just4Dee

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It has been some time since I have been on the site. 

A lot has happend, some good and not so good... 

I am about 2 years 8 months post surgery and guess what I finally faced my first gain. I am SO SCARED... I need to work on the negative talk. I am telling myself that I suck and I knew this would happen etc... I need to face the facts and move forward and start today to make tomorrow better. 

I never thought I could eat a full sandwich again and I can. I never thought I would get hunger pains again and I do. 

I am going to do the pouch test to kinda reset myself and my thinking. 

Most of my issues are all mental... My thoughts are my biggest problem, I body shame or just plan ole sham myself for falling off track. Hello I am who I am and God made me this way, no one said I was going to have it easy all over. My cross for the most part to carry is my weight issues... I pray that I will find a friend to share the struggles with that understands what I am feeling and help me figure out my journey as I help them. 

Ok I could go on forever but I will end it here... I am saying for the first time that I messed up since surgery and gained weight... Time to push, crawl, cry forward ;)

It has been a while since I have blogged.

Not much going on with me, slowly losing. I am down 36 pounds and in two days I will be 8 weeks post op.

in 2 weeks I get my knee repaired and I will hopefully be fixed for a while... When one thing goes it all goes, lol....

I am one month out from my wls and the last few days I am scared. I am scared of messing this up...

I am getting smaller and that is scary in its own way too. I tried to explain to my husband how it feels and he doesn't get it, because he has never deal with this type of weight issue in his life.

My security and excuse blanket is falling away from me and pretty soon it will be just me standing there in front of the mirror.

People are starting to see my loss and only 5 people in my life know I had the surgery, everyone else just thinks I am changing my eating habbits etc.. Which I have been so they are not suprised I am losing and I am doing 95% fantastic with temptaion.

My one manager is telling me all the time how great I look and even noted that I was wearing a necklace (which I don't do often) I said well now I don't feel like I am choaking and she just looked at me funny. I said I would rarley wear necklaces becuase I felt they were too tight around my neck and she made some kind of comment and just made me feel wierd. It is hard to explian things like that to people who have no clue what is like not to be able to clasp a 18" chain around your neck without it feeling like a choaker.

My other manager is trying to be supportive, but he just can't he makes jokes and when I ask him not to eat pizza infront of me, it makes him do it all the more.

This kind of stuff is why I am not sharing my journey with them. You never know what will be said to you.

This weekend will be the first time in about 5 weeks that I seen my friends that I grew up with. We are celebrating a friends birthday and I am not looking forward to it.

I am not worried about the food or going out, it is my friends. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't share what my surgery was for etc... They know I have had fertility problems and several procedures to help (which didn't), so I am keeping it in the girlie issue reason.  But she got upset and took it away from me and made it about her, that hurts. And my one friend that I have known for about 37 years, has yet to text, call, email me to see how things went. The last time I heard from her she sent me a message 2 days before surgery about items I bought from her at one of her parties.   I am not looking for them to baby me, just show care and respect that I need to do this privately right now.

So as you can see I am very emotional and my head is all over the place....  I will some how keep pushing forward.

I'm going to hang around a bit longer....

I have a lot to learn and discover and instead of winging it I will hang around and look for some answers :)

Think I am leaving, this site isn't helping me like I thouht it would. :(

I am still on liquids and I haven't felt full. I don't know if that's right or not. I'm feeling a little lost today. 

Surgery on the 12th was a success. The doc said everything went smoothly... I am so glad I stuck to the preop diet 100%... This is proof if you follow the guidelines you should have no worries... 

Today is the best I have felt, so it's all going in the right direction. 

When they tell you to walk.... DO IT! It helps with blood clots in your legs but it will also help get the gas out of your belly. I saw online that people were saying take gas-x strips... Well I did and they did nothing. I even asked the doc and he said the same thing... They won't help with this type of gas. You have to move...

I weighed 224 when I went to the hospital and when I got home I was 234... So I expected to have a gaining I did :) its starting to come down and then the fun begins. 

Guess that's all for today....

Had my pre-op testing done this morning. I made it to the hospital just after 6:30 am and I was out by 7:50am, which means I made it to work on time... Yippee...

This must have been the fastest testing I have had done in a long time. I think if I waited an hour or so to go I would be waiting forever....

What kills me is the money you have to fork out to have these tests done. And the hospital tries to get ya with, if you pay today I will give you 20% off. Well woop de doo... lol... I am putting it on a credit card regardless so sure give me a break....

At this rate I shouldn't have too much to pay when it comes time for the surgery next week. (hopefully).

I have been feeling ok, but then poof belly issues hit all at once and that just stinks. And I finally got over my withdrawl headache and now today I have a doozie and I can fall asleep typing this... I am trying to drink my water in hopes that it helps fix me up a bit...

I am hoping for a 2 day work week next week, Monday there is snow coming and I hope we get the ok to work from home then I only have to go in for Tuesday and Weds and then let the fun begin.  But who knows what will happen with the weather.

Well, last night I went out with the girls and I ate my cream soup and protein drink before I left so I wouldn't be hungry.

I even ordered water (at a bar and that doesn't make them happy)... Then once everyone was there they started ordering food. They started off with one of my favs... fried green beans ( Thanks TGIF for making this one of my vices, lol), then the pizza came and to finish soft pretzel sticks...

OMG, let me say that again OMG...

