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So recently, I went through some questions that got me focused back on weight loss.  I am so thrilled with the results!  I have lost 3 pounds!  I just needed to tweak a couple things. 

First of all, i put the battery back in the scale.  That really challenged me to be accountable.  No more lying to myself.  I picked days and times to weigh.  I created a chart and I do it!  done.

Secondly, I am cooking on Sundays again.  Fish, chicken, eggs, all kinds of good stuff.  Packing my lunch has saved me tons of money and time.  I love it. 

Thirdly, I am back on the water track again.  I am not quite up to the 64 ounces but i am so close.  I can really tell the difference!

Finally, I changed my schedule a bit.  I no longer allow myself to think its okay to stay up later and watch tv or read or something like that.  I go to bed at a set time and I get up earlier.  I am carving out that time for myself to exercise.  Right now it is just stretching and moving.  But i plan on making it my 30 minute move in the morning to start my day off great.  I find that now that i am not up late, i dont get hungry (BORED) and snack!  How about that!!  I cut so many calories that way.  Even though it was protein and good stuff, it was still calories i didnt need and was eating because i was BORED.  Now i am sleeping...not bored...not eating.  BRILLIANT!  lol 

So far so good with changing habits back to good!  More to follow!! 

I reached my goal weight and then set another, and another, and a few more.  I finally decided on a goal weight of 160 pounds.  This is where I feel healthy and where my body seems comfortable.  So why am I sitting at 164 pounds!!  My lowest was 159 pounds.  Okay, Let me start by saying that I know that we fluctuate because of many different factors.  However, my brain is on a runaway train track telling me I am screwing up.  So I come on to OH and lo and behold! I find the article written just for me.  Just when I need it.  You can find it on your home page just like I did.  It was an article about how to shift focus from regain to loss.  It was about those little aha moments when you go, WHOA!  How did that happen and what is my part in it??  I loved this article because it spoke to the heart of what I do to myself in those moments.  I blame.  I shame.  I beat the crap out of.  And then I feel bad so I eat more.  This was an excellent article giving clear action to avoid this vicious cycle.  YEEHAW!  It asked 5 questions and since I needed a topic for my blog this time, I figured I would answer them here for me and whoever reads this to see and hopefully get something out of. 

Instead of wasting time and energy on negative thinking and shame which for me is a useless emotion, I wanted to focus on the positive and some action steps.  So here goes my action:

1. What are you doing differently at home or work that has contributed to weight gain?  I have NOT been doing my weekly cooking on Sundays.  I used to cook several chicken breasts with different flavoring on them.  I also boiled eggs to have on hand.  I would them weigh them and put them into serving sizes and bag them up.  Flip them into my purse and boom.  Lunch taken care of.  Only I got so sick of eggs the thought of eating another one right now kind of makes me feel a little sick.  I also notice that I have gotten busier at work and my ability to take an actual lunch break has been diminished.  Another thing I have noticed is that it's the dead of winter and I don't exercise like I do in the other seasons.  At home also I am trying to eat when the kids eat instead of eat when I am hungry which means that later at night, I want to snack snack snack.  hmmmm...i didn't realize how many thing were changing.  This is interesting! 

2. Has access to food changed?  Shopping habits or portion sizes changed?  YES!  I allowed miniature candies into my house over Christmas!  Crap!  Because I know one miniature will not make me sick.  So guess what?  I justify having one.  I don't allow ice cream in my house for just this reason.  I get single serve for the kids and they eat it and its gone out of the house.  But that candy jar?  Dang that candy jar!  Because I am not planning out my meals with Sunday cooking, I shop more during the week.  I pick up those quick meals instead of cooking better foods at home.  So that adds calories, salt, preservatives....oh dear.  And while I am still great at using small plates and making sure I get in protein and veggies before all else, I stopped weighing my food.  I will just bet you my eyes are lying to me again about what a portion is.  Oh this is good stuff....so to speak.

3.  Do you multitask as you eat?  Lord I try not too.  I try to eat at a table and not in front of a television.  But at work, I often eat in front of a computer screen with a million files open around me, while returning calls and writing notes.  ugh.  I miss the days when I could take 20 minutes and do nothing but eat.  More responsibility and more money and more challenge is awesome and i love it!  But it has taken a toll on my ability to concentrate on the food I eat.  Oh dear.  Lots of room for improvement.

4.  Have I developed self care habits that bring pleasure and support weight loss?  IF yes, have they changed?  IF no, how could I?  I stopped weighing myself.  I just realized that.  The battery died in my scale.  It is one of those button jobs and I would have had to go to the big town 30 miles away to get one so I just kept putting it off.  3 months later I still have no scale and no battery.  I don't exercise as well due to the weather right now.  And i like the way I feel after a good brisk walk in the fresh air.  It clears my head and alleviates stress.  We moved furniture around and I didn't pull in the WII so I haven't danced with my daughter in forever.  I love doing that.  HMMM!  My goodness when I started I didn't think I would have much to answer in these questions!  Amazing!  And something strange...I don't feel ashamed of what I am writing more than I feel excited that I can DO something about every single thing I have written...aside from making it 80 degrees and sunny in Iowa in the winter..lol. 

