KathyM_6366

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It's difficult to believe it's only been three months. The weight keeps coming off  and all things are good. I still have trouble here and there with different foods, but it's nothing earth shattering. Usually it's me doing something wrong, like eating too fast. That's been the biggest struggle lately....slowing down.   I've noticed a few more hairs coming out when I comb my hair but I honestly don't know if it is me being paranoid or not.  I have lots of hair so I'm not worried.

I discovered some pinch of something...fat, skin etc at the top back of my tighs.  I think it used to be part of my ass! LOL  It's migrating south. I'll end up with kankles! LMAO 

Smaller clothes sizes are good but I'm a bit bummed about a smaller cup size. I'll just have to see where I end up.  Measurements and pics below!




~Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before.~
Erich Fromm

	3/24/09	4/24/09	5/24/2009	6/24/2009
Right Arm	14.5	14.5	13.75	13.5
Bust	51.25	49.5	49	48.5
Waist	49	47	45	43.5
Hips	54	51	49	48
Thigh	26	24	23.5	22.5
Knee	17.5	17.5	17	16.5
Calf	18.5	18	17.75	17
Weight	252	233	217	208

Women are like tea bags. We don't know our strength until we are in hot water.   ~Eleanor Roosevelt~

The struggle I thought I'd have - food - is not the one that gives me the most trouble.  Finding clothes that fit me has been the most frustrating thing I've experiened.    Goodwill doesn't have a good selection of large size clothes. Walmart sizes run very small. I just don't know what size I am either.  It's all good and I am not complaining about getting into smaller sizes, honest.  Good stress or bad stress is still stress. That's all.

I know I'm repeating myself but that's how frustrated I am. I'm losing this weight and I feel like I look dumpy in clothes because they are baggy.  Grrrrr.  I guess that tells me I have some body image issues, huh? LOL

I've hit the 2  month mark! WOO HOO!!    The weight keeps coming off and I get to eat 3oz of food now, that includes lettuce and whole wheat crakers. It's all very exciting!!

I went to my first aerobics class in about 20 years, but I made it through. I just have to keep going to class. Finding clothes has been a challenge. The good will stores close to me don't have much in larger size clothes, which is still the size I need. So that has been frustrating. Also, not knowing exactly what size I'm wearing causes me some confusion but I'll get
through it.

I have been able to identify my cheek bones and my hope is to someday find my collar bones...heehee.

	3/24/09	4/24/09	5/24/2009
Right Arm	14.5	14.5	13.75
Bust	51.25	49.5	49
Waist	49	47	45
Hips	54	51	49
Thigh	26	24	23.5
Knee	17.5	17.5	17
Calve	18.5	18	17.75
Weight	252	233	217

This is one month post op













   This is two months post op



          

Ok, from now on I only weigh myself in the morning. The scale said 230 this a.m.   Yippie!  I'll take it. (I think my scale is trying to play with my head  )

I feel like my weight loss is going very slow. I'm doing what I'm supposed to: protein, liquids, 2 oz meals, walking 30 to 45 min a day.  Grrrrr.  I get on the scale Wednesday and it says 233.  I go the NUT on Wednesday and get 233.  Today, Friday, the scale says 235.  I want to scream.   I hear and see people saying they've lost 30 lbs in the first month and all I can think is what am I doing wrong?  It's so demotivating.  My husband says I'm probably building some muscle with the waking and all the protein. Honestly, I don't want to hear it.  I want it off!  I know, I know...patience is a virtue.

The good news, I'm losing inches. I supposed that is a win in its own right and I am thankful.

	3/24/09	4/24/09
Right Arm	14.5	14.5
Bust	51.25	49.5
Waist	49	47
Hips	54	51
Thigh	26	24
Knee	17.5	17.5
Calve	18.5	18
Weight	252	230

I miss food. I know my mind is just trying to get me back to my old ways. Of course I'm not going to let that happen but I have to admit I'm really missing food.   This past Friday was probably the most difficult.  My mind kept saying "but it's Friday. Time for pizza. Time to go out to dinner.  Time to eat!"  My body can barely get in all it's supposed to in just one day and only eating 2oz meals.  Rationally I know I can't eat too much.  Emotionally I want a stuffed pizza from Uno's.

