make as I got more exhausted carrying it around, embarassed to see people who used to know me when I was thinner, just not fitting into a world made for thinner people, and possibly from the horrible depression that has plagued my life.  I'm done, I want to move on.  I am willing to take that chance. 

So one more day of liquid diet, and lying low because I have no energy, and then at 3 am we start the drive to the hospital to see this through.  I am amazed at my husband's willingness to be there for me.  I told him I would take myself so he didn't have to get up, and he has told me a few times he disagrees with this choice and thinks I can just exercise it off.  Over the past month I have seen how much we bond over food.  I know he loves me fat, and I know this is going to change things somehow between us.  I hope in the end it will be for the better.  We have been through much bigger than this in our 11 years together.  I think we will muddle our way through.  I think part of him is afraid I will find someone better once the world finds me more attractive.  Silly. 

I am not sure when I will be up to posting more, but as soon as I am able I will with every detail :)

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