5. What 3 actions am I willing to take this week to support shifting my energy from regain to loss?  OH!  I am so excited!  This is where I need to be careful because I will jump in, try to change everything all at once and make NONE of it an actual habit!  Okay so first three things in this first week of change are going to be:

Habit 1!  Sunday cooking day is coming back!  Break out the crock pot and let it do the cooking for me!  This truly is easier than coming home and trying to figure out what to make because nothing is ready to go.  It will save me time, energy and calories.  My kids will benefit by eating healthier and getting some time with mom, both when we cook and prepare on Sundays, and during the week when I have a few more minutes to listen to what happened that day at school.  Winning situation! 

Habit 2!  Sorry kids, you aren't going to like this one!  That candy dish is about to become filled with pretty rocks and/or sand and a candle.  That candy is out of here!  I will honor my kid's right to an occasional sugar treat but it will have to be a regular size candy less often.  Those mini's are the devil!  They still get their kid treat but mom doesn't have the temptation.  Winning situation for mostly mom but kids will forgive me...eventually! 

Habit 3!  Get that WII hooked up and use it!  We have fun when we dance!  Movement feels good.  The kids and I sleep better after we move.  Time to get busy and commit to doing this! 

Now, I don't want to get overwhelmed but there are a couple more things that aren't going to hurt to throw in here.  I am going to buy the battery and put it in the scale.  I will wait to make it a habit to weigh myself until next week so I don't tip my hand.  But this is something simple that needs to happen. 

AHHHH!  I feel better already.  My attention is now flowing toward a positive direction and so is my energy.  I don't feel locked into place by shame and embarrassment.  I feel like some small changes are what I need, and what I CAN do to feel better.  This rocks!  IF only everything were this easy!  I will update you and let you know how my 3 habits are going! 

My whole life I have struggled with depression and the same is true even after WLS.  I thought I had finally had it beat because for almost two years after surgery I was medication free and feeling terrific.  This winter, depression returned with a vengeance.  With it, the thought of comforting with food became an issue in a way it hadn't since surgery.  Rather than lament about fate and feel ashamed, I chose to face it.  For some reason, I am one of the people who deals with depression.  I saw my doctor and got back on some medication.  My issue with the medication is that it makes me feel hungry.  I have to be aware and deal with that because the benefit of taking the medication outweighs the consequences of not taking it.  I also knew from past experience that I would need more than just medication to handle my depression.  I needed something to feed my soul.  My body was demanding something to fill it, but the hole was not hunger.  The hole was much deeper and blacker than hunger.  It needed to be filled with love and light.

I have a history of abuse.  Now I have heard that many with eating disorders do and I don't know if that is true or not.  I do know it happens to be true for me.  Fear, shame, anger and guilt have been constant negative influences on my life and my choices for so long that I often don't recognize them until I go back and read my journal or until a close friend points them out.  You see I am GREAT at hiding.  I am great at having a smile on my face and feeling crappy inside.  I am great at telling you how okay I am when the truth is that I am not feeling okay.  I knew that this too would have to end. 

The first resource I reached out to was my bariatric team.  I let them know about the medication I was on and how it was affecting me.  They came up with many ideas and strategies that have been useful to me in my everyday life.  I can't say that I have fluctuated up and down by 7 pounds but by using the tools, I have been able to minimize the affects.  I meet with the nurse once a month and in just those few minutes, I feel like I have a cheerleader and someone really interested in helping me succeed. 

I started going to counseling again.   You don't know what you don't know and there is no shame in learning.  I struggle with finding ways to cope with my feelings.  I go to counseling to learn how to do this effectively.  I can safely sort through those emotions that seem tough to me and learn that no one will fall apart if I acknowledge that I am angry, sad, confused, hurt, lost...or any of those things that MY brain associates as negative emotions.  I can talk them out and look at them realistically with a reflection there if i need one. 

And then I still had to deal with a major loss in my life.  Eating for comfort.  That's right.  Food was my best friend.  I turned to it when ever that aching emptiness hit.  And never have I missed it more than I do now.  It feels so good to admit that.  I can acknowledge it and not have to act on it.  What a blessing.  I have this gnawing place inside me.  Sometimes I think it will swallow me whole and I will just disappear into it.  Those times don't happen very often anymore, but they do happen.  Exposing those feelings diminishes them for me.  Okay, so I don't have to eat to fill that hole.  So what will heal it, what will fill it? 

