candoit09

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8/21/09
i know some time has passed. like a good friend i know this site is always here for me. i am feeling blue today. work today was stressful, more changes. not sure if the changes are good or not. i am feeling angry, dissappointed, blue, and controlled. this job used to fun and enjoyable. my heart and soul have died in the job. the people are so not authentic, don't take ownership of their mistakes. the job has changed so, so much since i first got into it. i am grateful i have a job, yet, my heart and soul are not enjoying it. i have to put a mask on, and i not being authentic. i cannot be myself. there is too much politics in the job. i am trying to trust that my higher power is not going to keep there for forever, but i have to learn something yet before i change or am to work elsewhere. i also today, got into the comparison crap with other people's lives. i realize and know that each of us is on our own journey in life. other people do not have as much to grateful for as i do, and others' have struggles. i am so tired of struggling in life. i want more good in my life. i want to have a job i can enjoy and smile everyday and enjoy what i do. yet, i am not seeing what it is, or know exactly what it is. i am praying for an answer. i am trying to turn that over and trust that God knows what i need, and he will take care of me. i want to know when i can take a deep breath and relax and feel comfortable and not have to worry to such in my life??? When is it when i can receive some serenity and peace and not have to worry so much? i am having a moment of pity and i know, i am being a victom right now, but i need to get this out of my system. i know enough not to settle. i also know that food is not going to cure my feelings. so i have enough to keep me busy today.

i keep learning that this disease is just that, a disease. no matter how i try and be "normal" i will never be. it's like trying to fit a circle into a square, it will never be. learning to finally except it is truly difficult. especially with my medical condition, it is very difficult to get "past" it and finally except it. i was this week being the "victom" again, and there is no more room for playing the victom role. i know if i keep playing that role, that my life will truly have passed me by and i have never truly enjoyed anything. losing relationships especially when you think they are beginning are difficult. trying to hide something was not the smartest thing to do. it brought more embarassment and pain more than anything. he also played a role in not truly speaking his truth also. perhaps we were both trying to fool ourselves. i was thinking he was liking me for me and he was just getting his rock off. next time i will have to believe there will be a next time with someone who truly will be more suited for  me and closer. working on self alone is very very difficult. i have faced so many fears this week that i am emotionally exhausted. i dont' know how to go out and socialize and meet other people in the community and just relax and believe that someone will be attracted to me and i to them, and accept each other as we are. i was afraid to step on the scale last week. i did it and i am proud to say i am down. i have not gain, i am down. so perhaps having this loss turned out to be a good thing. so, facing things i don't want to face...pushing thru that fear is just what i keep needing to do. sweeping it under the rug does no good. so i must truly let go of you Ron O. i truly hope u find what you are seeking. i know it is not me.

End of month already...i can take my inventory of things i have not done. believe me the list will be very long, and in my head i keep thinking that a hammer is not a tool. I have not faced the scale since i had been to the dr's office last. I carry my shame and guilt very well. I am even getting very emotional now about really thinking and writing about it. I know i have not been exercising, my eating habits have been off scale, but what good is it going to do re-living all that shame?  On the upside i have done some very good things; i have really stopped at times and thought about my food. I have accomplished a couple of my financial goals. Things i have been needing to get done, and they are done. Work has been a very big stressor, but i have been holding my head high and pushing through all that old junk and just taking moment at a time. My goal is not to wallow in the victom role. That has not been an option, nor will continue. I can show myself and them that I am able to handle anything they throw at me and not let my emotions be in the for-front.  I have been going to my meetings, and sharing all my guilt and shame. I am greatful that i have them, those people mean the world to me in those meetings, i do not feel so alone in this disease. I had to call and share with someone what happened this weekend. This man i had been seeing came to visit me this weekend. I kept a secret from him that I have this sleeping disorder. Perhaps in my own sick thinking in my head i can get away with it. Well it didn't work that way. He expressed to me that he heard me...he stated that I snored loudly.  I lied to him, told him i wasn't aware.
All of the ridule i had received from my mother flooded my head. the feeling of shame and guilt.  The feeling of not being normal, not good enough, not feeling feminine.  Feeling like i am going to be judged and he will go away.  So i think he will never call me again, and not tell me why.., so my behavior is to push him away, hide and reject is easier, because, he will reject me anyway. In a way i feel i don't deserve to be in an adult relationship. All of my life, I have watched everyone else get that part. Good things like that don't happen to me. I am so used to not getting the good part. I dont' feel deserving. No one has ever in my life made me feel I deserved the good things.  I have struggled for every little thing in my life. I have pushed and sabotaged good relationships in my life because i didn' want them to know. I didn't want them to reject me.  Growing up and taking care of my own needs is difficult, especially when i comes to parents. I can no longer please them, nor will I ever no matter what I do. Realizing that and actually doing it are 2 different things. Not eating or binging over them is most difficult. Feels like a growing pain. 
I have set boundaries with parents, and no matter what, it is very difficult.
I now have to do the next right thing. i have to let go of this shame, guilt and victome baggage today. I will ask God to help if it is according to his will and do the next best thing. I have to pray and know that even it he doesn't call or contact me that I still have me, and my life is not wrapped around this relationship. there is more to life than this. I can depend on me. I have a moment now to change this moment into a good one. Not to reflect on "what if?"
So my plan is to listen to good music today, exercise, and draw and make at least 1 contact on my list to move forward i a healthy direction. 
thanks for this website.
 

Here i am already 9 days into the month and i have not stepped on that scale.  I fear that i have failed again. Been into the food again when i know, i should not be. I am falling back into patterns in know i need to avoid. I think i can eat like a normal person, when I know i can't  I know the things i should have been doing, like measuring and exercising.  Seems all so simple. I got a good feeling when my clothes were fitting a little looser,  I lost some of my humility. Today i got back on the band wagon....so to speak. I cannot  lay in self pity again. That is what brought me to This depth of despair i hate feeling. I fell into the victim role again which i absolutely hate again. I am learning to self love myself.  Had a wonderful date with Bill this past week.  Feeling anxious because i have not heard a word from him since Saturday nite.  I have this feeling that i have done something wrong...like got into conversations that were too deep,,,smothered...asked too many things.  There is a part of me that believe this is all false. He is too much of a gentleman to be true. Too polite, to caring and I just have doubts that eight i deserve someone like him or someone like him still exists out there like that.  I am so trying to push through my fears. I did exercise tonite, paid bills and cleaned some around the house. read some of my new book. I would feel better knowing if he just wanted to keep dating me? am I good enough for someone like him?  I did feel shame in his impromptu visit in my house...was not in the order i wished i would have like it.  I did shed some tears tonite,,,i hope they are all in vain.  In my new book "Discover your Destiny" he states "COURAGE IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF FEAR BUT THE WILLINGNESS TO WALK THROUGH YOUR FEAR IN PURSUIT OF A GOAL THAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU"..."REMEMBER, ON THE OTHER SDE OF YOUR FEARS YOU WILL DISCOVER YOUR FORTUNE"... just before that he spoke of letting go. Suffering cracks us open, forcing us to let go and surrender all that we have known and clung to,...
I need to let go of the fact that God knows what he is doing. If Bill never calls me back...it wasn't meant to be.  I have to accept that and let it go. Trust there will  be someone else along the way...someone better. Perhaps this was to distract me and make sure that i still need to care for myself and not lose sight of that. So i am prepared to take better care of myself this week and remained focused and I will step on that scale this week (Sunday) and continue my path.  Let God take care of my social life.