ANewMeOn5-17
The Beginning...
May 27, 2010
April 29, 2010
There are two reasons why I have decided to write down my journey – the first is because I am sure I will look back on this later. When I am feeling discouraged, I hope I will remember how tired I feel now. How unattractive I feel and how my lack of confidence in my appearance affects every part of my life. In addition to being extremely unhealthy, massive amounts of weight do not make my body look good. I look at myself in the mirror as little as possible and when I do, it is filled with enormous frustration, regret and sadness. I never in my life thought I would let myself get to almost 300 pounds. At this point I might already be at 300 pounds. I have reached the point of no return. I know that there is no way that I can maintain a diet plan long enough to lose over 150 pounds. And I also know that even if I lost 75 pounds, which is highly doubtful, I would gain it back again. My body has gone through so much yo-yo dieting it is just waiting for the fat to come back.
I am in the worst shape of my life. At 48 years old, simple walking should not make me huff and puff. Climbing a simple flight of stairs should not leave me breathless. I don’t know what it is like to sleep soundly. I know that I have sleep apnea and even that mouthpiece I am using to help keep me from snoring doesn’t completely help my situation. I tried using that machine for the sleep apnea but I just couldn’t sleep with it.
So I am writing this for myself because I want desperately to look back on this as I am going thru the process and remind myself why I did it. I know I will never forget feeling how I feel right now, but sometimes a jolt of memory brings it back hard and if that will help me get through the difficult moments of the surgery, then it will be a good thing.
But there is another reason why I am writing this. I really want to help those out there that are thinking of having the surgery and want more information. I remember going thru this website and looking at the pictures and reading the blogs. It was so helpful to me to read about someone else’s experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. I was starving for information and the people who wrote about their experiences were like food to my brain. I wish I could thank each and every one of them for taking the time to write their experiences but I imagine many of them were doing it as much for themselves as they were doing it for me, so I will return the karma and do the same.
If you are reading my blog know that I have already had the surgery. I didn’t want to post this until after the surgery. As I write this I am in anticipation of my surgery which is going to be May 17th. Today is exactly one week after I got the good news that my insurance approved my surgery. I had tried a few years before but they denied my request at the time. I actually took it as a sign to try once again to lose the weight on my own. And so I spent a fortune in yet another diet, which of course worked for a few months and then failed. I’ve been dieting and going on diets since I was a child. At the age of 11 I went on weight watchers with my mom. I have been battling this addiction my entire life. I’ve been dieting and losing and then gaining weight since that first weight watchers diet. But it wasn’t until I got pregnant that the real pounds started to settle on my body. At 155 pounds, I was already heavier than I wanted to be, and then I got pregnant. By the time I had my baby I was weighing 240 pounds. That’s an 85 pound weight gain.
I lost some of the weight pretty quickly, but I couldn’t get out of the 200 pound slump. My weight kept fluctuating from 210 to 220. I went to weight watchers and actually lost 25 pounds, but then put most of that weight back on. Then I want to Quick Weight Loss and followed their diet religiously for about 6 months. I got down to 144 pounds. I looked amazing and felt even better. But as soon as I tried to incorporate regular eating back into my diet my mind and body went crazy. I started eating food as if I was in a trance. I remember making chocolate chip cookies and eating them with whole milk. The pounds kept creeping up on my body and I just let it happen, I could not control the constant urge to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.
It makes me so sad to write this down and relive the utter frustration of seeing myself gain all the weight I had worked so hard to lose. But instead of trying to lose it again, I just let myself go and gain even more weight. I could not bring myself to follow another diet for more than a month before I would go back and start eating and eating and eating.
I am scared about changing the way my body processes food. I am scared about being poked inside and having my stomach stapled and my intestines rearranged. I’m scared about the risks of surgery. I’m scared about those moments after the surgery when the tube is in my mouth and it feels like I am choking. I am scared to death about trying to swallow food and feeling as if I will choke. I worry about taking little bites and chewing it over and over again as now I take huge bites and barely chew. I worry about losing my hair and not getting enough protein and vitamins. But I know that a lot of people have had this surgery and they have survived it. They look great, they feel great and they have learned a new way to eat. If they did it, I know I can too. It scares me MOST to continue to live carrying 300 pounds around. I want to roller skate with my son and get on roller coaster rides with him. I want to take him to an amusement park and walk until my feet hurt because we’ve been there for 5 hours, not because I’m 300 pounds and can’t carry my weight for more than 5 minutes. There’s so much I want. I can’t stand being 300 pounds and yet being invisible. People don’t look at you when you’re fat. They may glance if they have to, but look at you, really look at you, it’s as if you’re one of many unattractive people in the world that don’t matter.