Well, for me, that gnawing place inside me is the unhealed, hurting part of my soul.  It is the part I never dealt with, never acknowledged, never loved enough to treat.  It is like a wounded animal that has been beaten and abused.  It mistrusts and doubts loving gestures and it requires loving patients and tender care.  It is scarred and marred and covered in muck.  It self protects and it hides from the very thing that will set it free...love.  I know that under all that lies the absolutely beautiful soul that started out in this world and that only time and attention gets me closer to it.

I am a single mother of two.  I go to garage sales because you can get things you need for next to nothing and I LOVE the thrill of a bargain, and because, well, I have to make ends meet.  I needed a new desk because my old one literally split in half and fell apart.  I found this old one that had great bones but tons of scars and dings.  It had been used well.  I got it for $3 and brought it home.  Everyone thought I had just traded one piece of junk for another, but I knew what it could be.  I sanded and sanded on that thing.  I stained it and then sanded and stained it some more.  Eventually, the beauty came out and everyone wanted that old $3 desk that was on it's way to the junk yard.  What I discovered is that while I was working on the piece, my head cleared.  The ache disappeared.  I felt good from my head to my toes.  I had renewed energy.  I didn't snap at the kids or dread the everyday chores life brings.  I was learning to feed my soul.

The next significant piece was an old make-up table.  Now I have written about this before.  But it deserves revisiting.  I found this thing out in a barn.  It had been sitting there for at least 10 years.  It was covered in thick dust and bird crap.  But i fell in love the minute I saw it.  It was badly scarred and damaged on the top.  At one time, collectors would have paid a lot of money for it but now most would shake their heads sadly and walk away.  I called my brother to help me snap it up.  He came over and help me load it and just shook his head.  He thought i was crazy and wasting my time.  He couldn't see what I saw. 

I got home and placed it on a tarp and began scrubbing it.  Layers of muck and mud and bird crap ran off of it.  I was filthy after just a few minutes but I just kept cleaning it gently and thoroughly.  She was coming back to life.  I could see her beauty.  I guess I must have had quite a look on my face because my brother commented that I had never looked more beautiful.  Me?  Beautiful?  I was covered in mud, bird crap, and muck.  It was streaked in the sweat on my face.  It caked my arms and legs.  My hair was pulled back in a pony tail out of frustration.  And there is my very stoic very non-sappy brother telling me that he thought i was beautiful.  WEIRD. 

But that's when it hit me.  He caught a glimpse of what was inside.  You see while I worked to uncover the beauty I knew was in that piece, that hurting place inside me began to heal just a little.  I got closer to that white light of soul that was there under the muck life had buried it under.  I was feeding my soul and it was responding.  He just happened to be there to see it.  He was responding to my light.  He commented on how I could see things others couldnt.  He thought that piece was junk, but i had seen something very different.  He told me he was proud to have a sister like that.  WOW. 

And so it began.  I have worked on several pieces since then.  Some I have sold.  Most have replaced things in my home.  All of them have helped heal and feed my soul.  I am currently working on a great old coffee table that is about to get a new life as a window seat in a brand new reading area in my dining room.  My children are helping.  You see they needed healing too.  They were hungry as much as I was.  And so as we are sanding and talking, we bond and we heal.  We don't reach for food to fill us up, we reach for love and for each other. 

So much of what I am learning has little to do with my body and a lot to do with my head and my heart.  The physical aspect of obesity was easy for me.  The mental and emotional parts of my life are not.  I still struggle.  I still find myself waking up and wanting to reach for something to make the gnawing stop.  But more and more often, I am able to stop it with gentle loving kindness towards myself rather than with food.  This is my miracle.  Perfect i am not.  Happy i am.  Amen! 

I stopped writing my blog for almost a year.  I still journaled regularly.  I just didn't blog.  I don't know why I stopped exactly except that someone said that they had found a blog I had written and it had affected them.  For some reason, that freaked me out.  I thought, "my god!  What if I fail? Will they think everything I said was a lie?  What if I can't do this or if I say the wrong thing?"  So many thoughts went through my head.  And then it hit me.  I am sharing honestly.  I have good times and bad times.  This is MY journey, specific only to me.  And it just may help someone along the way, but it will certainly help me.  And right now, I need that.

To catch you up, if anyone is reading this...lol, I had surgery in September of 2010.  I started my weight loss journey at 450+ pounds.  I was eating myself to death.  I had two small children who were going to bury their mom if I didn't do something.  I didn't do something.  So I started off with what I felt was the real problem.  My head.  I saw a counselor and started dealing with some issues I didn't even fully understand were affecting me in the way that they were.  When I started, I was homebound.  I chose not to leave my home.  I only left when I had to and even that was an adventure.  I would panic before I even got to the door.  I had built my own prison and only I had the key. 

