Ashley A.

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I havent been posting at all...I really don't know why just have been lazy I guess. I have been working 40+ hours a week so I've been exhausted. I get on the board everyday just reading and seeing what interesting is going on. I'm starting to get frustrated because I'm stuck at 419 which puts me at 36 lbs lost to date...I cant seem to lose anymore than that. Yes..I know it has only be a month and a half since the surgery I'm just getting so disouraged. I have no restriction at all even though she put 4cc's in my band. I have been beginning to workout but every time I do I'm so sore the next so then I don't want to workout again for awhile. I constantly have to deal with my mom bitching at me for being fat...Did you workout today? What did you eat? You really need to start  working out when you aren't working? Thats how it is all day everyday. I talk to my mom about once a day and she manages to fit all of those questions into a 5 minute conversation. Its just crazy! I think I don't post here because if people actually read this they will think I'm a huge bitch or something and I dont want to come across like that. I really just ot on here to complain. lol. Which isn't good. Anywho, I got back to the doctors on the 2nd...so I hope I get a nice sized fill because I can't be doing this. I'm starving all the time..its like I don't even have the band in me. I know this is supposed to be hard but when does it get easier?  The emotional breakdowns have stopped though, which is good. I don't really know what was causing them. Anyways...I think I'm done for the night. I'm going to try to get back in the habit of write on here.

xoxo

I went to the surgeons today and attempted to get my first fill..it was probably the worst experience of my life. She kept sticking me with the huge needle until she finally decided that she couldn't get it. I was so uncomfortable...she had me holding my head up and then had a girl that weighed less than my two legs together holding my legs up. Everytime that needle went in it was like a sharp stabing pain shooting through my body. I was already upset going into the office because my mom and I got  lost...so I just had a breakdown. The surgeon apologized but at the same time she was kinda rude because I didn't tell her to stop...everytime she would go in she said she almost had it. I'm terrified to go tomorrow now but at least it will be with the fluro...Other than that horrific experience..life has been good. I have lost 33 lbs to date and still counting..

I haven't posted in awhile I have just been exhausted lately. I went back to work on Tuesday and it wasn't half bad. Everyone was super nice and I didn't have to take any calls which was amazing! I forgot how much 10 hour days wore me out. I get my first fill on the 6th. I really hope insurance covers it because money is tight right now. I haven't even paid the deductible yet for my surgery.

I didn't eat as bad on Christmas as I thought. I really couldn't with my mom watching every bite I take. She drives me crazy, she barely knows anything about the surgery and she has just been giving me a hard time. She always talks about my weight like everyone else in my family. They act like I don't know I'm overweight. It just drives me looney. My family has always been very judgemental though. I did however actually lose 3 lbs. I am now down to 424 which is better than what I expected this soon. Of course, more would be better but we can't all be lucky.  I started working out a little bit, crunches on my living room floor was a bad idea. My back is definitely feeling it now. lol. Sitting down  all day everyday doesn't help much either.  So while I was at work, I was talking to this girl Jen. that got gastric bypass last November and has already lost 150 lbs. I told her the story how my surgeon was trying to talk me out of the surgery 10 minutes before and that I said that my mom would kill me if I changed it at the last minute and then once I got to recovery I told my mom what had happened and she said oh well you should have just got the bypass! She said aww, I had a feeling you would regret it! I was like what the hell? I didn't say that of course but it just caught me off gaurd. Apparently, she definitely isn't a supporter of the band. I guess she just doesn't think it will work for me since she was at a high weight like me. You never know until you try it though. I just need to not let people get me down as much as I normally do. I just let people walk all over me. I have been so emotional since I got my surgery. I really don't think I can blame it on my period anymore. Its just a constant state of depression and emotional breakdowns. I'm done writing for tonight...goodnight!

Sorry I'm completely bored.!!!!!  My apartment is going to be inspected tomorrow just to make sure everything is good to go for winter...so it is now 4:37 am and I just got done scrubbing the bathroom...since they are mainly checking water lines. My apt is normally always spotless but for some reason I wanted it super clean..so now I am sweating like crazy. I put my ipod on and it was all over. I got an awesome workout. I just need to start cleaning to get a workout because it was basically like doing an hour cardio class..I feel so motivated now. I decided to walk the trash down and I didnt realize it was POURING down rain. It felt so great! I love hearing the rain and being in it. I even stood out there for a minute just so I could cool off..as soon as I got in I realized that my Ipod was soaked..luckily it has a case so I'm not too worried about it. I didn't weight myself. I'm trying not to weigh myself everyday because they say its not good for you so I'm going to try to go every few days. My friend always says he weighs himself everyday just in case he gained a pound then he can be mad at himself and not do bad on his diet again...I told him he needed help. I honestly want to be losing inches rather than pounds. I always hear people complain about how they are losing inches but not lbs....Perfect Example-I lost 100 lbs by myself before but not that many inches and I was so upset. Then a few years ago I lost about 60 lbs by myself and lost a ton of inches and looked and felt great. then I started hanging out with my long time best friend again and got huge..Panera Bread-3x a week=BAD!!!! It was my senior year of high school so I just didn't care for some reason, and I was working at LB so big girls rule there!!! I started looking into WLS technically in 8th grade when I weighed 356 lbs but that was before the band was popular and my mom didn't even have insurance...so I started losing weight by myself. I got down to about 289 and I really started looking a lot better, then my senior year came and I bloomed to about 320ish and then a couple years later I eventually was at my heaviest weight ever which was 455...I used to joke around and say if I ever reach 400 I'm going to kill myself...I know its a horrible joke but I just can't believe I let myself gain this much weight, and I never thought it would come to this, working in a call center 50 hours a week doesn't help you to lose weight either. Everyone has their ups and downs-some days I'm happy about my weight, other days I just cry and think how disgusting I am. I was so comfortable with myself for about a year though. I think that may have also contributed to my weight gain. I worked at LB-Lane Bryant so everyone was heavy. I was so comfortable with everyone that worked there and they loved being big girls! Needless to say, I won't need to buy clothes for about the first year I lose weight. I have so many clothes from there from 18/20-26/28..some even have the tags on them so I'm pretty much set...Ok...this is really long...I'm sorry for anyonethats actually going through the pain of reading this. I just like letting my feelings out in writing so why not publicy post them..hehe..and I realized that none of this really has to do about rain..sorry! So thats pretty much my story about my weight struggles...Until next time...Gnite!

