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 1 pkg. SF/FF banana cream pudding
 1  1/2 pkg of unjury vanilla protein powder (could use two)
2 cups almond milk

Almond milk does not normally set up instant pudding, so I decided to freeze them.  Here's the creation

Mixing it up.

 

My little pudding cups:

 

Frozen result: soooo freaking yummy:

 

 I knew that I put up a lot of walls and sheltered myself inside.  I didn’t like reaching out to meet other people, because having been judged and mistreated in the past, including by those that I called my friends.  My weight was also a way to make sure I went unnoticed, so that I didn’t have to put myself out there and possibly open myself up to be hurt.

But I have noticed that the more I go down in weight and sizes, the more open I am becoming to social gatherings.  I still feel a little nervous, and I know that part of my social awkwardness comes from shutting myself off for so long.  I am even doing it professionally, and have noticed that I am getting some successful results.  I will have two internships this fall, the one I am currently working at for OC Self Help Center and the clinic at school.  I will also be the student volunteer coordinator for the LPJH volunteers.  I am really proud of myself.  A year or two ago I would not have even applied.  It took all of my strength to do the one volunteer opportunity I did, but I wanted at least something to do out in the “real world”.  Now I am applying for a third internship in LA County this coming Spring.  It’s amazing how much more comfortable I am feeling now.  The interview makes me nervous, but nowhere near as nervous as it used to.  I don’t feel as bad about it as I used to.  I spent so much time worrying about what I looked like, whether I could fit in the chair, and if I would be breathing heavily if I climbed stairs to get up to the interview.  Things that should not be important or foremost in my mind when applying for an internship that is going to further my future. 

Socially I am getting better as well.  I went to my first support group meeting at my doctor’s office.  It was part success and part failure.  I felt as if I almost needed to apologize for being successful to the other vets that were not.  But speaking to the newbies was quite fun, and I enjoyed the experience immensely.  I did explain that the results are not typical, and that you have to remember that the surgery is a tool.  Docs operate on our stomachs, not our minds.  It needs to be taken care by US.  I felt that I had made a difference.  I hope that I did.  

I also went to my first OH meetup since I started coming on the site.  It was a blast!  I met some great people, and made some new friends.  I also tried on and fit into a pair of size 8s!!!  It was so much fun to get them on and share that accomplishment with people who get it!  But I really made an effort to be more social.  I am sure I was still awkward.  I have a bad habit of talking about everything in an effort to fill the silence.  I get afraid still I have found.  However I am trying, and the effort to try has made me proud of myself.  I am thankful that I went – the people were simply amazing.  It was like meeting old friends. J

I think I am going to take another step forward.  I am going to go to the OH conference in Georgia this October.  I spoke to my husband and he said that it was a great idea.  I am happy to have such a great supporter ;).  But I will be buying my tickets at the end of August.  I have also decided that I am going to do the fashion show.  I can’t wait.  I am nervous, but I think it will be fun to get out there and shake it lol.  Just walk down the runway and feel like a million bucks.  Yep, that’s the plan.  I hope lol.

My new life is coming together well – the more I rock my sleeve, the more my life ROCKS!!!!

More Food Porn.  This is probably going to be a regular post of mine.  

Feeds four:
2 eggs
4tbsp milk (I only had 2% so that's what I used)
1 oz leftover grilled salmon
2 slices bacon crumbled up
1/8 cp chopped red pepper, green pepper and onions
1 oz shredded cheddar cheese

Make like scrambled eggs.  OMFG - this was so freaking delicious.  I was so happy to have this in my mouth.  lol.  I am really enjoying finding new recipes, even using my leftovers.  There was enough to make four servings, which I packaged up to save for the week.  
  

   I am really enjoying experimenting and making new recipes to see how they go.  Tonight I made three.  We were grilling out and I wanted to take advantage of the grill.  I have wrapped up the meals for the next couple of days. 

Shrimp Kabobs!!
 

Grilled Onion & Garlic Salmon

 

Grilled Zucchini BLT Boats!!  So freaky yummy

 

Ok, that will be it for a while.  

   I had a good time experimenting with recipes today on my day off.  So I thought that I would share my results.  More food porn!  

First:  Dinner was Marinara Turkey Meatloaf
 

Then I tried Eggface's Egg muffins: Yummy!