After two years of therapy, I began to try dieting.  I would get so discouraged!  I would work that diet to the LETTER and I would exercise as hard as I could.  Though to be completely honest, a lot of it was using my own weight.  For instance, I would get up and down out of a kitchen chair.  I would step up and down off one stair.  I would lift milk jugs with various amounts of water or sand in them.  I would lift my legs and arms.  Because the truth of it was, I couldn't walk.  I couldn't move well.  But I stuck with it.  I would lose up to 60 pounds and then it would just stop.  I mean I would stop losing even though I was doing everything the way they told me too.  And to add insult to injury, I gained!  I took the looks to mean they didn't believe me.  And some of them did not.  I would get so depressed and then I would do the worst thing I could do.  I would give up on myself.  Only, with the therapy I had received, I cultivated a spark of hope.  It was then that I met the first Doctor who ever looked me in the eye and said, "I believe you and I believe in you.  I can help you." 

Dr. Ver Steeg did my surgery in September 2010.  It wasn't easy.  I had a very high bmi, I used food as comfort and crutch, I had a history of blood clots, and my health sucked to put it mildly.  I lost 60 pounds before surgery.  I think this proved my determination as well as made me stronger and healthier for the surgery.  I had a filter put in my renal arteries to help protect me from clots.  I was well informed about the risks of surgery.  Dr. Ver Steeg pulled no punches with me.  The surgery went very well.  The only complication was an allergy to pain medication.  Coming home on baby tylenol was tough.  But I actually thank God for that.  It made me move.  I could not sit.  The pain would get to me.  I had to get up and move.  And i believe I healed faster because of this.  I still remember that first walk after arriving home.  I couldn't make it around the whole block, but I tried dammit.  I got out there and I tried.  My face was red and sweaty.  I felt like I couldn't breathe and thought I might pass out.  But two hours later I went out again and I made it a bit further that time.  And by the end of that first day home, I had nearly made it half way.  The next day I walked around that huge block and when I got home, you would have thought I had won the gold!  I remember that feeling of accomplishment.  I remember weeping at the joy I felt.  I remember that hope that flooded me.  It had been years since I had walked even that far.  I would walk now.  And I would be grateful because I would remember how it felt to not be able to walk.  My prison door flew open.

Two years later I have had to completely re-learn things I had thought I had always known.  I do not consider myself a dieter.  I am no longer a slave to the diet grind.  I simple choose to eat in a different way.  Food is fuel now instead of comfort.  It has a cost analysis.  If there isn't enough protein and nutrition to justify the calories, it is too expensive and too low a grade of fuel for this finely tuned machine to be choking on.  lol.  If I am feeling empty, I don't reach for food to fill the hole.  I write.  I try to figure out what I am feeling and why.  I drink water.  I go for a walk.  I do something I love.  I hug my kids.  But I don't use food as a crutch.  Because it will eventually kill me if I do.  Now many would say that is too extreme.  But for me, it's the truth. 

I am not perfect.  But I do plan a little better.  My birthday is this Saturday.  Now I know the meal will be healthy because I am preparing it.  (fish and veggies)  My kids are young and birthday cake making is standard.  So I will lower the calories by making it using an old Weight Watchers recipe and using a dollop of whipped cream instead of sugar loaded frosting.  Plus, I will be blowing out the candles and then indulging in just a tiny piece.  Sugar still gets me sick.  The kids get to be kids and enjoy a sweet treat.  Mom gets to be healthy and "normal" without the high cost for crap fuel.  (pun sooo intended, tyvm)

What I still struggle with is my own body image.  I still see a fat person.  I am still deemed to be overweigh by the bmi charts we all love to hate.  What does it matter?  Well, because I am still at risk for certain diseases with extra weight.  Beside my head says I have failed if I am still over weight.  Because my mind and my eyes don't see what others might see and don't think what "normal" folks might think when it comes to this issue.  And that's where my struggles lie today.  The overwhelming fear that this will be taken away.  That I will forget what it means to be able to walk, ride a bike, move, dance, work without pain.  That I will revert back to bad behaviors.  That I will be too ashamed to ask for help if I need it.  Those are the dances I do these days.  It's all in my head, which is exactly where my obesity started. 

I stay positive these days.  I know what to do.  I don't allow myself to make excuses.  IF there is a good reason why I am not doing something I should, then I see out solutions.  Exercise is a tough one for me in the winter.  Ice and snow and cold keep me in.  It's my responsibility to be creative.  I drink less water for some reason in the winter.  It's my responsibility to make sure I am still getting those 2 liters or more a day in.  I spend my attention on the solution and the energy follows the attention.  Now there are times when the attention likes to stray and that's why I am still active on this site, my groups, and with my doctor.  I need to keep the flow going.  I need you to help me.  Maybe we can find our way together.   

 Some stories just need a place to be told.

