4 Months In...

Jan 04, 2012

Wow!  Today I weighed in at 210 (from 275) and that makes 65 pounds down.  I realized that possibly next month I may well cross the threshold of the impenetrable 200 pound mark.  I still have a terrible time with feeling like I am not losing, as some weeks I lose nothing and the next I may go down 4 pounds, but to my amazement it is still falling off. 

I got through the Christmas season without one cookie or piece of fudge, both specialties of mine.  I made it, just didn't eat it.  I did have a piece of pumpkin pie, minus the crust, and realize I am probably not going to dump if I eat sugar, but have no desire to test it beyond very strict limits as if I will. 

My hair has fallen out by hand fulls the last few weeks, maybe 5 a day, I am constantly cleaning hair off of my sweaters.  I chopped some blunt bangs to hide the hairline and a couple of days ago went from dirty blond to a natural looking red.  I'm getting tons of compliments on how good I look, which is nice, and am working on just saying "thank you" instead of, "I don't really think I look any different".

I am pretty sure it is about time to move into size 16 clothes.  Most of my weight is in my tummy, so now I look 6 months pregnant instead of ready to deliver.  The problem with pants is that the butt and thigh area are incredibly baggy but the tummy is comfortable.  I don't want to spend a ton of money on pants because it is my sincere hope in a couple of months I will need to replace them again.  I stood at the rack at walmart to buy a cheap shirt for about 10 minutes completely clueless as to what size to buy.  My strategy on tops has always been to get the largest possible size in hopes that it might not shrink or at least be large enough to cover my stomach.  After some debate I settled on a size 16/18 and it fit very nicely, in fact it shows I have some kind of figure!  Granted, I am still lumpy, but I am starting to have some shape besides round. 

Part of me is like, well, if I have to live at this weight, it really isn't too bad.  i never set out to be a beauty queen, just be able to move, breathe, and fit in clothes that didn't lift to show skin every time I moved.  Sometimes I imagine what I would look like without the belly, after a surgery I don't know if I will ever have.  I have no idea what I really look like to the outside world, I imagine still quite fat, but not so much grotesquely so, a little more "normal" fat.  Laying in bed sometimes I run my hands over my ribs down my hips and am amazed at the fact I can feel bone, but then like clockwork, hold my belly that hangs out to remind myself I suppose that I am still much the same.  My therapist says it takes time, about 3 to 6 months for your brain to catch up to your physical appearance.  That makes sense since when I was at my biggest I would be so shocked to see pictures of myself.  Maybe now I look like what I thought I did when I was big, and in 3 or 4 months I will feel differently.  I do feel better, more healthy, less like I am forcing myself to participate in life despite exhaustion and depression.  I don't hate my body either, but rather feel like I am performing some sort of science experiment where the result is somewhat unknown.  What if I do get down to a "small" weight?  What if, and what would it mean?  Most of me just believes of course I will still be fat, just not so fat, and maybe I won't gain it all back this time plus some "souvenir" pounds from the attempt. 

The scars are fading, just little pink scratches really, and for the most part I am enjoying eating food again, with a few limits that are mostly self-imposed.  I have a couple of habits that I would consider "bad" like a daily love for orange juice, but it is my one sweet thing I allow myself, which also helps with keeping things moving (if you know what I am getting at), I just need to reign it in a bit.  I feel hunger but nothing like I used to, a mild distraction at best, mostly feeling a bit weak and short of concentration.  I get full on pretty small portions, often putting away or giving away half of my food.  I have only thrown up once in the last few weeks on a piece of reheated chicken which I probably ate too fast.  I can eat though!  I have beef jerky, string cheese, a salad, some nuts sometimes, most of a healthy choice dinner, and a little bit of altered dinner when I get home, like yesterday I ate the toppings off of a piece of pizza.  I am doing much better on my protein shakes, although not every single day, 3 out of 4 now.  I eat what I think is too much, but I still lose, so it is probably just right.  No bread, no pasta, no rice, no sugar.  I did try a bit of fizzy apple/grape faux wine, and I mean a sip and my stomach was pissed at me for it, so my desire for my diet coke addiction went immediately away.  I sometimes miss stuff, but not much and not often.

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