Jenci S.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Mindless eating.  It is one of the roots of my obesity.  Just one.  :)  But it is a big one.  I am constantly looking for something to stuff in my mouth.  So keeping healthier choices around me was essential to keeping the weight off, and now to help me get the weight back down. 

I have to keep reminding myself I have a tool inside me, a gift.  One I can use for good or for bad.  I can cheat it, I can pretend it isn't there telling me to stop eating, or I can let it take charge again, and listen.  That is where I am today, listening.  Letting my stomach be the guide, not my head.  Because heaven knows where my head will take me.  It will stuff whatever it can in my mouth. 

Right now my eating is simply out of control.  I eat what I want when I want to eat it.  Someone on here once wrote, "I am not on a low fat diet, I am on a low intake diet."  I loved that.  I still believe that can be true for some people.  And maybe for me someday.  But I took it too far.  I believed I could truly eat whatever I wanted.  She wasn't saying she could eat one See's candy a day, she was saying, she could enjoy one See's candy a month maybe.  She was saying she could have real cheese, but not half the block, use real sour cream, but not smother her chicken in it.  And first and foremost she was eating her protein.  I think that is my hardest lesson.  I don't gravitate to protein.  I like most overweight folks gravitate toward carbs and candy.  In fact, I am not a one kind of fat offender.  Some people can choose between sweet snacks or satly, yeah I choose both.  I can't pick.  I am the girl with the bucket of popcorn and the box of M&M's at the movies.  I still live that way.

I am not sure where this post is headed other than to say I know losing this weight won't be like my initial weight loss after surgery.  Just because I have come to expect the weight to fall off doesn't mean it is going to happen without a lot of cooperation from me.  I am prepared to cooperate.  I guess that is where this is going.

Anyway, Happy Monday Everyone.  Ta ta for now.

You are all amazing.  Every last one of you.  Whether you commented on my last blog or not, your love, support, and advice was felt, absorbed, and 100% appreciated!  Thank you.

Some of you asked about counseling.  Yes, I go weekly.  I was in the intensive outpatient treatment for roughly 7 weeks, and have been back at work for 3 weeks now, but have a weekly appointment with a wonderful counselor.  So far we haven't really delved into the abuse because I have been dealing more with what is bothering me on my appointment day. So that is a goal I have, to begin working on the abose more, and to continue to read The Courage To Heal.  The abose is hard because it is not only a revelation for me, but has also been one for my parents, and they're having a rough time, especially my mom.  She has been asking a lot of questions, and I am trying to my hardest to not get defensive or shut down.  So far so good!

I was also asked about God.  And giving it up to God.  Here is my favorite song of the moment:
East To West
By Casting Crowns
Songwriters: Hall, Mark; Herms, Bernie;

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest

I don't want to end up
Where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far as
The east is from the west
And I stand before You now
As though I've never sinned

But today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
The east is from the west?
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in

Today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
The east is from the west?
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night

I can't live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
And I'm not holding onto You
But You're holding onto me, You're holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far
The east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

Just how far
The east is from the west
Just how far
From one scarred hand to the other

You know just how far
The east is from the west
Just how far
From one scarred hand to the other

I am a firm believer in Jesus, God, etc.  I know He is there to take the weight of my sins, worries, concerns on His shoulders, I just have a hard time letting go.

Have I heard of OA, yes.  I have attended a small group, and know I need to find a larger, more populated group, one that is less cliqueish.  That is something my counselor and I talked about on Friday, and she has made it perfectly clear that I need to make finding a new OA group a priority. 

Ok.  I think those were the main questions.  :)  I am alive.  I am healthier than I have ever been.   And I know and want help.  All in all, I am in an ok place today.  Happy Monday all.

Yes folks, I am still alive and kicking.  Kicking all my skinny clothes out the door that is.  I have gained 20 pounds.  YES!  20 frickin pounds.

On Tuesday, April 24th I checked myself into an intensive outpatient therapy treatment center for severe dehabilitating depression and anxiety.  At first it was 5 days a week for 6 hours a day.  Hour 1: Check-in, share how your evening went, etc.  Hour 2: Education.  Hour 3 & 4: Therapy.  Lunch.  Hour 5: Education.  Hour 6: Check-out and sharing of safety plan for the evening / weekend.  All of it was done in groups.  There was B Group where folks went if they didn't have the ability to comprehend / apply the lessons / ideas learned.  The C Groups which were the cognitive therapy groups, which I was part of.  People going through similar problems / struggles, who were able to comprehend / absorb and then impliment the lessons learned in their every day lives.  And the D Group which was for people sturggling with depression in addition to an addiction to drugs or alcohol.  I learned that I am not alone in the world, nor are my symptoms unique.  I also learned that everyones reaction, absorption to medications is different, and now find myself on not one, or two, but three brain medications.  I also have found myself on an ongoing binge.  An eating binge.  Hence the 20 pounds.  But back to the depression and anxiety.  The anxiety has subsided, I still have bouts, but am better able to see when I start working myself up and am able to calm myself faster.  The depression, well, it is still there.  It is bad.  I am trying my best to hide it, ignore it, press it away, but if I am completely honest with myself, it is still there, raging just under the surface.  Additionally, while in therapy I remembered being abused as a child.  I am not going to go into the details, just know it was sexual abuse by a family member I have continued to have as part of my life.  It is a memory I repressed, hid from, and pushed away.  Now it is there.  I have told my husband, best friend, and my parents.  I am reading an excellent book called "The Courage to Heal", and like my depression, I have found it comforting to know that I am not alone in my suffering from abuse.  The symptoms of my abuse are not unique, they are shared by millions who have suffered the same tragedy.  I believe this is why I am binging.  I am going through the abuse defense motions again, one of which is eating, making myself unattractive and therefore unwanted and therefore someone no one would waste their time abusing.