I saw the text come in and knew right away what was wrong.  Heidi never texts unless it's important.  This was particularly foreboding.  "Call me ASAP."  I figured it was about the wedding we were having in less than two weeks.  Sometimes you just get sick of all the planning and doing and trying on that you just want to cut loose.  Well, it was going to be St. Patricks Day on Saturday and we were hard pressed to think of a better excuse to fire up the grill and have friends over for a bon fire.  But I knew somehow.  This was not going to be one of those calls.

I know it sounds corny, but my mind actually did do a flash back.  I was 19 again and meeting one of my best friend's new roommates.  One in particular stood out to me as someone who was just a down to earth guy and fun person to hang out with.  His name was Joe.  From the moment we were introduced, it was like we were joined at the hip.  He was like a long lost brother and I can tell you that most of the best times in my life have been with or celebrated by this man.  I remember meeting his wife and thinking that she would be the one to keep his rotten ass out of the jail I was sure our wild ways would put us in one day!  I met his mom and thought, well that explains things!  lol.  Connie was one of a kind.  She was so opposite my prim and proper mother, but just as loving.  She rode harleys, smoked like a chimney and drank beer like it was water.  But she would be quick to tell you that she doesn't drink whiskey and hadn't since 1981.  She worked a lot because she was on her own with her children.  Joe was her baby and he absolutely adored her.  I held his children when they were first born right there in the hospital.  He came and held mine when they were born.  Joe and Heidi dropped everything and ran anytime I got into trouble.  (which was way too often actually)  We may not be blood, but we are brother and sister through and through.  

Joe started taking care of his mom when his step dad passed away.  He bought her a house and set her up in it.  He made sure she had whatever she needed.  She continued to work and support herself, but Joe was there for the fix-it jobs, the car repairs, whatever.  He did it gladly.  He loved her so much.  

in 2010, my dad became very ill with end stage kidney disease.  His whole family got tested.  The only one that match had diabetes.  He was put on a donor list but we were not given much hope that one would come in time.  The doctor told us in September to enjoy the holidays this year and make the most of them.  Like I do when all my hurts become too much to handle alone, I turned to Joe and Heidi and their island of strength and support.  Heidi did me one better.  Joe and Heidi ran to their home town doctor and got tested.  Heidi came back a potential match.  They sent the results on to Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.  She went up and got further tests.  Not only was she a match, she was a near perfect match.  And healthy as a horse.  This beautiful soul, mother of two, wonderful friend of mine in her early 30's donated a kidney to save my dad's life.  Of course, they never told a soul they had been tested, or that they were going to Mayo for further testing or even that they were considering doing any of this.  They never said a word until my dad's birthday when they called him up and said, "we didn't get you a card this year, we got you a kidney instead.  Tell Jodi to top that one!"  lol.  (old joke)  On Veterans day, my dad and Heidi underwent surgery.  Everything turned out great, for both of them.  How do you thank someone for that?  For stopping their lives so completely to save the life of someone else?  I had no words.  

My dad got home in December, right before Christmas.  It was one of the best Christmases I can remember.  Heidi was absolutely fed up with people thanking her and making a big deal out of what she had done.  She saw it as something that needed done.  Not as the sacrifice and gift we all saw it as.  She suffered through the speeches my dad made her go to.  He was thanking her in the only way he knew how, loudly!  lol.  He was raising awareness for organ donation.  Those were the speeches he gave.  But in January, things changed.

Joe's mom, his hero, was diagnosed with Leukemia.  The prognosis wasn't good.  They did what they could for her at the doctor's office.  Chemo and meds.  She was too sick for even a bone marrow transplant.  We did the best we could to put together a benefit for Miss Connie.  Joe and Heidi footed most of the bill though.  Again, with a glad heart and as though it was just something that needed to be done, not an act of grace.  They kept up their spirits and hers.  They took her to Florida to Sea World, she had always wanted to go.  They drained their savings accounts and took different jobs to be there for her.  Time is precious.  

Miss Connie lost her fight with cancer just a little over a year since her diagnosis.  I found out when I called Heidi back the day I got the text.  Despite taking a job trucking where he was home every night, Joe still missed saying goodbye by 5 minutes.  I know he was beside himself because of this.  Heidi assures him it was a blessing in disguise.  

The wake was last night.  I went, prepared to comfort or help in any way I could.  What a found was a celebration going on.  A celebration of a life thoroughly lived.  This woman, who worked too hard because she had to, smoked and drank because she wanted to, and loved hard because that's who she was, was being remembered in the laughter of those who knew her.  What a woman she was to produce such a wonderful son.  Among the crowd were folks dressed in suits and Sunday best as well as folks dressed in jeans and leathers.  All standing together, united by this single woman.  

