candoit09
i keep learning
May 02, 2009
i keep learning that this disease is just that, a disease. no matter how i try and be "normal" i will never be. it's like trying to fit a circle into a square, it will never be. learning to finally except it is truly difficult. especially with my medical condition, it is very difficult to get "past" it and finally except it. i was this week being the "victom" again, and there is no more room for playing the victom role. i know if i keep playing that role, that my life will truly have passed me by and i have never truly enjoyed anything. losing relationships especially when you think they are beginning are difficult. trying to hide something was not the smartest thing to do. it brought more embarassment and pain more than anything. he also played a role in not truly speaking his truth also. perhaps we were both trying to fool ourselves. i was thinking he was liking me for me and he was just getting his rock off. next time i will have to believe there will be a next time with someone who truly will be more suited for me and closer. working on self alone is very very difficult. i have faced so many fears this week that i am emotionally exhausted. i dont' know how to go out and socialize and meet other people in the community and just relax and believe that someone will be attracted to me and i to them, and accept each other as we are. i was afraid to step on the scale last week. i did it and i am proud to say i am down. i have not gain, i am down. so perhaps having this loss turned out to be a good thing. so, facing things i don't want to face...pushing thru that fear is just what i keep needing to do. sweeping it under the rug does no good. so i must truly let go of you Ron O. i truly hope u find what you are seeking. i know it is not me.