So I am 2 ½ weeks away from my surgery. I’ve told my mom and my best friend. My mom has been very supportive throughout this entire ordeal even though I know she must be freaking out with worry. I wonder how much sleep she is actually getting these days. I wish there was a way I could take the worry away from her but being a mom as well, I understand there is nothing I can do. Until I am out of the hospital and recuperating nicely she will continue to worry. She will probably never stop worrying…
My best friend actually had weight loss surgery years ago. Hers is slightly different than mine but unfortunately, the Duo Switch, I think that’s what it’s called, is not done in many states. I don’t think there are any surgeons in
May 16, 2010
Today is the day before my surgery. I am so nervous and so much stuff is going on inside my head. I had wanted to make some notes sooner but never found the time. I am glad I have a few moments now to make sure I put some of this down for later and for anyone who might read this later on who is thinking about having the gastric bypass or going to have it at a future date. Today was a tough day. My son went with his father and I know he is upset about the surgery. He is too young to really understand it all and at first I thought he was going to be okay about it all. When I first told him, he seemed okay. But I think that when he saw his father bringing the bed downstairs so I don’t have to go up the stairs the first few days, I think it hit him. And then the realization that he won’t be seeing his mommy for a few days because she will be in the hospital… in any case, I know that when he left with his dad, he was trying not to cry and it breaks my heart. I hate thinking of him being sad. The thought of leaving this world and my son makes me sick with grief. But I believe that God would not have brought me to this point just to leave this world. I am not ready to leave this world yet, I know it. My son needs me, my mother needs me. I have a beautiful and wonderful family that I am not done loving and fighting with. I have a true best friend who actually came down here to take care of me even though she lives in
So today of all days, my a/c decides to stop working… in this
Today I have stayed home all day. Sweating like a pig in this heat but at least I am not outside. I washed some clothes and took a nice long shower. I had to bathe with this special soap they ask you to use the day before surgery. But I can wash my hair with any shampoo so I am all nice and clean and trying to stay as cool as possible. I think the anticipation has to be the worst part. I am terrified of waking up with tubes in my mouth. I’ve read the blogs about how horrible that is and spoke to a girl who told me to just remain calm. Even the nurse at the hospital told me the same thing when I registered. My friend says she doesn’t remember any of that. But she had the DS and maybe they sedate you more with that one. Because every blog I’ve read on the Gastric talks about those tubes and I am terrified about it.
I know I am going to be feeling some discomfort and I am ready for it, I just wish I could get it over with. Just close my eyes and have it be a month later. In any case, I will try and get to these notes sooner this time and talk about “THE OPERATION” and “THE TUBES” and all the after effects. For now I am going to read all the stuff from the doctor’s office and the hospital again and make sure I have everything ready.
May 26, 2010 – THANK GOD IT’S OVER!!!
It is now about a week and a half after my surgery. I have been home from the hospital for a week. Unfortunately, the power went out while I was in the hospital and my wireless router broke. So I have not been able to go up the stairs and use my internet computer until I was feeling better about climbing the stairs. On a positive note, I am feeling well. I am still sore and itchy but that’s because the wounds are starting to heal. I have to say that my surgery went without a hitch thank GOD. I am grateful to be alive and so very grateful to have had an uneventful surgery. I have spoken to people who had problems during and after the surgery and have read blogs about people having complications so I feel truly blessed to be one of the ones whose surgery went well.