I finally put some horrible...before pics up. I am now down 27 pounds just in 2 weeks which is good but you can't tell it at all. I just can't wait until I hit the 50 pound mark and people will start to notice. I haven't been feeling very great these past few days..I don't know if its my diet or what but it has sucked. Well I'm tired..its 4 am, I will write more tomorrow. Gnite!

Ok..so lately I have been feeling super depressed.  I honestly don't know why. I did keep my promise I made in my last post and went out yesterday.  I walked around the mall..didn't buy anything but I always love to look...and then was dragged to the movies. Luckily they had the seats where the arm rests go up, so my thighs weren't getting dug into. I can't wait until the day I don't have to worry about breaking a chair or not fitting before I sit down, it will be great! I'm going to take some before pics tomorrow so I can see how disgusting I really am..lol. I have to make fun of myself every now and then. I just want some updated pics because I dont really have any since I have been trying to avoid cameras for a couple years now. Anyways..I was talking to my mom the other day and she told me something really neat. She works with a woman whose husband had WLS and got his excess skin removed for free a couple months ago as long as you donate it for burn victims. It was Shriners a hospital in Cincy..I definitely will have to have her get more info for me. That would be so wonderful for everyone that has to deal with excess skin. I'm hoping since I'm younger and will be hitting the gym again soon I won't have to deal with that much excess skin. It won't be for a year or so until I would have to worry about anything so we shall see then.

I'm seriously on the verge of a breakdown. I'm still very uncomfortable with this incision thats been bothering me. I did call to get my short term disability extended so I  will probably not be going back to work until the week of Christmas. I have been extremely hungry today and its getting to me. I have been lashing out on people...it is close to that time of the month as well, so I'm usually a little emotional and hungry....I just don't know whats going on with me anymore. I'm making a promise to myself that I will get out of the house tomorrow for at least half the day...I just need to get away from everything at the moment. I'm really thankful for this site...I don't know where I would be without it. I weighed in today and I actually gained a pound. I'm so upset with myself. I ate like crap yesterday...yes I know it was my birthday but thats no excuse. I need to get my butt in gear and back on track...I can't beleive I'm doing this bad this soon. I don't get my first fill until Jan. 6th which isn't even a promise because I may not be able to get off work. I'm done complaining for the day...Thanks!

Today is my 20th birthday so only being a week or so post op I couldn't really eat so I attempted to eat like half of a sub from subway...it was pretty good but I didn't quite chew the bread very well and all of sudden...shortness of breath...blackening out a bit...wheezing..bread was stuck..I seriously thought I was gonna die..I tried walking around with my hands up over my head to get it down but it wasn't happening so I just made myself throw up. Luckily it came up right away it was the far down yet. I was so scared. My sister was about to call 911..Thank god she didn't. I have lost 5 lbs so far this week ,that should be pretty good for my challenge weigh-in tomorrow. I have still been having pain on the one incision so I may call tomorro to try to get some more time off work....because its really hurting, I haven't worked out anymore this week because of it. I'm thinking I worked out a little too soon anyways.

So I exercised a little bit yesterday. I thought I was going to die afterwards. I did turbo jam so its kinda like taebo so its super intense...I could only do it for about a half hour. I'm feeling pretty good today except this one incision is driving me crazy. It hurts so bad when I'm sitting up, so I have to kinda lie back so its not getting so much pressue onto it. I hope its better by Tuesday when I have to go back to work since I sit down all day.  I know its not from exercising yesterday because it hurt after I got home from my appt. I joined a challenge on Weighins.com I'm super excited. I really think thats what I need to get fully motivated. I havent been eating much but I have been getting a lot of cravings. Tomorrow is my 20th birthday so I'm gonna have to have the strength not to eat cake or anything. Sweets are definitely going to be the biggest challenge during all of this. I used to have something sweet every night. Which is what led to my drastic weight gain. I'm gonna try to go back to the gym in a couple of weeks. I'm not ready to go back just yet. Everyone there knows me from when I was down to about 250 and now im 200 lbs more than that. I guess in a way I'm just kinda embarrassed because I failed....but I know I will succeed this time.

I met with the surgeon today for my post op appt..I have lost 20 lbs already...yippee!!!! I have a lot to lose so I'm hoping I start dropping pretty quickly. I know 20 lbs in a weeks time isn't normally typical. I definitely don't have any restriction at all yet so I have to basically starve myself until the first week of January when I can get my first fill. We will see how that goes. I go back to work next Tuesday which is good because I'm going crazy from being stuck in this house...I was hoping to maybe get off until after Christmas but I wasn't that lucky. Other than that the surgeon said everything went great and looked well. I'm going to try to do some exercises today. I don't want to over do it though.