...and the blues came

May 23, 2011

 It's beautiful weather outside.  I am doing things that were impossible for me to do last year...like taking care of my own yard work, and planting a vegetable AND a flower garden.  I am walking, taking the kids to the park, and swimming.  I am attempting to get a bike and go biking with the kids.  The scale has been moving S L O W L Y but moving nonetheless and in the right direction.  My health is GREATLY improved.  I physically feel great.  So why am I so sad??  

I'm irritated with it!  lol.  I am focusing on positives, getting out of the house when the blues tell me to go to bed or stay home, and I'm using the tools that i have learned about.  I am not eating to fix the blues.  But I'm frustrated with them!  Can't seem to shake them for long.  I am off all meds from before surgery, including depression meds.  I don't feel that desperate sadness that i did when i went on the meds.  So i hate to go back to meds if i don't truly need them.  And just so I'm being honest, i gained a lot of weight between depression meds and birth control meds!  That thought is in my head too.  

I hate to admit it, but i think the break up is messing with me more than i thought.  Since my divorce, I have been building myself back up.  I remembered that I am a complete person without someone.  I have a job i love, kids i adore, a home, a car, and a cat.  lol.  I am happy and content with my life most days.  But since the break up, the lack of companionship in adult form is glaringly apparent.  Not just for dating, but just in the friends department.  

I don't know how to say this without sounding ....vain or mean...or crazy...but i feel as though my weight loss has put some people off.  Not that they aren't happy for me, but that maybe i have done something wrong.  i know that i do different things now and a lot of what my friends and i did revolved around movies and going out to eat.  I still do those things, but not as often.  Anyway, its left me feeling really isolated again.   

As for the guy issue, ugh!  I am not sorry that i ended it.  I was not okay with things that were going on.  And doing that was MAJOR growth for someone who always felt she better be quiet and put up with what they dished out cuz she was lucky to have someone.  I had such a crap self esteem!  So in making better decisions, i am proud.  But it would be nice to find a guy.  lol.  

It the lonely blues around here!  my goodness!  The good news is that it wont last.  And i don't have to blow what i have done!  Just by talking about it here, i have taken power away from the emotions.  And that...is growth.  I may be half the size i was, but i am twice the woman!  Thanks for helping me grow and letting me vent.  I wish everyday were a top of the world day, but sometimes, i get the blues.  I think that's life and pretty normal.  Have a great day everyone.  I'm off to walk around the lakes with my kids!  

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