I arrived at Palmetto at 6am on Monday 5/17 and didn’t have to wait very long to be taken into the pre-op room. My best friend Robin was with me the whole time. I put on a hospital gown which was too small – really – you go into Gastric Bypass surgery and they are still handing out small surgery gowns? Ridiculous. After asking for a bigger gown and having them flustering about and acting as if I had requested a pile of gold, they finally found one. It was cold in that room but I had been warned about that so I brought a big furry jacket and put it on me. Someone came by and took my blood and a little later someone else came by with warm heated blankets. Those felt really good. At around 8am, Dr. Sosa and his posse entered the pre-op like a rock star. The nurse station even announces it on the loudspeaker “Dr. Sosa is in the operating room, Dr. Sosa is in the operating room!” I expected to hear a bunch of screaming girls, but they hadn’t given me any drugs at that point…. J There was a man next to me who I will call my surgery buddy. Dr. Sosa looked into his room and then stepped back. I guess he wanted me to see him. He announced to the room that he had had a good breakfast and then said, “One hour”, to me and left. A little later they were wheeling my surgery buddy out of the room and one of Dr. Sosa’s posses told me Dr. Sosa would be ready for me in an hour. A little after 9am, I was wheeled into the surgery room. I remember them taking me out of the bed I was in and putting me on the surgery table. The next thing I remember was waking up with a tube in my mouth and certain that I could not breathe. I was strapped to a table by my hands and ankles and could not move. I started moving my head wildly in the hopes of getting someone’s attention and letting them know I could not breathe. The nurse looked at me and told me to calm down. I kept trying to indicate that I could not breathe and he finally said, “if you couldn’t breathe the vitals would indicate it. You are fine, just relax.” This did not help me in the least. I was sure I was going to die and the pain in my stomach was excruciating. I tried to tell myself that if I really could not breathe, I would have died already. That helped calm me down. If I hadn’t been in such pain, I might have been able to concentrate on trying to breathe, however the pain in my stomach was so terrible and the stress of not breathing was too great. It was the worst time of my life. I am assuming I was there for at least 3 hours and it was 3 hours of pure agony. I was given absolutely nothing for the pain while the tube was in my mouth and the tube was not removed for quite a while. The first thing I said when the tube was removed was “PAIN”. The nurse gave me a shot in my thigh that he said would take care of my pain. It did absolutely nothing for my pain. I was begging for something stronger but they would not listen. Finally after I don’t know how much time had passed, the nurse came back and gave me another shot in my other thigh. This was a big deal, he told me. Most patients aren’t allowed to get another shot, but he had asked the doctor and the doctor kindly granted my wish. At this point, I was wheeled out of the agony room and into my room where I had been reassured they would give me something stronger for my pain. My mother and best friend were waiting for me. When they saw the look on my face they freaked out. I kept begging for something for the pain. Whatever drugs they were giving me were having absolutely no effect on me. The nurse in my room must have never dealt with a patient who is suffering from pain. She seemed bothered by the fact that I didn’t want to get right up out of my bed and WALK IMMEDIATELY after having had surgery!! Imagine that!! My mother and friend would not let the nurse make me get up. My friend insisted I was given something stronger for the pain. The nurse wrote Dr. Sosa’s number a piece of paper and told my friend to call him. Dr. Sosa told my friend he would not give me anything else for the pain and I asked to speak to him. I told him I was in excruciating pain and begged him to give me something stronger. He told me that all of his patients received the same treatment and that I would be given something stronger in 4 hours when I was due for the next shot. He suggested I think of how I was going to deal with my pain. I guess he thought I was bored. After all, I had nothing else to do, so why not take some time and think about how to deal with this bone crushing, gut splitting pain. Very generous of him to suggest that. There was no compassion in his voice. It sounded like a recorded message he made for all of his patients. I was in too much pain to try and reason with a stone wall so I just lay there in agony and waited for the next shot of mercy. In the meantime, I think I did get up and walk but I don’t remember. What I do remember is that the next shot of pain medication was stronger than whatever they had given me in the agony room and I fell finally into a fitfull sleep. When I woke up, my mother and BFF were looking at me with looks of love and worry. I told them I was better and I was. The pain was still horrible, but nothing like it had been. I was not allowed to eat or drink a drop of anything until the good doctor deemed it allowable. My mouth was a dry desert so they gave me a swab that I wrapped around my mouth. It helped a little. I also washed my mouth with water – NO SWALLOWING!!! And that helped as well. I kept walking around the hospital floor as much as I could stand to do so. And of course, those shots for the pain helped. By the time it was nighttime, I was doing better and when I woke up on Tuesday morning I was still uncomfortable, but the pain was manageable. They took me to x-ray and made me stand on a machine. Then a man came up to me and handed me a cup full of thick white liquid. My first drink after surgery. He told me I had to drink all of it so he could take pictures and after I drank that one, I had to drink another