I hit a lonnnng speed bump in my journey about one month ago.  I was feeling draggy and down about my weight loss, or lack thereof.  I had maintained the same weight for about one month and only lost a little bit since Christmas.  about 8 lbs as of now.  Before I was steadily losing about 2 lbs per week or even more, so this was really hard to take.  I was eating more and the things I was eating or snacking on were not what I should be. I certainly wasn't indulging in large amounts of anything, but the picking I was doing was out of frustration and boredome...I wanted crunch! crackle! some spice! so I was chomping on tortillas (even t hough they are multigrain, that does not mean healthy) and croutons and cereals.  But not a lot of anything.  This is what really got me down was how little I actually ate compared to before surgery...then it was ridiculous...I was also feeling down that I would only eat that small amount at meal times for the rest of my life.  Or even less if I was to lose more and get to my goal. I was so down that I was not losing like I had thought I would in my long range plan.  fI was feeling old and tired; found my iron was low at my January appt. so that was an issue - that took me a while to grow accustomed to - the iron pill was tough to deal with.

I think I'm on a better road now..I know I am...I feel better and not so moody...I feel that I am back on track and have actually droppped a few pounds

Well, here it is another FOGGY crummy day....I've had enough...there is a reason I don't live in Seattle!! Anyway, I do know that feeling good and feeling strong (usually every day now) has helped me not be so bothered by the weather we've been having.  Before, it would have been cause for grazing....the night away....cuz it's just a downer to me.  Now, it's just a mere annoyance...but sure makes me enjoy the sun when it's out...it was for a short time today...but it's gone again....tonite and tomorrow look nasty with a weather system settling in.  Again, it's not too bad now to deal with since the happy brain cells are more engaged.

I'm struggling a little with weighty issues....just not going down again since my loss right after Christmas...it's hard to keep the numbers going down....I know I was eating a bit much in between my meals....so I've cut back again...my mind keeps wandering toward some crunching and it's just not going to win!!! No!  So, I sit with a nice warm peach tea.....this afternoon I didn't have my extra snack that I've been getting in...I simply did not pack it today. So....there was nothing to eat, so I didn't eat.  Simple. 

Still, sometimes it's a bummer because I think of how I will continue to fight this my WHOLE life.  Well, at least I am fighting and not just giving up.  At least I have done something serious and know that I will have it forever...just need to play by the rules.  That's hard.  Sometimes harder than others.

"Cause if you're willin to go through all the battling you gotta go through to get to where you wanna get, who's got the right to stop you.

Now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth.
But you've gotta be willing to take the hits.
And not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody."

Thank God Christmas is over!  Well, almost anyway...it's January 5 and we still have one more family thing to do.  But it's a small bit of people...my family and we can have a decent lowfat high protein meal with out all the crap.  My family is not big into the crap and is satisfied with whatever I put out.   I'll do steamed shrimp and cocktail sauce...veggie & dip (made with nonfat greek yogurt)...sauteed spinach with feta, chicken, and steamed carrots.  I'll also make some brown rice risotto for the gang ...that will not be for me! 

So Christmas I was up 2 pounds for a week!  what a waste!  I had to fight that one off...damned cookies.  BUt after my son and his friends were here, most of them disappeared and whatever is left, gets thrown out.  They're stale now, right!?  I was proud of myself that I got right back on my plan and went to the gym and did my exercises plus walked the dog out in the cold...DOWN and UP the big hill!  What a great feeling....I would never have done that BEFORE....if I did, it was aversive conditioning....I would feel so bad and so worn out that I wouldn't attempt it again for a long long time.  BUt, this was excellent....actually I think the dog was more tired than me!

I will cook so I can be in control I like control and food issues make me crazy if I'm not.  I've had a bad time the last two weeks....well, not bad all around...but a few days I felt like grazing and thank GOD!  I got sick! both times...DUH slow learner or what?  I was thinking, hmmm...too bad I don't dump from this chocolate (I went outside of my little square of 86% that I eat every day....I ate some crappy candy (well, good quality but uber sweet) and didn't dump...but thankfully being a little stupid and bored, I ate some other stuff and BARFED.  so....it made the association with the candy a strong one....revulsions!  Thank God for little favors.

