greensleeved

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So in preparation for my surgery in 3 weeks I have been eating more healthy foods, and I usually tend to do that in the summer anyway. And I've been exercising more than usual (which is NONE) and that makes my appetite go away. But today I thought "I have only a few days of freedom left!" and got a bunch of junk at the store and Taco Bell for lunch. I can't believe it but it is DISGUSTING! I threw away some of the Taco Bell and I may throw away these chips too. They taste awful. I've been concerned that I will always crave junk, but this gives me hope! Yeah!

My new eating disorder specialist counselor is not a fan of surgery. I am scheduled for the sleeve in a month and am now so confused. She thinks that regain is what will happen since I have "issues" with restriction. So confused. Do I give counseling and healthy living another shot without surgery or do I jump in and do the surgery knowing that I haven't been able to do it on my own for 13 yrs. Agh.

Have my first appointment with a counselor specializing in eating disorders today. I am self-pay so my counseling is self imposed and not required by my insurance company. I REALLY hope it gives me some tools to use my upcoming sleeve wisely. I've been seeing so many stories on OH about people having trouble with regain and head hunger and backsliding that it's really scary. I just want to be free from the hold that food has over me. All I can do it take advantage of the things I can control in the moment. How have other people who have been successful stayed motivated years and years after surgery? 

I got a Brylane Home catalog in the mail today. (The home furnishings catalog from Lane Bryant).  It has furniture and household goods for larger people (chairs that can accommodate 350 lbs. etc) and I thought, "Nope, that will never be me again." I'm writing down all the little things I can think of pre-op so I can look at them post-op in the "what have I done" stage that everybody talks about. Focusing on the positive and the future!

So this is not my first blog post. I had an account here and have found OH very helpful in terms of preparing for my July 10th VSG. When I created the account I used my real name, and I was convinced I was going to be very open about my surgery and tell everyone - friends, family, coworkers. The only exception is that I was going to tell my parents after the fact. But as my surgery gets closer and seems more real I am surprised that I am having second thoughts.  I am not sure I want everyone to know. My own hangup is that I am afraid someone who knew me when I was thin and never knew I gained weight will find out that I had to have surgery. I googled myself and got upset when I saw my OH posts. That's f***ed up! Since when have I really cared about what other people think?  As a self-pay patient I didn't have to have a pre-op psych eval but I've contacted a therapist anyway and start going next week to "get my mind right" (as my funny husband would say). Doing my best to keep focused on the positive result!