greensleeved

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This is my first bout of PMS since being sleeved and it is not good. I am SO irritable, still on liquids for another 6 days, and my tummy feels strange. I can't figure out if it's gas or heartburn or just that I'm not done healing. But I just don't feel good and I'm tired of feeling this way.

I'm starting to freak out about my decision. I keep reading about regain and how people with the sleeve have heartburn complications. Did I do all of this - undergo a painful surgery, long recovery and spend our savings (self-pay) for nothing?  We could have bought a much needed new car!  It makes me want to cry. I had heartburn prior to surgery and it was well controlled with 20 mg of Omeprazole. Now it feels like it's back even with the same med. Apparently some people have their heartburn get better and some have it get much worse. I did this to be healthier, not to get esophageal cancer.

Then last night I had what I thought was a good heart to heart with my husband (we have communication issues) and told him I needed him to be more sensitive, like throwing away his trash and picking up after himself.  I woke up to find (you guessed it) TRASH on our coffee table. Then he ordered a pizza for himself and our daughter for dinner. Grrrrrrrrrrr. Feeling discouraged.

As I sit here 2 weeks post op, sick of liquids, sick of feeling weird, sick of wanting real food, I just had a moment of clarity in my perspective that reminded me why I did this to myself. Everyone talks about body image, but few people get down to the nitty gritty of what it means to be 100+ lbs overweight. These are just some of the indignities of obesity.

I just put on underwear after showering and realized they are from the same pack I bought a few months ago. When I tried to wear them then they rolled down my stomach's inner tube and settled on my thighs. They were the biggest size the store had and they were too small. I had to walk around one day basically commando because they kept sliding. And since when does underwear come in "packs" anyway? Where are the cute, well-made, flattering panties over a size 20? Maybe Lane Bryant. But if you are not just plus sized but morbidly obese you had better just settle for something that doesn't end up around your ankles. And once you size out of Lane Bryant - forget it. You don't exist. Your ass becomes something to hide under yards of white cotton or infantile prints with cartoon puppies. Ever seen a size 32 thong? Or even granny panties with some black lace? Me either.

So the bathroom thing. How many times have I been in a public bathroom where I could not adequately wipe myself because the damn stall was too narrow? Who designs those torture chambers anyway? Obviously it's a skinny man who never has had to SIT on a toilet, because if he had he wouldn't put the steel box for feminine products right at hip level. So much fun getting poked by that shit! I'm going to design a female centric women's bathroom and make billions of dollars. And forget trying to get a Summer's Eve wipe under your apron of a stomach to get rid of the crotch odor that seems to linger even immediately after a shower. I've also got obesity related incontinence, the worst case of which resulted in my pulling over on the side of the highway because I couldn't make it to the exit, falling because my thighs weren't strong enough to squat, and then peeing on my own long skirt. Because hippie skirts are all you wear when you have 60" hips.

I've had to fly twice this year. And if you are obese you know that every leg of the flight is a new horror. Asking for a seat-belt extender (should I do it right inside the cabin or push the light for the flight attendant once I sit down?) Traveling alone is the worst. At least with someone you know you can lean on them, but sitting next to a stranger? Is my thigh touching his thigh? Are the backs of my arms crowding her? Sitting with muscles clenched for 3 hrs so you don't offend and paying for it in with a bad back later that day. Hitting every passenger's elbow because you are too wide for the aisle on the way to the dollhouse bathroom.

So if anyone wants to tell me I should have tried harder on my own, or that surgery is the easy way out, I will tell them I've already had the hard way. The hard way is being morbidly obese (teetering on the edge of "super morbidly obese,"(the last and final category of obesity beyond which there is just no man's land). And despite people's perceptions there is nothing jolly, or even sanitary, about it. Maybe surgery is the "easy" way. But the easy way is the healthy way. Because being obese is the hardest fucking thing I've ever done. But I'm killing this disease and taking control of my life.  The world is not set up to accommodate larger people; it capitalizes on every square inch of profit and fat people are the detritus that gets caught in the crossfire. Part of me feels I am deserting the cause by losing weight through VSG, but I plan to be healthy and continue to advocate that obese people be treated humanely and with compassion. Suit up people. This is war.

I am so ready to be done with FIVE weeks of liquids. Tomorrow ends week four and marks my two week surgiversary. I'm really starting to see how this is a lifelong journey and it freaks me out a little bit. I just want things to be back to "normal" or at least a new normal. I still feel like a patient and have bruises, fatigue, shoulder pain, funny feeling my my tummy - oh yeah, and I can't eat anything! I know this stage only lasts a short while and that it is the stage in which I will lose the most weight most quickly, but man I am so ready feel normal.

I've lost 26 lbs and I can see it! My clothes are looser and in some picture we took yesterday my face looks thinner! I can't believe it. Oh happy day! I am starting to feel like my old self again. 