Today the sun was peaking through the clouds as we enjoyed a rare 80 degree March day.  We went through the formal funeral and I smiled as I thought of how Miss Connie would have just cringed at having to dress up for her last ride.  We left the stuffy funeral home into that warm morning and mounted bikes.  I again grinned as i looked at myself.  Business wear, high heels and leather jacket, all on the back of a Harley in the middle of a procession of people.  Before we started up, I heard Joe call back, "Let's make some noise.  Wake 'em up and let 'em know she is coming boys!"  And we that, we rumbled to life.  Tears did come then.  For all of us.  The thought on my mind?  It's okay now Miss Connie, we are gonna get you there.  We got you.  

At the grave side, the wind blew the preacher's words away.  It didn't matter though.  I was jubilant.  We had done it.  She was safely home, one last time.  Joe did his mom proud, as usual.  As I watched this beautiful couple walk away and stand in front of their bike, I hugged them both hard and whispered, "We woke 'em all up Joe.  They know she's home."  

Connie will be sorely missed.  When she left this world, she left it a better place than when she got here.  She came skidding in sideways, exhausted and beat up, yelling, "What a hell of a ride!"  I hope they have harleys in heaven Connie.  May God bless and keep you always.  

I can't believe how fast this year is flying by!  I used to watch time crawl.  I remember being locked in my house by my own hand and praying for time to pass.  Wishing it all away.  Now I find myself wishing it would slow down just a little so I can savor!  lol.  This is much better. 

Losing the weight has meant being able to work again.  I take a lot of pride in what I do.  I like my job very much.  It gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  I started out here last year at 100 pounds (or more) heavier than I am now.  I was in one cottage and though I still struggled to keep up with physical parts of the job, I could do it!  My job now looks a lot different than the one I started with.  Now, I am alll over the place, running, doing, going.  It makes me appreciate my body so much more.  Someone who locked herself away from the world, jobless, hopeless to someone who is out in the community. 

 I feel like my personality finally gets a chance to fit my body.  I know this will sound strange, but even with depression, I have always been the cheerful, smiling, funny one.  I didn't say and do things, like karaoke or plays or sports, because of my self esteem.  Now I sing karaoke and play and laugh.  Mostly, it's so much fun.  I have noticed a few troubling things.  First of all, guys notice me now.  The other night, I took my two kids to the mall.  (We hit an end of season sale at Penny's.  HOLY COW!  The kids are decked out in shirts and sweaters for next year.  Got there too late for the $2 arizona jeans sale but still!  And mom got 3 shirts before my youngest collapsed on the floor in a heap of male child misery.  lol)  Anyway, we went into the hair cut place looking like refugees after trying to console my son and calm my daughter who was mad at him for ...well...acting like a bit of a brat. (bless his heart)  We had 3 great big bags of clothes we had bought at the sale.  (I mean great big bags..like pillow size bags!  $48  people!)  Anyway, in the past, when I was large, men have OFTEN not given up there seats for me.  Unless they were older gentlemen and then they would get up for any lady.  (generation thing?  not that i expect men to get up for me!  this is just an observation)  I went into the salon and TWO men jumped up to give me their seats.  This time I did gratefully accept.  (high heeled boots are not the best for warrior shopping trips.  Hey, i had just come from work!  just saying)  Apparently, one of the men was "majorly hitting on me."  (stylist had to tell me)  I totally didn't catch it.  Figured he was just talking about stuff because he was bored.  Never occurred to me that he was interested in me.  I am just not familiar with that concept.  Anyway.  The stylist laughed at me and told me to step out of mommy mode once in a while.  I wanted to tell her that it wasn't mommy mode that kept me from seeing that.  But, I don't fully understand it myself so it was going to be impossible to explain to someone who wouldn't understand.  lol  This could be a fun thing I guess.  I am very happy in a relationship and I certainly wasn't looking for attention.  I was literally in my work clothes from that morning and it was 7pm!  It made me wonder what other social cues I was getting or missing.  And that was uncomfortable.  At 36, do I not know how to relate to the opposite sex?  I am everyone's buddy.  That's who I have always been!  I don't understand this new concept.  And I feel socially incompetent.  ugh. 

The other thing that I have noticed is that certain relationships with women in my life are changing.  Some relationships have disappeared completely.  My two besties are still my biggest cheerleaders.  I am so lucky to have them.  I was scared things might change when my weight went below one of them.  She is terrific.  Instead of getting angry, she celebrated with me.  And she recommitted to her own journey to health.  We talk a lot about the difference between being healthy and being a certain size.  I was forgetting the goal of health.  I was complaining about my body stopping but I was still a plus size!  She looked at me and said, "Are you healthy though?  Will your children's children get to know you now?"  That kicked me back into play fast.  lol.  Other relationships aren't so easy.  I will often hear comments about losing weight the "Right way" versus the "Easy way."  Like I did something wrong and should be ashamed of it.  I think everyone is entitled to make the choice that is right for them.  (Plus....honestly....surgery and the following education on how to eat and when and what to eat and learning to exercise...etc.  wasn't easy for me!)  I am not mad.  I am not complaining.  I just notice the change and the tension and I wish it wasn't there.  I don't know how to fix it.  I don't feel like a victim, or like I should be blamed either.  Just...wish the tension would go away and we could go back to me being a friend period.  ya know? 

