March 09

Mar 09, 2009

Here i am already 9 days into the month and i have not stepped on that scale.  I fear that i have failed again. Been into the food again when i know, i should not be. I am falling back into patterns in know i need to avoid. I think i can eat like a normal person, when I know i can't  I know the things i should have been doing, like measuring and exercising.  Seems all so simple. I got a good feeling when my clothes were fitting a little looser,  I lost some of my humility. Today i got back on the band wagon....so to speak. I cannot  lay in self pity again. That is what brought me to This depth of despair i hate feeling. I fell into the victim role again which i absolutely hate again. I am learning to self love myself.  Had a wonderful date with Bill this past week.  Feeling anxious because i have not heard a word from him since Saturday nite.  I have this feeling that i have done something wrong...like got into conversations that were too deep,,,smothered...asked too many things.  There is a part of me that believe this is all false. He is too much of a gentleman to be true. Too polite, to caring and I just have doubts that eight i deserve someone like him or someone like him still exists out there like that.  I am so trying to push through my fears. I did exercise tonite, paid bills and cleaned some around the house. read some of my new book. I would feel better knowing if he just wanted to keep dating me? am I good enough for someone like him?  I did feel shame in his impromptu visit in my house...was not in the order i wished i would have like it.  I did shed some tears tonite,,,i hope they are all in vain.  In my new book "Discover your Destiny" he states "COURAGE IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF FEAR BUT THE WILLINGNESS TO WALK THROUGH YOUR FEAR IN PURSUIT OF A GOAL THAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU"..."REMEMBER, ON THE OTHER SDE OF YOUR FEARS YOU WILL DISCOVER YOUR FORTUNE"... just before that he spoke of letting go. Suffering cracks us open, forcing us to let go and surrender all that we have known and clung to,...
I need to let go of the fact that God knows what he is doing. If Bill never calls me back...it wasn't meant to be.  I have to accept that and let it go. Trust there will  be someone else along the way...someone better. Perhaps this was to distract me and make sure that i still need to care for myself and not lose sight of that. So i am prepared to take better care of myself this week and remained focused and I will step on that scale this week (Sunday) and continue my path.  Let God take care of my social life.

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