Jennifer A.

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I finally got my date!! I knew it was coming because I received an email from Dr Hahn earlier today saying that he finally reviewed my case and was giving Nancy the go ahead to schedule. HOWEVER, I was not expecting it to be so soon! My pre-op is December 30th with surgery happening January 4th!!! OMG I'm slightly freaking out! hahaha. Now I have SOOO much to do in little time!!!!

So patience is NOT my forte!!! Still waiting for that call. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't constantly on my mind...........

I really hate this waiting business. If I had previous/current health issues I could understand why it takes a little while for the surgeon to look over and approve my file but I don't. Nothing. Everything so far has gone great. I even got rave reviews from both the NUT and psychs. I guess I should be relieved he is so thorough but...UGH....!!! I was really hoping, wishing and praying I'd have my date soon. The earlier the date in January, the more likely I won't have to come back between Christmas break (we shut down here Dec.20-Jan.3) and surgery. Ok so it has only been 5 days. People have been telling me all along that, once I hit goal, I need to call the scheduler (Nancy) every couple of days. Well after yesterday, I decided I'm not going to do that. I called her yesterday, left a message and then forgot about it. Later in the day my cell rang showing her #. For a brief moment I thought, "This is it! I'm getting my date." Well...No. She just called to tell me that I didn't need to keep calling in and that it could take a few weeks to hear anything. She gave me a whole huge explanation of how things work but I stopped listening. I was already having a bad day so at this point I just felt completely stupid. I had a little pity party and I went home and stuffed my face. Smart right?! Hell no! I feel somewhat better today. It will happen when it happens. At this point I need to keep pushing myself because a gain would be disasterous. It isn't like I don't have a million other things in my life to worry about. I still have alot of surgery related things to get in order too. It would just be nice to know an exact date. (Sigh......)

Hopefully my next post will be all about my surgery date!??

Well I did it!! I hit goal last Saturday morning and went straight to Kaiser to get it documented. I talked to the person that schedules the surgery yesterday and she said my file is now on my surgeon's desk!! It is so surreal. I was starting to feel as if this was NEVER going to happen!! I will update as soon as I hear something. My nerves have really started to kick in but I'm equally excited.

My surgical goal is 310. Thursday morning (Thanksgiving), I was at 312!!! I really was at a loss that day. I wasn't sure if I should just skip Thanksgiving and try to get weighed in on Friday, or just enjoy the day. Well after much mental debate, I enjoyed the day....and the next day and the day after that!! Leftovers are killer!! So after 3 days of drinking tons of soda (always diet), turkey and bread (I actually did skip the pie), I assessed the damage. In just 3 days I went from 312 to 325!!! WTF!!! Unless I really did consume almost 50,000 calories in those few days, I'm assuming a majority of it is water. Still...ugh!!! I am so freaking close it hurts. I've done everything, even the chest x-ray and EKG! Anyway, as of this morning I am back down to 319 (after some really strict dieting). I'm going to continue this special diet I am on and see where I am at Friday morning. Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to weigh in and call Nancy!!!

In the mean time I realised that, as of today, I can officially say I am having surgery next month!!!  That thought is crazy to me!!!!! I am going to start shopping for the things I can get in advance such as: canned soups, sf jello, unflavored protein etc...) I already bought myself a cool little blender for Christmas (I bought it AND wrapped it! lol). I need a few other things too. As long as I hit goal by Friday I will be able to get surgery at the beginning of January!!

I DID IT!!! Somehow I finally did what I needed to do, lost 16 pounds in a little over a week and completed my final appointment! Now I just have to lose the last 4 pounds so that I can get a date. I'm really going to push to get it done BEFORE Thanksgiving so I can relax a little and have a nice holiday with my family. Not TOO much though. This has been so hard, I can't stand the thought of undoing my progress now. I really have to get on the ball though and not allow myself to lag. If I want my early January date, I have to get this done ASAP!

So, I have approximately 2 weeks to lose 12 pounds. I REFUSE to fail again because this will have been the fifth time I've rescheduled. I've been doing my best to stay between 1,200 and 1,600 calories, drink tons of water and get some activity in. The other day I was down 2.4 pounds. This morning, however, I was up 4!!!! UGH! I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm so completely stuck. What do I have to do?? Stop eating?? I'm really battling with feeling like I'm stuck here. I will never get surgery because I'm forever destined to be 322 pounds.

I've been on the LiveStrong.com website all morning. It's really given me alot of ideas. I think I focus too heavily on calories, and not nearly enough on exercise. Time to make a new plan. I'm about ready to give up.


** Just to add a little update. Have you ever just known one of those nasty, rotten people?!!? As if I wasn't already feeling low enough. My sister and I were discussing age via Facebook when I mentioned that I get told ALOT that I look really young. People are shocked when I tell them I'm 34. I don't get a whole lot of compliments so I was really cherishing that one. It's the little things right?! Well then she makes a comment that, one of the benefits of being fat is looking younger. She posted this towards me on another family members page! Needless to say, I deleted everything I posted and literally had to fight the tears. I don't know I've been so emotional lately.  My sister weighs 400+ pounds and has always been completely comfortable with her weight. At one point she was looking into WLS too until she found out she'd have to lose 100 pounds first. Whatever.....