I've made my husband dinner a couple of time because I feel like I have to control my thoughts about food.  I still have to be around it. I still have to eat it. I still need to be able to cook.  It's tough.  It really is.  I was in the grocery store today and to be completely honest, it was hard.   I helped my husband pick out some foods for lunches and dinners and then I went about getting some yogurt for myself.

This food addiction sure is something.  I can control it. It will not control me......but I still can't wait until I can actually eat something other than a pudding like consistancy.

Everyday I step on the sale. Everyday my first thought is "that can't be right".  

*sigh*

I've lost this battle so many times I can't believe what is right in front of my eyes.

In 24hrs I'm going to be taking a very drastic action to improve my life. I'm anxious and scared and excited all at once. In the last month, and more so in the last few days, the anxious and scared beats the excited.   

This is the way my mind works.  When there is something I'm going to do that I have to prepare for I envision the event in my mind. I started doing this when I first had to get up and teach or present in front of people.  I do this exercise for almost any big event.   It helps me figure out what needs to be done and calms me. It also means I think too much.   For my surgery I can't seem to do it. There are to many unknowns.  It bothers me.

The bottom line is that I'm not a risk taker. I don't follow blindly. I don't step into the darkness. I don't jump off cliffs.  The idea of this surgery feels like I'm blind folded, standing on the edge, and telling myself "take one step forward".   This does't mean I don't want it and doesn't mean I won't do it, just that I'm scared of the unknown.  I'll push through this and I'll get it done and I'll be sucessful. period.

I suppose what it all boils down to is faith. I have faith in myself, that I made the right decision and understand all the consequences. I have faith in the support I receive from my family and friends. And, I have faith that someone up there is looking down  and watching over me.

3 days pre-op

Right Arm	14.5
Bust	54.25
Waist	49
Hips	54
Thigh	26
Knee	17.5
Calve	18.5
Weight	252

WooHoo! Down two more pounds before surgery!

So I have this fear of not being able to keep track of everything I'll need to take in after surgery.  I know there are on-line food tracking sites and such but I really wanted something I could put in my purse and carry around.  Sure, there are also PDA's and phone apps etc. but those are expensive and honestly, I just wanted a good old fashioned pen and paper so I could I create exactly what I want.

I went to Office Max and found some 4x6 index card (blank on one side) and a cute little binder to hold them in.  I designed my own chart to print on the cards.  One side will track my ounces and the other will track my vitamins. Although I forgot to add my D, B1 and B12 so I had to write them in afterward.  I posted some pics of it in my photos.

I don't know if it will work or be what I need but at least right now I feel like I'm getting organized, which makes me feel somewhat in control. (control issues much? LOL)  At the very least, if it does't work once I try to get into my routine I can print up new cards and try something different! 

Another fear I've been carrying around (along with all this weight) is that I'll never learn what I need to suceed. Totally irrational, I know, but there none the less. Two weeks ago I went for my last chinese dinner. The fortune in my fortune cookie said "You will learn quickly. Never fear."  I saved that little piece of paper and it's now taped to the front of my "Hipster PDA" (that's what my husband calls my little book since it is so non-tech).  I also have a charm on the inside of the binder that says "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right".

I not only think I can, I KNOW I can.

I had the all day nutrition class yesterday and all I can say is thank godness for the binder they gave us. So much to learn.  I was kind of freaked out by it by the time the class was over, but once I clamed down I realized that I don't have to be perfect right out of the gate. Which is totally how I operate. I'm used to having all my ducks in a row and having a plan and knowing the process and how things will flow etc.  (control freak much? LOL)

 This is no where near that kind of situation. I'm going to have to take it day by day and adjust possibly every time I put something in my mouth.  I think that is what scares me the most....no, wait.  What scares me the most is being 3, 4 or more years out and not being able to maintain. 

However, what I learned at group last night is that no one is perfect.  I'll probably fall off the wagon at some point.  I'll need to learn to suck it up and admit it, take responsibility for it and then get back on the right road.   I can't justify or rationalize my mistakes but I need to learn to give myself a break and not beat myself up  if I make one.

It's such a damn mind game and there are so many slippery slopes.


Anyway, I like the sippy cup and baby spoon I got yesterday. I'll be using them soon!