Hmmmm...this is so not what I was planning to blog about today.  Must have needed to get it out of my head.  LOL.  Two blogs today perhaps?  We shall see.  Have a great day everyone! Might see you again in a bit!

I was going to come on and just blast away at myself in this blog.  Then I decided to go to my start page and see what others were posting about on the boards.  Divine intervention.  That's all i can say.  lol

I feel guilty today.  I feel guilty because my 6 year old son was still sick and I had to send him to school anyway.  I am a single mom.  And i mean single.  My ex has pretty much checked out.  (Although i do have to say that his soon to be wife (March 9th) is actually a wonderful person.  Since he has been with her, he sees the kids more often, even though he has not kept them overnight in almost 2 years...except for one time.  She is a nice person to them, treats them well, makes them feel comfortable, and according to my son, makes the best chocolate chip pancakes ever.  I am actually looking ahead with hope to co-parenting with this lady.  I think we can make a bad situation way more positive.  I know she has already helped by getting my ex to see the kids more.  My ex and I are kinda weird i guess because we do get along.  I am FRUSTRATED that he doesn't take the kids more often.  However, other than making them available and gently encouraging the relationships, I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself.  Best way to REALLY screw a kid up in divorce?  Fight and talk smack about the other half who made them.  Just sayin'.  But since this is just between you and me and the kids don't read it, I WISH HE WOULD CHECK BACK IN!!)  Anyway, I asked if he could watch our son because work is getting a little ticked at me for missing so much with the kids being sick.  He actually didn't spout off with his usual, "you wanted physical custody, now deal with it!"  comment.  He didn't watch him either.  But he didn't become ass-like either.  So anyway...

I stayed home yesterday with my son.  I knew there were consequences i would face.  But my son needed me and i was out of options.  He still needs me today but he is way better.  Although he should have been resting one more day, i had what i felt was no choice but to send him.  I am out of sick and vacation time.  I haven't been earning it long and with all the illnesses this year, its gone.  If i don't work my full 40 hours, they take so much per hour out of my check to put towards the cost of insurance.  Smaller check because i miss hours AND because i had to pay more for insurance.  We live on a budget.  A very tight budget.  A peter-robs-paul budget.  I had had had to go to work.  But i feel like crap.  Mom has to earn the living but mom also needs to be there for the babies.  There is no winning there some times.  

Or is there?  I was going to come here and tear myself apart.  But you know what?  That happens.  I am not perfect.  And its about time that I...me...moi....start defining what success is and isn't.  In life as well as my weight loss journey.  And that's the idea that i walked away from the boards with this morning.  I am doing the BEST I can do with what i have.  I show up and suit up every day.  I am no longer hiding from things and people and my life.  I am present.  Sometimes its fabulous and sometimes its messy, but I continue to do what i think is best.  I am teachable, open-minded, and willing to change an idea that no longer works.  How is that not successful? 

OMG!  Aren't you tired?  Aren't you as tired as i am of trying to live up to someone else's standards and expectations of what we should or should not do, be, feel, say, think??  ugh.  I want to choose how my story goes.  I want to define what beautiful is and is not.  I want to define what being a good mom is and is not.  And it is up to me to determine what success is.   

I went through all the steps before the surgery, including having a filter put in above my renal arteries to catch any potential blood clots as i had a horrid history with those things.  I faced surgery and felt only normal anxiety.  If this meant dying, i was ready to do that because I wasn't there for my kids and wouldnt be there long anyway if i didnt do something.  I was calm the whole time through the weight loss portion.  I just kept working and doing the next right thing.  I kept my eyes focused on the next step and kept truckin ahead.  I never hesitated or doubted or questioned.  I KNEW i was doing all i could and the results would show up later on if they didn't on a particular month.  I trusted my team completely and did what i was told.  I hated HATED HATED being obese.  It cut me off from loved ones and humans in general.  I was trapped in my own home for two years because i was afraid to leave and hear what people said about me or have them see me.  IT was lonely and empty and I was willing to do whatever it took to not feel that way. 

So why now, when my goal is just a few pounds away, am i feeling the stirrings of REAL fear??!!  I dont know if it's fear of success or fear i will fail or fear because what do i do now?  WHere is the goal?  What am i working toward next?  What the heck does someone on maintenence eat??  AHHHH! 

See, before I would hide this fear and let it grow in the dark.  I wouldn't want people to think me weak or unsure.  Now I understand the importance of giving light to the feelings and letting them come into the light.  Sharing it will shrink it and allow me to think about solutions instead of the problem.  So that's what I am doing today.  Using my voice and changing my life. 