I know that alot of people will agree with me when I say that taking pics right now (pre-op) is the worst!! It is something that I dread and avoid at all costs. Maybe that's wrong of me because, Lord knows, I was completely delusional for the longest time about how big I truly was! Anyway, here is my story: 

Last week I won a prize at work. It involved spinning a big wheel and having your picture taken. The thought made me sick to my stomach all day! Anyway, I posed for one pic thinking, how bad could it be?? The answer is the WORST! Normally they take these pics, make a cute little flier and post it on the break room bulletin board. At least no one would see it right?? WRONG. After several people came in yesterday morning, congratulating me on my win, I decided to venture to the break room and see my little picture. So, first, I head to bulletin board #1....nothing. Bulletin board #2....nothing. Whats up?? I see movement in the corner of my eye. So i turn to look at the massive tv mounted on the wall. A collage of current events is playing over and over again. Low a behold, there are my damn pics. Not just the one I posed for, but another that I didn't know she took. OMG.......That stupid thing plays 24/7 for all to see. I'm sure plenty got their laughs. I know I'm big, but to see it on display made me sick to my stomach. It pretty much ruined my day. On a good note though, I'm saving those pics to my computer as before pics! Thank goodness I'm getting this surgery or I'd feel a thousand times worse!

Where am I with that anyway? I'm about 70% on track. its been really hard because I'm still working 6 days a week/10-13hrs a day. I'm always exhausted! Always on the run so my food choices aren't the greatest all the time. Diet soda is again my best friend (after I had pretty much quit). Next week I'm going to really buckle down. Start the protein shakes for breakfast AGAIN. Start writing everything down AGAIN. Start my vitamins AGAIN. Start walking and doing Wii fit AGAIN. I really miss doing my Just Dance for Wii....I will have to start back on that too! I honestly think all of the above would help with my stress and fatigue levels. I just have to commit to doing it and stop just talking about it!

It just occurred to me last night that surgery could very well only be 3 1/2 months away! May seem like a long time to some, but not to me. I should know my date before Christmas!

I've been doing so much better food wise. I was concerned because, this time of year, I work 6 days a week (12+hour days). Normally I resort to fast food for dinner (everyday) and eating junk & sugar just to keep my energy up. So far that hasn't been the case at all. Don't get me wrong, between working a gazillion hours, housework, kids, football practice & games (my 14 yr old son), chorus practice & recitals (my 10 yr old daughter), homework etc....I am absolutely exhausted. I feel great though. The weight is creeping off. I was so happy to be able to call my Dr's weight track line and let them know I within 4 pounds of surgical goal! I still can't schedule my final psych until November because of work, but at least they know I am still completely on track.

This weekend, on my one day off, I am going to to go major grocery shopping. I'm going to revamp not only my diet, but my kids also. I'm pretty sure I'm going back to protein shakes for breakfast. It was simple to prepare, I was losing like crazy and I actually wasn't hungry until lunchtime.

I'm getting really excited about surgery again. Just to not be stuck in size 26 jeans anymore!!! Being able to shop in normal stores is going to be awesome too. I know its going to be hard, but I am beyond ready for the change.

Now.....my goal for this week is to start walking while at work. Even if its just 15 minutes to start. Sitting on my butt (desk job) for 12 hours a day couldn't be helping anything. I'll figure something out.

It has been awhile since I have written. After coming to the conclusion that surgery wouldn't be happening until January 2011, I tried desperately to stay focused. I was in denial at first, making loads of excuses but truth be told, I was extremely disapointed and quickily let all my healthy new habits go to waste. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get myself back to that frame of mind that helped me lose 35 pounds in just 2 months. 

So I started gaining little by little. I replaced my 100oz of water with diet soda and started eating fast food whenever I felt like it. Actually, I was back to the point of not denying myself anything. My days of walking everyday and Wii fit...history. For a little while I would still weigh in, telling myself a couple of pounds was ok, but then guilt tripping myself anyway. Then I just avoided the scale all together.

At a work meeting, I sat there dwelling on the fact that everyone looked so comfortable, but the chair was killing me. The arm rests were digging into me, so I had to sit on the very edge of the chair, which was killer on my back. My almost 15 year old son just started playing football. I haven't gone to any of his practices because I'm afraid people will stare.  I didn' go to my 10 year old daughter's Back to School night either for the same reason. I used to take great pride in clothes, makeup, hair etc (even being overweight), but I haven't in a long time. I honestly figure, "What is the point?"

I think the turning point was finding out last week that my mom has breast cancer. Hearing the news was devastating. She is the closest person to me. I cried for two days straight. It really got me thinking though, about life. I don't want to waste it anymore, and that is exactly what I've been doing.

Another major thing that changed my view on things was my 12 year old son Matthew. He is also overweight and has high cholesterol. His situtation is made worse by the fact that he has a brain tumor. Anyway, he was picking up on my healthier habits (back in April/May) including walking and using the Wii fit for an hour a day. When I started slacking, so did he. I found out from his grandma (who handles all of his medical care since I work full time) that the Dr was shocked at how improved his cholesterol had gotten. He told her the results were astounding and wanted to know what Matthew had been doing. That was a couple of months ago but she just told me maybe a couple of weeks ago. It made me feel like crap because we both know his results arent going to be so great at this rate. I'm not only letting myself down, but my children too. 

I sat down and had a heart to heart with myself, trying to figure things out. I am once again excited about surgery! I'm back to drinking my water and skipping fast food. A week or so ago I was back up to 330 from 310...scary! I'm back down to 324 which means I have about a month or so to lose 9 pounds.  

This weekend I'm going to make myself some mini-goals. Starting next week I will be working 6 days a week (10+ hours a day) until November. I need to find a way to incorporate excersise into my work schedule. I can do this! I do not want to be this pathetic, lonely person anymore!!!!