greensleeved

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Big dinner at strip club tonight for Peter's birthday. Ate some of my first carbs. A tater tot, pimento cheese, fried scallions, followed by strip steak, collards and mushrooms. Special occasion. Not too worried since I usually undereat my goal for most days. Was able to enjoy the atmosphere. 

Therapist says to journal if only a few lines. Don't like that my face is looking wrinkled without the extra fat. My clothes are all too big and I don't know what to do. I can't' buy a new wardrobe for every size between here and goal. I feel scrawny, but I'm still obese. My hands look like little baby hands that can;t do anything. Weird negative feelings about something I should be happy about.

My in laws were here for Labor Day and my husband's birthday. They are dear people and I love them, but they drive me insane. I didn't tell them about the surgery but was going to in person. So when they saw me I thought they would comment on the 45  lb weight loss (I mean, it's noticeable at this point), but they never did. So I didn't bring it up because we had to have some other difficult talks with them (about their health, etc.) and I didn't want to add to it. I used to have good relationship with my MIL but it's gotten awkward over the past few years. I think she may be going deaf and won't admit it, and it's negatively impacting our communication.

So I spent the weekend pretending to eat food. I am a 44 year old woman with a child, husband, Ph.D., full time job, and all that other grown up stuff. Why the hell am I play acting? So awkward and uncomfortable. Now I'm not sure I want to tell them at all, but I can't keep eating weird stuff and almost no food with them, when they visit (I cook the big meals). In order to look "normal" I had to take a few extra bites I didn't want or need and was uncomfortable for a while. I am usually have a very upfront nature. I think this surgery is messing with my sense of identity.

Why are ding dang human relationships so flipping hard 

Don't want to go into the gory details, but what a bad day. At home, and DEFINITELY at work. Feeling down.

Went out of town with a bunch of old friends who party pretty hard and are all ex-restaurant people so they are into food and wine, etc. I obviously didn't drink but I grazed a lot on new foods and had a few carbs (nuts/raisins, one bite of potato and one bite of cake). And I don't feel too bad about it. It's a rare thing for me, and I am much more concerned about keeping my daily activities under control. Should I be worried that I'm not worried? I don't plan to totally eliminate carbs and sugar on special occasions. Is that realistic? I am still consuming MANY fewer calories than in the past. Is there some reason not eating only protein would derail my weight loss?

39 lbs down, 82 lbs to goal. That's almost 1/3 of the way there. It's great, but it seems unreal, and in some ways it feels too fast. I don't know if I am ready to be a non-obese person yet. I never in a million years thought I would feel that way, but I do. I still huff and puff up the stairs, still can't stand pictures of myself, and I'm starting to feel like a deflated balloon. I had a bad day at work today so I am probably projecting. It's just been a tough one.

Really emotional today, like on the verge of tears for no reason. I think it's the hormone dump because my TOM is over. I found myself looking at my (now thinner) arm and leg yesterday and thinking, "Hey, something is missing." As if by losing weight I am losing part of myself. Had anyone else sort of had to grieve the loss of your fat self? I liked my fat self. It's weird.

I am a college professor so I go back to work in about a week and a half and I have some anxiety about that. I'm not really sure why because the job is fun and low pressure. I'm generally not happy with my life and I am worrying too much, and now that I can't drown my anxiety in some wine and chips and dip I have to deal with it. I have a wonderful family, home and job, none of which I appreciate the way I should. Aside from being mindful of acknowledging the positives in my life what do I do? Ride it out? Hope these feelings go away? I think I'll be in a better frame of mind once I start working again and my weight loss (and thus hormone deluge) slow down. Sometimes too much summer time off is not a good thing. I really don't want to get back on anti-anxiety meds because I hated the way they made me feel. I had my second session with my new therapist the other day and I am so glad I am doing that. 

It's a good thing I am about to go back to work because I am spending WAY too much time on this site. It's great, has been very helpful, but it's getting a bit obsessive. I am tired of being a WLS patient. I just want to focus on something else for a while. 

And I keep reading posts where people say they don't plan to follow their doctor's orders. Insane. And then they wonder why things aren't "working." Why would someone do that? Obviously taking charge ourselves didn't lead to healthy habits, so why would we do what we want instead of following the plan. Doesn't make any sense.

At 3 1/2 weeks post op I still have no energy. Ran some errands for about 2 hrs and I could use a nap. When, when, when will I start to feel normal! I have to go back to teaching in 2 weeks and I won't be able to function like this. Off full liquids and on to mushies on Friday so hopefully that will help. I'm getting 70 grams of protein and at least 64 oz of liquids every day, but still so sleepy!

My incisions have just started to hurt too. Didn't bother me for 3 weeks and now they sort of sting. And there are weird stabby, stinging pains in random places across my abdomen. So weird.

I've had no taste for anything. My mouth doesn't enjoy food anymore. I am SO looking forward to some refried beans on Thursday but I'm afraid I won't like them. I haven't liked any of the different things I've tried to satisfy my taste buds. I don't know whether to be more scared of wanting the wrong foods or too much food - or never enjoying food again. Not fun. Scale is making me feel good though