5 Month Surgiversary

Apr 28, 2011

Well today is my 5 month surgery anniversary.  I should be happy that I made it 5 months post-op right?  Well for some crazy reason I am really down in the dumps today...actually I started being down yesterday when I realized that today was my 5 month point.  And I know I will probably get a lot of slack for saying this, but I feel like a failure, I feel like I am not where I should be at the 5 month point.  I know we are not suppose to compare ourselves, but seriously....if someone was around my start weight why wouldn't we lose about the same way?  And why has my head hunger not gone away?  I still think about food the same way that I did before surgery.  I live in a world full of "normal" people.  People who go out and eat double cheeseburgers and stay a size 2.  While if I was to look at a double cheeseburger Id be in the bathroom tossing my cookies.  I still enjoy the occasional french fry.  The other morning I ate a 1/4 of a bacon and egg sandwich on toast.  It tasted so good.  But should I really be eating stuff like that?  I feel like I have gotten away from the "plan" now that I am far enough out to eat just about anything I want to eat....how do I keep from eating just about anything I want to eat?
I started my journey at 301...this morning I was 223.  That is a total of 78 pounds.  I have been up and down weight all month.  I drink protein shakes, I eat more salads (but the dressing is caloric), I don't eat late night, I try to drink more water but that is a struggle at times.  And I always THINK that I am hungry.  I can't say that I ever physically feel hungry but I always think that I am hungry, or I think that I need to eat something when I probably don't.  Around 10am I always want breakfast, around noon I usually think I need a snack, at 1 I take lunch, around 3:30 I usually think I need another small snack.  And I know that we are suppose to eat 4-6 small meals but how do we keep those meals healthy?  I feel like I have forgotten everything I was taught before surgery or that it doesn't apply now because I am so far out.  What is a healthy breakfast food?  How do I keep my calories down, keep my head hunger under wraps, and still keep...or start back up losing weight?It is something that I have struggled with my entire life and it is no easier now.  I feel like I have failed, the surgery isn't going to work for me.  I will never reach goal weight and never be under 200 pounds.  Maybe I am just having a "emotional" moment.  Maybe tomorrow I will wake up my normal positive happy go lucky self.  I just feel like if I can't do it now at 5 months out.  What is it going to be like a 5 years out when the weight starts stacking back up and I am miserable again.  My girlfriend told me that skinny feels so much better than food tastes.  I want that feeling...I want to know what skinny feels like.  And I want food to stop being such a major deal in my life.

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