I didn't eat one thing but man it took everything in my body not to grab a taste of something, or scoop up some melted cheese on the pizza tray....

This is going to be the hard part for me (Temptation) after the surgery is going out with the girls. 

We play trivia at a local bar and I can't order water every week... Thank goodness trivia is done till Mayish. Food I think I could manage, its the beverage that is making me worry. You want to still live a normal life, but you don't want to offend the bar owner either. Not sure if that makes sense...

Today is day 7, after tonight only 7 more days to go ;)

I am still scared, overwhelmed, worried etc... Does this feeling ever go away???

Even the fact that I am keeping things to myself is starting to get hard. I am a person who feels she needs to share everything or explain myself. I know I don't, but it's hard to change your habbits over night.  I kept my diabeties a secret from everyone at work with the exception of 2 people and neither of them work with us anylonger. And I have had no problem for 11 years doing that, so why is this so hard.

I am talking to them about how I cut sugar, caffeine and carbs etc... Since that is something we talk about. There are a few of us that talk about working out and protein drinks and finding new foods that help with this journey etc... So they know I am working on losing more weight... So that helps me in my head think the plan will work lol...

Anywhoo.. I think that is it for today/now...

Quitting is not an option.

Well this is my first day on the site and I thought I would start with blogging. 

I am in day 5 of my pre op diet and so far so good. It is tough, but I am doing it

I was going to start writing a journal, but that just isn't me. This way I would have a better chance to keep up with it. So I guess I will just get everything to date today... (or until my fingers don't want to type any longer lol) 

I have always had an issue with my weight... I started gaining weight in 4th grade and it continued. By 6th grade a doc told my mom to let me drink as much diet soda as I wanted. If I was hungry, drink diet soda.... 

Then when I was in 11th grade I did medifast and it helped a little but I was on liquids. That wasn't something I could maintain. 

Then as becoming an adult you name it I tried it.....  In 1996 I did deal a meal and lost about 30 pounds and that brought me to pax 195. The following year I met my husband and as life progresses and we tried to have a family weight came back on... Then we were doing fertility treatments and that just made me balloon right up. I think my highest weight was 277 and I'm only 5'2"... During the fertility process I found out I have PCOS and a few surgeries later we stopped trying. 

And mixed in with the fertility I found out in 2003 I have diabetes. It runs in my family and the extra weight gain didn't help. So onto the medications.... I would have it under control nd then I wouldn't and in 2010 I lost 50 pounds and I have kept most of the weight off. I did put some on and take it off over the last few years, but still my sugar wasn't really controlled. I just kept getting more meds and bloodworm.

It is so frustrating when you try so hard and have been going to the gym for years and nothing seems to help. You feel like its your fault and I think part if it is my own mess ups, but there are a few road blocks that just are making this journey impossible. 

I was at my doc in August and we were talking about what I am doing and again another medicine came up and insulin. Then he asked me if I ever thought about barbaric surgery and told me how it could help with diabetes and PCOS. I have heard about the procedure a few years ago but I really thought I could fix this... So he gave me a brochure and told me to do some research and that is is exactly what I did. I went to a seminar and have been doing tons of research and I began the process. At first things were moving along fine. I called my insurance company and they said it was covered so I started with all of my meetings etc.. Then I got a phone call that I actually was not covered. Talk about devastating. 

Since it was almost a new year I thought about looking into my companies insurance and by the good grace of god it was covered. I made my follow up apt with the surgeon and I didn't know what was going to happen at this meeting but a tentative surgery date was scheduled. I had all my paperwork done and all my meetings were completed so the process went fast. As soon as I walked out the office I balled my eyes out... Why??? Well because every emotion I had came out; fear, guilt, regret, excitement and so on... 

Then about a week and half later I got the call the insurance company approved the surgery.... Above emotions came out again :) then it was time I needed to tell work I need the time off... The thing about my work is nothing is personal. No one not even the managers can keep a secret. And so I decided to just tell them it was personal and let them think what they want, which will be girlie issues since that has been a struggle for me. Actually only 5 people know I am having the procedure. This is something I am choosing to keep to myself. I don't handle judgement t from others well and I know people are going to think I am doing this for weight loss. That is a great bonus, but I just need to get off my 8 of my prescriptions plus supplements I take to try and help the meds. 

I did tell two of my close friends and they were so supportive it made me feel great and they keep checking on me. I would love to tell my group of friends I am with all the time but the one I know the longest would judge even though she wouldn't mean to. She knows some one who had the surgery and all she does is judge what she is doing and is jealous and I am afraid I would lose a friend over bettering myself so hush it is. They know I am dieting etc... So when the weight comes off it won't be a shocker. Idk this paragraph is hard to explain. 

Ok so back to me and what's what with the procedure. When I had my apt with the surgeon I weighed 234.4 by the scale in his office and that was on 1/14/15, today I weighed in at 228.4 per my home scale. So I am losing and the weir mainly came off since starting the pre op diet. 

The diet OMG it's easy and super hard. The sugar and carb withdrawal headaches are not fun. Last night I was mourning food, that is the best way I can explain it. I'm starting to miss chewing and other things go with food. 

My husband has been very supportive through the whole process. He won't even eat in front of me, he goes into another room... Very sweet. Last night watching the Super Bowl was hard with the food commercials and we always have pizza. But we survived ;)

Well I think I covered everything and I am sure I have missed something but I think that's enough for tonight....

Stay healthy!