one. WHAT? Maybe he didn’t know I was a gastric bypass patient. I explained. He shook his head, “everyone says the same thing, you have to drink it all”. What’s up with the everyone? Does everyone look like me, sound like me, feel like me? Why is everyone at this hospital including the doctor calling me everyone? I started drinking the foul liquid and thought I was going to throw up. “I’m going to throw up”, I tell the nodding man. “Everyone says that”, says the man… nodding. “Keep drinking”. I had to stop for a few minutes and dig deep inside of me because the thought of throwing up that foul liquid was more disgusting than drinking it. I finished it and there he was, the nodding man, with another cup full of more white liquid. This one wasn’t as thick as the first one. I started drinking. When I was about ¾ finished he told me I could stop. He took some pictures, left the room and I started walking around the room, burping out the foul taste. When the nodding man came back, he said I could go back to my room so I was wheeled back to my bed. Everything must have looked okay because the new nurse told me that I could start drinking liquids. They brought in some chicken broth which tasted like piss (at least what piss smells like cause I’ve never actually tasted piss). But the jello and apple juice were okay. Water went down like a big lump so I avoided too much of that the first day. I was so happy to be okay, with no complications or leaks or any other nightmare I had read or heard about. That night, I watched LOST on my little TV set while my BFF watched it on hers. I fell asleep as soon as it was over but I did get up in the middle of the night. Everytime I went to the bathroom, I walked the hospital floor. I know how important the walking is so I was paranoid about doing it as much as possible. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Wednesday morning they took out my IV’s and Dr. Sosa came in to my room for 15 seconds. My mother asked him if I was ready to go home and he said that all of his patients go home on the third day. I guess I graduated from “everyone” to “all”. Great. I left late that afternoon. At Palmetto, it seems that if you walk in for an operation, you can walk right out. So if you don’t ask for a wheelchair, don’t expect one to be waiting for you. My surgery buddy walked out without one, but I felt too weak to go all the way to the lobby on my own. They put me in a wheelchair that was too small and had nowhere for me to rest my feet. So I left the hospital with my feet dangling and asking the man who was pushing it to please be careful because my foot got caught in the wheel twice. It was really, really, nice to finally get home.
As I said, I have been home for a week and I am doing very well. I had my first doctor’s visit and nutritionist visit on Monday. The nutritionist told me I could start eating liquid solids. This means pudding and some Gerber Stage 2 fruit packs. Also chocolate popsicles and pudding, yum. I can also add potatoes and pumpkin to my soup as long as it’s all passed thru the blender. I am so excited at having solids after a week of liquids! The first taste of chocolate pudding tasted better than the finest chocolate mousse at the best French restaurant. It was pure heaven. At my doctor’s visit, Dr. Sosa walked in for 10 seconds and then informed me that the nurse would remove my stitches. But when the nurse went to remove them, she told me that mine didn’t need to be removed, they would just wash off as I bathed. Very cool. As far as the swelling goes, I have to say that I have not had a problem with anything going down. I started by sipping very small sips but am now sipping a bit larger sips. I just make sure I don’t take more than one sip of anything without waiting for it to go entirely down. It’s important to remember that your new stomach gets full a lot faster so you have to wait and see if you still want to swallow some more liquid. I started taking the liquid protein Wednesday night when I got home from the hospital. It tastes horrible but I swallow it like medicine and chase it down with a sip of apple juice so I don’t have to actually taste it. I know it’s important to take it and that it mends your insides so I try not to think about the taste.
The only thing I haven’t done yet is drive, but that is tomorrow’s project. My mom has been taking my son to school and picking him up. My BFF left on Monday and mom has been staying with me but I think after today I will be able to manage on my own. I am feeling pretty much like myself only a little slower and more tired. I guess it’s because of all the surgery but I do get tired a lot more quickly and need to sleep more than I did before. Other than that, I am really doing well and so happy to have gotten over the worse parts. The anticipation was nerve wracking but the actual agony of the agony room was much worse than I imagined. I am so glad I am over that and can move forward. I don’t wish that pain on anyone and strongly recommend that you find out if all doctors put their patients thru the same recovery. If they don’t, I advise you to find a doctor that doesn’t make you suffer for hours the way I did. It was really bad and I am not exaggerating. I have been thru a C-Section where I took nothing, absolutely nothing for the pain after surgery and that was a walk in the park with ice cream compared to this. Please do your homework and ask your doctors what happens directly after the operation during the recovery period. If it is a standard practice to keep the patient awake and make them think they cannot breathe while they deal with a feeling of pain like your guts are ripping apart and your back is going to break then be prepared for it. However, if you find a doctor that does not find it necessary to make you go thru that then my advice is to go with that doctor. I am grateful my surgery went well but this isn’t a surgery that only one doctor knows how to perform. Fortunately, there are many Bariatric Surgeons in
