April end

Apr 25, 2009

End of month already...i can take my inventory of things i have not done. believe me the list will be very long, and in my head i keep thinking that a hammer is not a tool. I have not faced the scale since i had been to the dr's office last. I carry my shame and guilt very well. I am even getting very emotional now about really thinking and writing about it. I know i have not been exercising, my eating habits have been off scale, but what good is it going to do re-living all that shame?  On the upside i have done some very good things; i have really stopped at times and thought about my food. I have accomplished a couple of my financial goals. Things i have been needing to get done, and they are done. Work has been a very big stressor, but i have been holding my head high and pushing through all that old junk and just taking moment at a time. My goal is not to wallow in the victom role. That has not been an option, nor will continue. I can show myself and them that I am able to handle anything they throw at me and not let my emotions be in the for-front.  I have been going to my meetings, and sharing all my guilt and shame. I am greatful that i have them, those people mean the world to me in those meetings, i do not feel so alone in this disease. I had to call and share with someone what happened this weekend. This man i had been seeing came to visit me this weekend. I kept a secret from him that I have this sleeping disorder. Perhaps in my own sick thinking in my head i can get away with it. Well it didn't work that way. He expressed to me that he heard me...he stated that I snored loudly.  I lied to him, told him i wasn't aware.
All of the ridule i had received from my mother flooded my head. the feeling of shame and guilt.  The feeling of not being normal, not good enough, not feeling feminine.  Feeling like i am going to be judged and he will go away.  So i think he will never call me again, and not tell me why.., so my behavior is to push him away, hide and reject is easier, because, he will reject me anyway. In a way i feel i don't deserve to be in an adult relationship. All of my life, I have watched everyone else get that part. Good things like that don't happen to me. I am so used to not getting the good part. I dont' feel deserving. No one has ever in my life made me feel I deserved the good things.  I have struggled for every little thing in my life. I have pushed and sabotaged good relationships in my life because i didn' want them to know. I didn't want them to reject me.  Growing up and taking care of my own needs is difficult, especially when i comes to parents. I can no longer please them, nor will I ever no matter what I do. Realizing that and actually doing it are 2 different things. Not eating or binging over them is most difficult. Feels like a growing pain. 
I have set boundaries with parents, and no matter what, it is very difficult.
I now have to do the next right thing. i have to let go of this shame, guilt and victome baggage today. I will ask God to help if it is according to his will and do the next best thing. I have to pray and know that even it he doesn't call or contact me that I still have me, and my life is not wrapped around this relationship. there is more to life than this. I can depend on me. I have a moment now to change this moment into a good one. Not to reflect on "what if?"
So my plan is to listen to good music today, exercise, and draw and make at least 1 contact on my list to move forward i a healthy direction. 
thanks for this website.
 

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