Currently, my depression is being fed by my abuse memories, and my eating.  My eating.  My eating.  My eating.  It is mindless.  It is pointless.  It is severely lacking protein.  It is severly lacking nutrition.  It is severely lacking.  I am struggling.  This is the only place where I can truly voice how much of a failure I have become when it comes to weight loss.  I am failing, and I am watching it happen and can't stop it.  I know, you're saying, "But, you're the only person who CAN stop it."  But in all honesty, I can't stop it.  I am rolling down the fat hill and there is no end, no bottom, no stopping.  I am failing.

Me yesterday:

It isn't depression.  I don't know what it is.  I have been on a journey to correct and find the right meds for my brain, and I am thinking I am on the wrong path.  My doc increased one med on Friday, and decreased another, I am not doing well.  That is putting it mildly.  I am really not doing well.

Monday I had a breakdown.  I screamed, screamed, screamed at my kids.  Especially the 3 year old.  He doesn't listen, saying he is stubborn is being nice.  I lost it.  And this isn't the first time.  I have no patience, for anyone, for anything.  I spent Monday in bed sleeping and crying, it was awful.  Yesterday morning I tried getting dressed and didn't even have the patience to squeeze / wiggle my ass into a pair of pants that should have fit.  I gave up, and put on a pair of wide leg khakis and went on with my day.

My brain is out of whack.  It has been out of whack since I was 14 years old.  I go back in to see the psychiatrist today, and then the counselor after that.  It is going to be a long, exhausting day.  One I am not looking forward to.  But I needed to check in here, let everyone know I am still kicking.

I know I will overcome this set back, but at the moment I have a long journey out of this neverending pit. 

Ok, I have been waiting for this day...400 friends on OH!

I can't believe it.  I have 400 people on here to share my journey with, THANK YOU!

That was it.    Doing the happy dance, and the  "They love me, they really love me" chant!

Happy Wednesday.

Everyone is different.  I have posted about this before.  But today I can't help but touch on it again.  I am always amazed at the myriad of jobs out there.  And how there is someone out there to fill each and every one.  When I first stated on OH I sought out the "success" stories because I just knew I would be that person.  The one wearing a size 4 and loving every second of it.  I just knew that my stretch marks would disapear, and the excess skin holding all my fat in would shrink back on it's own.  I was certain I would start working out and want to work out without any extra effort on my part.  I knew I would be bikini worthy within two years, well that or a Victoria's Secret supermodel.    All of that of course meant that my legs and calves, two things I have never been in love with, would miraculously sculpt themselves, and those veins would melt away.  Yep.  That was going to be the new me.

Two years later I stand a much thinner, healthier, and generally happier woman.  I am not however a true success story, I don't eat completely right, I don't excercise, and I am not a size 4.  I still have stretch marks, in fact they're more pronounced than before because it is almost like they created a seam of sorts in which the stretch skin retreated and puckered in between the non stretch marked skin.  I don't have sculpted Giselle worthy legs, in fact I have jiggly elephant legs.  It is awesome.  I have those awful wavy upper arms which are like giant slabs of fatty stretch mark beef.  Once again, awesome!  I have to wear what I like to call a "suck-it-in-slip".  It is one of those torso shapers that lets you wear your own bra, I can't live without it.  But let me tell you, my shoulders pay the price, they're achy from wearing not only an over the shoulder boulder holder, but a shaper on top of that.  Needless to say, between my multi strap bra situation, and my beef slab arms I don't wear tank tops unless I have a cardigan on top.  Oh, and last but not least, I will never be strutting my stuff along side Heidi Klume and Giselle on the annual Victoria's Secret Angel Show.  Yeah, not happening.

All that being said, did you notice I put in there that I am a generally happier woman than before?  Yep.  I can buy clothes in any store I walk in to (well except Lane Bryant and Catherine's, but that isn't a bad thing).  I am more willing to "jazz" up an outfit and draw attention to myself (at least this happens in my minds eye) by adding a bright scarf or funky jewelry.  Don't get me wrong, I see a counselor every week to keep me from going completely crazy.  And as I have mentioned before I take prescription antidepressants and am now on an additional medication for another mental condition I was diagnosed with a couple of months ago (I also see a psychiatrist once a month for that).  So yeah, things aren't all cherib cheeked babies burping rainbows, but they're significantly better.  I don't have to think about whether or not I can make it when a co-workers invites me to lunch and the chosen restaurant is 8 blocks away.  Or when I decide to take my boys to the play ground or to an amusement park, I just go, I don't stress about how much walking it will entail.  Or when I go to the store and the only parking is in the back of the lot, it is no big deal, I park and I walk in!  There are so many things to be disapointed with, but there are so many more things to be excited about.  It is a give and take, and a minute by minute choice.

