March Madness!

Mar 12, 2012

I can't believe how fast this year is flying by!  I used to watch time crawl.  I remember being locked in my house by my own hand and praying for time to pass.  Wishing it all away.  Now I find myself wishing it would slow down just a little so I can savor!  lol.  This is much better. 

Losing the weight has meant being able to work again.  I take a lot of pride in what I do.  I like my job very much.  It gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  I started out here last year at 100 pounds (or more) heavier than I am now.  I was in one cottage and though I still struggled to keep up with physical parts of the job, I could do it!  My job now looks a lot different than the one I started with.  Now, I am alll over the place, running, doing, going.  It makes me appreciate my body so much more.  Someone who locked herself away from the world, jobless, hopeless to someone who is out in the community. 

 I feel like my personality finally gets a chance to fit my body.  I know this will sound strange, but even with depression, I have always been the cheerful, smiling, funny one.  I didn't say and do things, like karaoke or plays or sports, because of my self esteem.  Now I sing karaoke and play and laugh.  Mostly, it's so much fun.  I have noticed a few troubling things.  First of all, guys notice me now.  The other night, I took my two kids to the mall.  (We hit an end of season sale at Penny's.  HOLY COW!  The kids are decked out in shirts and sweaters for next year.  Got there too late for the $2 arizona jeans sale but still!  And mom got 3 shirts before my youngest collapsed on the floor in a heap of male child misery.  lol)  Anyway, we went into the hair cut place looking like refugees after trying to console my son and calm my daughter who was mad at him for ...well...acting like a bit of a brat. (bless his heart)  We had 3 great big bags of clothes we had bought at the sale.  (I mean great big bags..like pillow size bags!  $48  people!)  Anyway, in the past, when I was large, men have OFTEN not given up there seats for me.  Unless they were older gentlemen and then they would get up for any lady.  (generation thing?  not that i expect men to get up for me!  this is just an observation)  I went into the salon and TWO men jumped up to give me their seats.  This time I did gratefully accept.  (high heeled boots are not the best for warrior shopping trips.  Hey, i had just come from work!  just saying)  Apparently, one of the men was "majorly hitting on me."  (stylist had to tell me)  I totally didn't catch it.  Figured he was just talking about stuff because he was bored.  Never occurred to me that he was interested in me.  I am just not familiar with that concept.  Anyway.  The stylist laughed at me and told me to step out of mommy mode once in a while.  I wanted to tell her that it wasn't mommy mode that kept me from seeing that.  But, I don't fully understand it myself so it was going to be impossible to explain to someone who wouldn't understand.  lol  This could be a fun thing I guess.  I am very happy in a relationship and I certainly wasn't looking for attention.  I was literally in my work clothes from that morning and it was 7pm!  It made me wonder what other social cues I was getting or missing.  And that was uncomfortable.  At 36, do I not know how to relate to the opposite sex?  I am everyone's buddy.  That's who I have always been!  I don't understand this new concept.  And I feel socially incompetent.  ugh. 

The other thing that I have noticed is that certain relationships with women in my life are changing.  Some relationships have disappeared completely.  My two besties are still my biggest cheerleaders.  I am so lucky to have them.  I was scared things might change when my weight went below one of them.  She is terrific.  Instead of getting angry, she celebrated with me.  And she recommitted to her own journey to health.  We talk a lot about the difference between being healthy and being a certain size.  I was forgetting the goal of health.  I was complaining about my body stopping but I was still a plus size!  She looked at me and said, "Are you healthy though?  Will your children's children get to know you now?"  That kicked me back into play fast.  lol.  Other relationships aren't so easy.  I will often hear comments about losing weight the "Right way" versus the "Easy way."  Like I did something wrong and should be ashamed of it.  I think everyone is entitled to make the choice that is right for them.  (Plus....honestly....surgery and the following education on how to eat and when and what to eat and learning to exercise...etc.  wasn't easy for me!)  I am not mad.  I am not complaining.  I just notice the change and the tension and I wish it wasn't there.  I don't know how to fix it.  I don't feel like a victim, or like I should be blamed either.  Just...wish the tension would go away and we could go back to me being a friend period.  ya know? 

Hmmmm...this is so not what I was planning to blog about today.  Must have needed to get it out of my head.  LOL.  Two blogs today perhaps?  We shall see.  Have a great day everyone! Might see you again in a bit!

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