Food Wars

Oct 10, 2011

Last night all I could think about was food.  I literally laid in bed and thought about every single piece of food that was in the fridge.  The block cheddar cheese, the pizza, the left over chineese food, eggs, cottage cheese LOL, I thought about it all.  Why?  I wasn't hungry, I had already ate.  HEAD HUNGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I try to hide from it or act like it doesn't exist...but that is impossible.  It is funny sitting here thinking about it I realize that it is simply part of life.  Does that mean that I am a failure?  No.  Does it mean that I am the only one that sits around and thinks about food?  No.  It is funny, I spoke with another woman who had RNY and she swore that she never had head hunger, never thought about food, only ate what was on the plan...basically she claimed to be perfect.  But I honestly believe that no one is 100% perfect.  That is what makes us unique individuals and clearly if we were perfect we would have never had the issues that we had in the past that led us to have surgery in the first place.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I am upset, sad, stressed, unhappy, worried....and the list goes on and on.  I am someowhat obsessive compulsive...I obsess and worry myself sick sometimes.  I worry about food, I worry about calories, I worry about everything from time to time.  Does that make me a "failure"? No.  It just means that I am human.  I am sure that most of us have our different "FOOD" related issues.  When I first had surgery and started eating regular food, potato chips were the one thing that went down good, stayed down and didn't cause me any pain.  So I ate potato chips.  Not all the time but every now and then.  I got over it finally but it was something that I had to deal with.  I use to be horrible about drinking my water, but now if I don't have water I can literally tell a difference in the way that I feel...so water is my friend LOL.  Protein, I use to not worry a lot about protein.  Now I think about it all the time.  I try to eat my protein rich foods first that way even if I get full and eat nothing else....I at least got my protein in.  So what am I trying to say?  I am trying to say that we are all unique, we all deal with things differently.  I post my issues on this blog for the OH world to see....that may be a good thing and it may be a bad thing.  Some people don't talk about their issues...that is ok too!  But just because we slip, slack, fall off track...does not mean that we can't get back on track.  Tomorrow is a new day and can be a new start.  I have to learn that I cannot compare myself to those people who think they are "perfect".  No flaws...sounds fake to me!  I accept the "flaws and all" like Beyonce said LOL.  This is a journey to not only becoming slimmer but most importantly to becoming healthier.  People can lose weight and still not be healthy.  It is a complete lifestyle change, not just a number on the scale.  Of course I could be like those that completely stop eating and lose a ton of weight....but would I be healthy?  Probably not.  Today I am 317 days out from surgery...10 months and 13 days.  I started this journey at 301 pounds.  This week I have been going back and forth between 187 and 184.  My original goal weight was 180.  It is a journey like no other.  I am thankful to have embarked on this great experience (finally) and to have come this far and made such great friends in the process (and got rid of some not so great ones as well )
I am learning to accept who I am, what I look like, and what I weight.  Flaws and all!!!

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