I don't know if i am afraid of success or failure and I am not sure it matters, except that I acknowledge the fear.  So that's where I am going to leave that for now.  I am afraid now that my final before plastics goal is in reach.  I will carefully watch my behavior and thoughts for those ways that I sabbotage myself without realizing I am doing it.  I can keep my journal with me and log every time I want to eat, what is going on, my mood, and what I craved.  I can use the tools I learned from doc.  Drink water first and see if i am thirsty versus hungry.  I can see if the hunger is a tummy hunger or a heart hunger.  Meaning I can reach out to another human before i put something in my mouth and make contact to fill emotional emptiness.  If i am tummy hungry, i know now that i can make healthy choices!  I am not a slave to that voice in my head that demands sweets or carbs or junk.  I AM IN CONTROL.  Okay, well my higher power gives me what I need to make better choices which in a way puts me in control, but you get my meaning!  lol

As far as being goal driven, well, i just am.  I do better when I am working toward something.  Now that the number on the scale is there I need to pick a new goal that will aid in keeping the number there AND enrich my life in some way.  I didnt do this to see a number on the scale.  I did this because I was dying from obesity and complications thereof.  SO... I have been thinking long and hard about what it would take to make me better.  And the one area that shows up in almost every collumn is exercise.  It is a stress reducer and I know it helps me with my depression issues.  I no longer have to take medications for depression...AMAZING to me.  So exercise would improve the emotional aspect.  It obviously will improve the physical aspect.  Also, I can't think of a better new way to connect with the kids than getting them up and outside.  Playing with them!  Not watching them play!  Swimming with them.  Sure i do that now...but think of how much more i will be able to do if i am more fit?  So thats where the new goals are going to focus.  I will figure out what a good resting heart rate is for me, and what it needs to be when i exercise.  I will make goals for the treadmill...walking so many miles at so many miles per hour and just increase it.  Now that's something i can DO instead of stay stuck in fear.  Awesome. 

As far as the unknown, duh!  This site is full of info on that.  My team has the info I need.  I can seek it out.  There is no excuse for sitting back and saying I dont know.  I can find out. 

I feel better now!  lol.  This blog has been a way to use the tools I learned in therapy and i know they probably dont make a lot of sense.  However, its been invaluable to me.  It has helped me keep my emotional balance during some of the most trying times of my life, and through some of the BEST times in my life.  It has kept me focused and honest.  And even if no one reads it, I appreciate the forum to spit my truth.  Have a great day everyone.  Please stay with me and remain solution driven.  I need you!  Positivity can mean EVERYTHING! 

I have my official weigh in today at the doc's office.  I am close to goal again.  It is getting harder and harder to lose but i think I am nearing my set point weight rather than doing something wrong.  It's been an emotional time but I have done pretty well at dealing.  My brother is doing better and we continue to be hopeful about his progress.  Life marches on...  I have been busy with my job.  I have a new boyfriend that i have been seeing since November.  He is an amazing guy.  He thinks I am pretty amazing too.  All those questions that I had about when to take the relationship to the next level seem silly now.  When it's right, you know.  That other guy?  He wasn't the right one.  He was nice and I am sure he will make someone very happy, he just isn't for me.  I am so glad I realized that before anything happened between us.  It's nice to have a normal break up where no one is the bad guy.  It just didn't work out and that's okay.  I am learning all about balance right now.  Balancing health and emotional needs, the needs of the kids and my needs, the needs of work and the needs of home, the needs of a job and then the needs for down time.  I also am finding that me time is important too.  Time to date and exercise and see my friends are all important needs too.  They were all ignored before surgery.  Now I have to pay attention to them.  Balance is hard for me but in trying I am finding how fulfilling life can be.  I used to feel so lonely and alone and empty.  Now I feel like I am living the life I always dreamed of.  My attitude and viewpoint is what changed it all.  Life sometimes gets me down.  I think illnesses and deaths are supposed to hurt.  However, I have options now to deal with those things.  I am close to maintenance with my weight loss.  How cool is that?  I look forward to the next phase in this adventure.  I will tell you how close to goal I am soon and whether i hit maintenance or not.  Have a great day everyone! 

 Just wanted to say that I am feeling way less overwhelmed today.  It was a great reminder to get back to basics.  I need to sleep, eat appropriately, take my vitamins, get in my water, and exercise.  Above and beyond that, I also need to take care of my emotional health.  Just blogging about it really helped.  I also realized I had begun to isolate again and so I reached out and made some calls.  In doing that, I reaffirm my commitment to a healthy life.  Tough times are going to happen.  It took me YEARS to develop bad habits.  It will take a while to develop my good habits so they kick in without my having to think about them.  So I didn't do it perfectly this time.  So what?  I didn't binge on food.  I reached out for the coping skills i am learning.  Next time it will hopefully come a little earlier in the process, you know like before the pain motivates me.  lol.  I'm giving myself a learning curve.  I did okay.  NEXT!