 

Next I decided to try to make Sugar Free Meringue Cookies.  
First batch I made was a Choco-PB2.  Didn't turn out with as much flavor as I would like :(

 

The next one I made MINT~  my favorite flavor in everything now!

 
 

Baked them all together:

 

And here we go - the end results!!

 

The cookies are 3-4 calories apeice and 1g protein.  And a great way to spice up my diet.  

I am two weeks out from surgery today.  I am also four and a half weeks from when I began the pre-op diet and realized this surgery was a reality, not just an idea.  I am down 27lbs, but not any clothing sizes.  My belly is still sore around the big incision site, and basically still swollen in general.  No pants are comfy, even soft stretchy ones.  I have resorted to wearing the soft stretchies down under my stomach (which I hate and it’s irritating) as it is the least uncomfortable way to get through the day.  As soon as I get home from classes every night, the pants come off, the bra comes off and I just breathe.  Usually I wear my longer t-shirt nightgowns just to be comfy.  I can’t wait for the soreness to subside and to be back in regular clothes.

I have had some problems since I got home.  The first night home I over did it.  I was still riding the pain pump meds and so on the way home we stopped at the pharmacy and the grocery store.  We then went home and I took a walk.  I was so anxious to get this going and get it started on the right foot that I actually did more damage than good.  Within an hour of starting to relax I realized I was having chills and a fever.  I felt terrible.  When I called my doctor he said to rest, I had really overdone it and that to keep an eye on the fever.  I was to lay down, sip my water and try to relax.  Lol… oops, my bad.  So that’s what I did.  By the end of the night, after a good long nap, the fever was gone and I was feeling much better. 

I returned to school the Monday following surgery, and then Tuesday was my post-op.  I had gone into surgery at 200lbs, but came out at 206 due to the water weight.  I was back down to 199 at post op.  Doctor was incredibly happy with my progess.  Percentage wise I was 12% down of my total overweight amount.  I was so happy, I could cry. 

Last Friday however, was a bad day.  I noticed a pain in my lower right back.  By Saturday it was so bad that I couldn’t walk upright normally for any length of time.  I was in pain and called the surgeon.  I told him I didn’t think it was surgical related, but wanted to start with them just in case.  I had long ago had a kidney infection (more than 10 years) and this pain was reminiscent of that.  But I wanted to check.  He agreed that it was more than likely not due to the surgery and to head to ER to be checked for kidney problems.  I left my cell phone at home, but later regretted that.  He had said that if they gave me any problems to call him, and I wish I had. 

The ER doctor was a jackass, and that is putting it nicely.  He had blinders on that the pain was due to surgery, even after a member of my doctor’s surgical team came in to check on me and told the ER doc that was NOT it.  He then made it seem like I was a drug abuser.  I had told him that I was off my pain meds by the post op appointment on Tuesday, and that the pain did not feel related to the surgical site, and that I also had not taken ANY pain meds on Fri or Sat as I did not know what would happen when I could finally get to ER.  Twice the jerk asked me “So, when did you run out of your pain meds from surgery?”  I was insulted to say the least.  The first time he said that I calmly explained to him that I had NOT run out, and in fact had about 2/3 of the bottle left of the liquid pain meds and had not taken them since Tuesday.  The second time (hours later) he said it, I was mad.  I told him he must not be listening cuz I had already explained to him I still had meds at home.  He didn’t seem to listen or care.  The CT scan he did was not of my kidneys, but of my belly and following the surgery site through my bowels.  What the hell.  To add insult to injury, he asked me if I wanted him to run further labs on the urine samples I gave him.  Well of course I wanted him to do his job.  Why ask me, you know how!  When they finally discharged me, I was so pissed to see that he wrote the diagnosis as abdominal pain.  Idiot.  I did not have abdominal pain, I had lower back pain.  After wasting 8 hours of my time and my sleep (we left at 7am), I was livid, tired, and just plain upset.  He had offered me no help to the situation, and basically dismissed it.  I left feeling as though he treated me like a drug seeking liar.  When I called my pcp the next business day, I was told I couldn’t be seen to the end of the week.  The ER doc had prescribed vicodin in pill form, and while she couldn’t change it to the liquid, she okayed me to go back to the liquid I got after surgery.  Also, she couldn’t see where he had actually run the cultures on my labs to see if I was having kidney problems.