I also think I am hormone dumping. I'm pretty emotional, not necessarily in the bad angry PMS way but more like the weeping pregnancy way. And I have a huge acne cyst on my chin which is definitely hormonal even though it isn't my time of the month.  But do I care much? NO, because I already have more energy and look better. Let them dump. Let them all dump 

I never thought I would be so happy to go back to protein shakes. I haven't been able to shake this weakness since surgery so I am really looking forward to getting in some protein. And in this stage I can have thinned out yogurt! And SF/FF pudding! OMG. I can't have mushies for another two weeks but I went today and got some refried beans, lowfat cheddar, canned ham and crab and lite mayo. My head may explode when I can actually eat them.

But since the start of this process I have lost 20 lbs. In THREE weeks! Totally worth it.

Had my VSG exactly one week ago today and I am down 3.2 lbs.  Very disappointing.  I should be happy with any loss, but given that I have taken such drastic measures it's hard not to expect more drastic results.  Full sugar liquids must be the culprit. My doc suggested them for the first week just to help get over the trauma of surgery, but as of today no more sugar. I will attempt to stay off the scale this week and try again next week. 

I am SOOOOOO ready to have some full liquids! I miss my pre-op protein shakes. The clear liquids only make me really tired so after tomorrow I hope to have more energy. And the idea of yogurt! Oh boy. I had my first real exercise today (about 45 minutes of VERY slow recumbent bike), and that helped perk me up a bit.

Getting more excited about eating healthy. Looked into joining our soon-to-be opened grocery co-op today and plan to join. I went super-crunchy when I had my daughter and shopped at the co-op in the town we lived in then. Bought a lot of organic, sustainable and locally sourced stuff and I am feeling some of that commitment returning. Why the hell was I eating Cheetoes for so many years? Gross.

Haven't been on the scale since I first got home from surgery (when I hadn't lost a pound yet), but I will probably try it tomorrow or the next day. I'm really hoping to see some loss. I think I can tell that I seem less puffy just looking at myself but it's hard to be certain.  Anyway, all good today except for the boredom, but with a bit more energy I am sure I can start getting out of the house more!

I know I shouldn't even be weighing myself five days post op, but I just can't help it. And I KNOW I shouldn't be comparing myself to others, but I am an impatient idiot so I'm doing it anyway.

I was on full liquids two weeks pre op and have been on clear liquids for five days post op and have lost NO WEIGHT except the 10 lbs I lost the first week. I know it will come off, but I am still swollen and in a bit of pain and freaked out about what I have done to my body (was it really so bad being fat? okay, yes. But it's hard to remember). So seeing some positive result would go a long way toward helping my state of mind right now. I am a teacher so I am off for the summer and don't have work to keep me busy. I don't feel physically up to doing much (cleaning the house or going places), plus it is 95 degrees in the shade here. I have isolated myself to the point that I don't have a lot of good friends in my "new" (5 yrs) town, and I have friends out of town close by but am too tired to visit. And what would we do? Go out for a beer???

I read posts here from people who are freaking out about a one week stall or who are mad because they "only" lost 20 lbs the first month (TWENTY LBS!) and I thought to myself, "These people need to calm down and realize it is SO early in the process" and now I AM one of those people! 

Mantra for the day, "It's a marathon, not a sprint.. It's a marathon, not a sprint." Repeat as necessary.

Feeling better but still a little weirded out by the whole process. I don't really feel pain - just .... weirdness. Hard to explain. Getting the liquids in is HARD but today I've had 24 oz already and it's only 2:45 pm (I didn't wake up till 10). So yeah for me since I only had 30 oz yesterday total. On so many meds (antibiotic, anti-gas, nausea, pain - which may be only an anti-inflammatory) it's hard to keep track!

Despite everyone's suggestions not to I got on the scale yesterday when I got home and had not lost any weight, but I didn't gain a bunch from the IV liquids either. I am sort of forgetting that there will be a positive end to this and I will be healthier and look better, so as usual the OH before and after pics are very helpful. It's looking a little brighter around here 

I have never been so happy to be home in my life! Some bumps along the way. Thought I was going to DIE yesterday! Man surgery is painful. Anyone who thinks this is the easy way out needs a smack in the head. I really wish i hadn't had to travel to Mexico. I hate flying and usually get nauseated on planes, buses, cars, vans, and sure enough I have felt AWFUl the whole time. Add to that my severe sensitivity to smells and the fact that everyone in the hospital and airplane wears cologne like it's going out of style and it has been hellish.

Flight from San Antonio to Atlanta was okay, but flight from Atlanta home was CANCELLED! I was furious/upset. Said "F this" and rented a car to drive home. Came home to a giant tree limb down in our driveway and a dead chicken. Overall things could have gone much more smoothly but I don't care because I am HOME!!! And my daughter will be here tonight. We have missed her so much while she's been staying at her grandparents'.

Finally getting some fluids in - estimate about 40 oz today. Not the 64 I should have but MUCh more than the 10 or 12 I had yesterday. Overall  things are looking up. Thinking of my surgery buddies this week and hope you all are hanging in there. I still feel awful today, but at least I feel somewhat human.