EmergentGrace
Celebrating Onederland
Feb 07, 2012
It has only been a week but I want to update that I dropped another magic 5 pounds which put me at 197, under 200 for the first time in about 6 years. 202, 204, always sticking points right before a rebound. Now, I'm not worried about a rebound. I'm not sure how much more I will lose, and what my next goal ought to be, quite honestly it always seemed really far off and I expected to stall out for a while. The tool carried me over the threshold into a healthier place. To celebrate I am going to throw out all my size 20 clothes, and I ought to do he same with the 18s.I am happy, but in a calm way, not excited like I'd thought I'd be. A couple of years ago after dropping 50 pounds, I was at 202 and went out and bought party hats and noisemakers to celebrate with my friends. I never hit it. Now, it's different, knowing that I won't gain the weight back, and my body is becoming small enough to maybe shop in regular sizes in a few months, that people will see me and not use my weight as the first point of reference, and perhaps when I go hiking this year, I won't sprain my ankle again.
I love my tool, I love that I had this surgery. Sometimes I want to eat bad things, the other day I ate 5 M & Ms, and then I started my period the next day. 5 was enough to end the ridiculous chocolate craving I was having. Dangerous ground, but I think that I have a sense of control that did not exist prior, a sense of whether or not I really need something, and the ability to stop and leave a half-eaten plate when I have had enough. I am sorry it took surgery to make my appetite "normal", but it did, and now I am healthier for it.
So from here, where do I go? Much like Alice in her own Wonderland, I am down the rabbit hole exloring this new pace that seems vaguely familiar, and yet, incredibly strange. Unlike Aice, I have no intention of returning to the place I came from.