Also, I realized I hadn't shown you guys this AWESOME pic of me and Lady Antebellum at a meet & greet event on March 29th.  I only had one meet and greet pass but I did it, I went into the unknown by myself and survived.  Before now I would have let my weight keep me from having an awesome time.  I would have been too self conscious, and would have let my obesity keep me from experiencing a once in a life time accoustical performance by an amazing trio of muscians.  Without further ado, here is the pic.  I love it!

Today's post is a huge shout out to OH, and all of you.

THANK YOU!  I always know I have a resource available to me if I am willing to explore, reach out, and absorb.  Obesityhelp.com has been a lifesaver.  A source of inspiration, advice, knowledge, and a safe haven when I just needed a place to vent.  I love it here!

I have always loved writing.  I am way better at writing down what I want to say than actually speaking the words out loud.  OH has given me a voice in a world of people who have had similar experiences, or who will have similar experiences, and I am so thankful for this voice.  When I've had a bad day and can't stop beating myself up I come here, let it all out, beat myself up one last time, and voila, my anger and frustration with myself are released and I feel 10 times better.  And then throuhout the following 48 hours I get little notes and well wishes from folks on here, and I am able to futher let go of my self-hatred.  It is an amazing process.

So thank you OH.  And thank you, each and every one of you, who read, absorb, and sometimes reply to my blog.  I love you all!

Apparently I have reached my maximum photo upload limit.  SOOOO, I added some public albums to my Google+ account, you can check them out here http://tinyurl.com/7uvl3ka.

Here are a few of the pics posted there:
 

I live in sunny California, problem is, it hasn't been too sunny lately!  We've had sun for a hot second, and then downpours!  My getting out and about has been limited.  But today I just did it.  It was a bit brisk, but once in the sunshine it was warm, and I walked.  I walked, and walked, and walked around Capitol Park, 45 minutes of walking.  It felt wonderful.  It freed my mind, and I was able to just walk. 

That was my accomplishment for today.  I walked.  What is yours??

Well.  After my trash compactor post I went further downhill.  Despite the amazing support and encouragement from all of you I couldn't shake what I was feeling.

My husbands job is still up in the air, and despite going to a counselor and psychiatrist for a while now I am thinking my current meds aren't working well.  I started a new one two weeks ago which is suppose to help with my outbursts of anger, but today was a rough one and I was a fire breathing mommy rather than a calm cool collected one.  Not the way I want to be.

For all of you who have asked, I have been seeing a counselor for over a year now.  I started seeing her because I didn't want to go back to the old Jenci, the one who stuffed her face constantly, and who hated herself inside and out.  She has been great.  I have admitted and opened myself up to things I never knew were inside.  I have been able to accept the changes happening to my body because of the weight loss and to allow myself to "adorn" my body accordingly.  (I used to steer clear of scarves, awesome jewelry, and clothes because I didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I was fat).  As if being fat wasn't enough of an attention getter.  Yep.  Crazy.

I often marvel at how blind I was to my obesity.  I feel good now.  My weight isn't "ideal", but it is comfortable.  I used to hate seeing pictures of myself, and would always try to cut out the majority of my body.  Looking at myself in these two pictures is enough of a shock that I can't deny that I am doing well. 
  
Additionally, I went to the church I used to regularly attend (over 5 years ago), and a woman I was close to, a woman I sang in choir with walked right past me, said good morning and kept walking until I said "Joyce, it's Jenci".  She stopped, and almost cried as she embraced me.  She didn't recognize me.  And the grandparents of an ex-boyfriend of mine did the same thing, walked right past until someone else said my name and the grandmother was beside herself congratulating me on my weight loss.  I see myself as a failure at the moment, but everyone around me still views me as a success.  I have to hold on to that feeling, embrace the fact that I am / have been successful and walk-tall and move forward. 

Today was a good day to go to church, if nothing else I heard this, I am the one who controls my life, and I am the one who decides what goes in my body, I am the one who chooses good food or bad food.  And if I keep making the wrong decisions I have no one to blame but myself.  

One of the things I heard talked a lot about at OA was how our addiction is different from every other addiction / disease out there, no one can live without the thing we're addicted to, food.  We have to eat.  We can't simply avoid bars, or familiar places we go to get fixes, we have to go to the grocery store, we have to eat somewhere, sometime.  Food is always around us.  I think where we are similar to an alcoholic is that we have to make choices which steer us away from bars, or in our case, fast food joints, ice cream parlors, and trigger foods.  We have choices.  The trick is to make your brain accept your choice and realize that not eating that cookie won't signal the end of the world.  Food is more than a want, at least it should be, just because I want a cookie doesn't mean I need a cookie or two or three.  

Part of my getting back on track is going to have to come from realizing that I have a choice, food doesn't control me, I control it, and I control what goes in my mouth.  Impulse isn't an excuse.