I am feeling so good most of the time...a few things really pissed me off and I'll blog them here.  Lisa, if for some reason you can read this, well fine.  You deserve it.  You hurt my feelings...well, your obvious lack of tact and normal human emotion pissed me off....CaroleAnn stood right there and commented on my 75 POUNDS of weight loss...and you said nothing.  Fine. Be a princess.  I haven't seen this person in how long and can't say one thing?  I don't care really...it's just the way she is....but not to say anything??? geez.  It's okay that others (including me) compliment you...but nothing?  Well, she's not the only one who didn't say anything...but who cares?  Maryanne didn't say anything either....always Denise notices and compliments me...I don't really care about the actual complimenting, but noticing is 1. a nice thing to do to acknowledge someone's major life changes and hard work and 2. gives much needed support.  I know I am doing great and I don't need anyone to tell me that, but it sure doesn't hurt to hear it.  Sometimes I get annoyed by the ones who say too much...and call me Miss Skinny and Skinny Butt etc.  That gets old.  But, just knowing that I am doing well is what I need...and feeling strong and  healthy.  That's what is important.

Screw 'em all if they're jealous.

and bitchy.

Screw 'em!

Welllll.....hmm.  In some respects the answer is a resounding YES!!  I'm ready for a break from school, to see a lot of family (so many people are going to be around this year! I'm so excited).....I will say I'm anxious to feel good with them this year...not fat and gluttony.  I've worked hard and I'm looking forward to feeling good with my family.  I'm a little freaked though since I was making gingerbread cookie dough today...and I kept picking at it...I needed to insert gum!  I'm lucky I didn't get sick.  Actually I wish I had.

I'm down nearly 72 pounds since my surgery on July 23.  I feel so good....sometimes I am struck by that amount...I just always thought it wouldn't happen unless god forbid....I had my mouth wired shut or something.....and then I didn't think it would happen.  I never made it past the 38 pound mark...and here I am nearly double that!  I give a lot of credit to myself...of course, but I have surrounded myself with excellent support....my therapist...love you Dr. Seth....who listened to me blabber and blubber about being fat and encouraged me to DO something...anything.  So I did.  Well, then there's Dr. Abkin...love him!  He and his staff are so wonderful...and of course....thanks to him for doing such a great job!  I mean, obviously it' sa great job since it's all working.....well!    And AnnMarie, my nutritionist...she's so easy to talk to and so sweet.  I like the support group too that she is part of running with Pat...

I can't neglect the work I did so long with my first therapist...who brought me to a good place so many times...helped me with the bullshit I carried around with me....for without that Michele....where would I be? worse off for sure.    My family has been supportive, especially my sons. 

And my dogs.

Mostly, I've played by the rules...and sometimes, like today, I snitch a bit too much and then I catch myself and WHOA! that's the old crappy habits sneaking back in....rmeember the pouchette doesn't like crappy eating.

How I will make cookies I don't know...they are my weak spot...so maybe I don't make too much.  Just when I have to put them out.  no pile up.  :)  I really don't have to have any around....so what if I don't make them? will anyone be disappointed? yes.  will anyone drop dead because of it? no.

Okay, I think I've convinced myself...only make what I have to make...like for my kiddos in class I'll finish the gingerbread and the sugar cookies to ice in our cookie party, but that's it.

Family.  A bunch of family and food fests.  I shall remain true to myself.  I'll offer to bring shrimp and maybe a sugar free dessert.

I am not planning any food orgies here...just lots of company..oh and that's why I usually had a lot of cookies.  they don't need them either.

So....what else have I done for myself?  Bought up some massages on sale...I've been celebrating each 20 lbs mark with a luxurious massage for my overally wellness...and i've upgraded from the YMCA to a very nice spa/gym.  I love it.

I figured I wanted to feel good and enjoy feeling good and strong...so why not? I'm worth it and besides, no more tuition payments deserves a little celebration...it's MORE ABOUT me!

:)