I see my pcp on Friday.  I am pissed that we made the extra drive to the hospital’s ER where I had the surgery performed instead of going to the closer one up the street.  We made the drive to avoid this problem, a short sighted doctor not wanting to look for any other problems other than my surgery.  And I doubt that I would have been treated as a drug seeker somewhere else.

Today I am still on the pain meds, and I try to last as long as I can throughout the day without taking them.  I can’t afford to be slow-minded in class, one of the reasons I don’t care for meds in general.  Plus, when I study, pain meds make me forget everything, there is no real retention.  Law school demands retention, and I feel myself falling behind already. 

Here’s to hoping that things look up and my pcp gets to the root of the problem on Friday. 

 List of Things I want to look forward to after surgery:

 

 

1. Rollercoasters!!!  Omg… I love them.  I have been on a couple in the past decade or so – but each fun experience has been marred by my weight.  It’s incredibly hard to fit in the seat, and then if the belt doesn’t strap right, or the bar doesn’t come down, or the overhead restraint squishes but doesn’t seem closed… ugh – just terrible.  And my worst time: Sitting on any amusement park ride with my kids and the bar that is supposed to go across both of us doesn’t fit…

2. Tying my shoes.  I don’t.  Not on a regular basis anyways.  I usually tie them once and then leave them that way until they become untied on their own.  It make me out of breath to try and tie my shoes.

3. Shoes in general.  I can’t wait for my feet to be smaller.  They are just blocks right now.  So if I buy a larger size to accommodate the width and depth – the length is way off.  And if the shoe zips, I am out of breath and sweating my ass off after trying to get one on.

4. Sweating for exercise – and not for EVERYTHING.  I swear, I can’t get ready for a decent night out without sweating through the prep period.  Doing my hair and makeup is an adventure.  I then get dressed.  Because of the sweating, I wear an extra-extra strength anti-perspirant and deodorant.

5. Flying.  I hated not fitting in the seat.  I just barely could buckle the buckle, but the looks I would get from people sitting next to me.  And when I flew overseas, omg, that was a nightmare.  That long with the seat arm digging into me, I thought I was going to be sick.  Needless to say, I got no sleep and was more jet lagged than ever. 

6. Playing with my kids.  My son has vague memories of me chasing him around the yard during one of my many crash diet low weights.  My daughter doesn’t have any.  She tells people that this surgery will mean her mommy can play with her again.  I hope so.

7. Shopping.  I have enough clothes in bins to keep me for a while.  At least down two sizes, and maybe another.  But I can’t wait to get into the even lower sizes and go shopping.  Being short and overweight, I am shaped like a pear.  Not top – all over mess from the chest down.   It didn’t seem fair that I could be overweight and never seem to get the bigger breasts.  Lol.  No plus size tops fit me well.  Shopping leaves me depressed and agitated.  Dresses are a misery, but don’t get me started on the suits!

8. Swimwear.  I hate it… absolutely hate it.  I know it may be a very long time before I like it again, and I tell you… that’s fine with me.  It may be possible that I will always hate it.   But if I could at least learn to be comfortable at the pool, that will be enough.

9. Rollerskating.  I enjoy taking my daughter skating.  But once around the rink and I am out of breath.  And gods forbid if I fall.  I want to go for a couple of hours with my little girl and have just as much fun as she is!

10.  Chairs.  I don’t know if this has happened to someone else recently, but I broke a fricking plastic lawn chair.  It might not have been so bad if we hadn’t been at a place with at least 100 other people.  My kids and fiancé were there.  I was mortified for myself and felt like crying.  But I was also mortified that my fiancé and kids had to share in my embarrassment.

11.  Public Seating.  Pretty much anywhere.  I always have the problem of my feet hitting the floor wherever, but when the weight of my own legs cuts off circulation, that just makes it worse.  Not to mention the fact that I barely fit into the chairs width wise.

12. My beach bike.  I bought that thing cuz we moved here to Cali and I love the beaches.  But after getting on it and seeing what my size did to the tires, I haven’t used it much at all. 

13. NO more funny/nasty looks or name-calling.  One of my worst memories was sitting at a hair wrapping booth at an amusement park.  A couple of jerks walked by making animal calls and noises.  It was humiliating.  The hair dresser even snickered.  I didn’t tip her.

 

I guess this is it for now, the dirty baker’s dozen of what I hope is in my future.  My near (more than ever) future.