Patty T.

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My brother wants nothing to do with me, nor do my nephews, I guess because I have not made the trip east in a while to see my mother. She has progressed from a assisted living faciity to one that is more nursing. I am told that she is happy and well-cared for. I can't physically make the trip. The last time was very hard on me physically, and I was in better shape then. I don't think that they understand.

Plus I'm not so sure I can visit her myself. I feel like I betrayed her. I sold her stuff at auction. I could not take it with me, not did I have the time or physical ability to go through it all - she was a bit of a packrat. My brother wanted to throw it all out. I figured at least to let it go to people who might love it. I let my Barbies go in that auction. I loved them, but that was a part of the past. Some times I miss them.

I did take all the photos. Clippings. Programs. I kept 2 golf trophies - one that dad and a neighbor won together, and one they won as Husband & Wife. A pewter pitcher and a silver bowl.

That life is truly gone. And what I have now isn't all I'd hoped. But I am too tired and too fat to change it. Hell, I can't change it. And I need their help, just as they need mine. Plus I am very fond of the boys. I do miss kiddo.

Had gotten down from 3x/wk swims to 1x, and I even missed that today. I was really cold and tired at noon. I was teleworking, and I think I got chilled. Anyway, I was cold, plus my legs were aching, so I laid down to rest. Well, I slept the afternoon away. Then I yelled at my stepson because he had not emptied the DW even though I had thought I had communicated that it needed to be done. I know I spoke about it at least 3x. Since the Kiddo left, no one but me does chores unless I direct them to do so. And even then I am ignored by his Grumpiness, the Aspergian.

I gotta exercise, if not for my health, then for my mood. Since I quit smoking, I have sooo much less patience. Plus hubby did not quit smoking yet. He's been "gonna quit" for ages. He has this weird thing about having to quit overnight - have the last cig before bed and then no more. Today was supposed to be the day. I got up, found he had 2 left in his pack, so I hid them. I should have broken them up, but I wanted to avoid extreme drama. Anyway, he is smoking again. Pisses me off. I know I'm better off, but the kid in me says "That's not fair!"

At least things at work are getting better. My new colleague is trying harder and so am I. She seems to be very detail oriented and grounded. I used to be like that, but lately, I have had trouble. I think she will be a good match for me. I think we are done storming, let's do the norming so we can then be performing.

I'm just a girl who cain't say no.

Once upon a time, the title of this was "Taking care of ME". Now please understand, that wasn't the reality, it was the wish. And I was acting "as if." It sorta worked when I had my breakdown this past winter, because I had time. But once I got back to work, the old patterns slipped back in. I've made SOME progress.

I quit smoking my cloves. Oh, I loved you dear friends, But you were doing me wrong. Well, quitting was a gateway to WLS. Now I wait 6 mos. for my lungs and body to recover.

Meanwhile, all the good habit I was trying to start have all gone by the way-side. I'm lucky if I get to the pool once a week. I don't hang out here on the OH board.

What's up? Self sabotage?

I didn't make it to the pool over the weekend, but did work around the house & yard. It was around 55' and sunny Staurday - the nicest it has been since Nov. the evening news said last night. I pottered around in the yard, moving daffodils, winter cleanup, dog poo patrol. Basically more steps in the outdoor light. Plus I love it.

Sunday I moved the daffy planter, plus made great progress out the rat's nest that my son calls his desk area. I've got the spring cleaning bug.

Hubby is a hoarder. but has finally relaxed enough about me to let me start sorting stuff and throwing things out. I've always sort of judged my state of mental health by how messy I am as well. It was partly the Spring weather Saturday, but I'm finding that I have both the energy and the ambition to start weeding my way through years of crap.

Got weighed at WW@work today. Lost 8 lbs.

Super busy at work. One big project ready for user testing. Another rush job this week. I thought I'd whip out the rush one and let my new colleague ride herd on the ongoing work. Bad idea, I guess. Quelle surprise when I find out on Friday that she asked to be transferred back to the group she came from. And even worse, her old boss does not want her back. Now we need to get all touchy feely and figure out what to do next. ARGH.

Now we have had some ups and downs. I really needed some help and was so very happy when she joined us and I thought I finally got some, Then she takes off 10 days a week after join us when her FIL passed - right during a critical phase of the project around Thanksgiving. So she comes back and right away asks for the day before and the day after Christmas. WTF?

After the 1st of the year, she asks me not to cc her on things that don't concern her - it just clutters up her in box. Hello? I'm trying to teach her about the wide variety of our work, to see what parts she takes a shine to, and she doesn't want to bothered. Not quite the "help" I was looking for.

So after I start recovering from my bad SAD spell, I really made an effort to work with her. She complained that she didn't know what to do, so I assigned her something. Things seemed to be going better. She showed me what she had, and I reviewed it, adding notes. Now I'm "micro-managing."

I really don't know what to do next. It looks like I might be stuck with her. Damn.

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I had a time crunch this week - I had a stomach bug Mon and Tues plus I had to be in the office Tues-Fri this week because of meetings and my rush project. As a result, I wasn't able to swim and I really missed it. I haven't yet figured how to work in exercise on days I go in to the office. Just going to the office is a workout. By the end of the day, even if I have my bathing suit in the car, it is just waaay to easy to turn toward home instead of going straight, which is the way to the pool.

But I did get to the pool today and held it to 35 minutes after being off for a week. Better take some ibuprophen now before I stiffen up.

Worked more today - the site works as FB3, but now I need to upgrade it to FB5. So more work tomorrow. Once I get this rush job done, I need a day off.

Superbowl tomorrow. Hubby & I are gonna watch and cook a beef roast. Man Food.

I am also struggling to get my eating under control. Work stress was bad this week. Today I actually logged my food.

B - Evil Eggs: toasted WW pita, eggwhite omelete, 2 pc swiss cheese, squirt of catsup, spicy Mrs. Dash. Hubby named this. Once the Mrs. Dash hits the ketchup, which has been warmed by the heat of the eggs, it gives off a powerful spicy odor.

L - 2 grilled turkey burger patties in 2 ww low carb wraps, lots of lettuce & sliced onion, T mayo

D - Grilled lime cilantro chicken, cooked spinach, grilled onion

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I actually started back in on my WLS application last weekend. Was bummed again about the smoking. Maybe I should look into OHSU - shorter smoke-free period, I think. I want to get ON with this and my LIFE. 

OK, so I'm trying to take better care of myself. I'd put off seeing the dentist for a while. Over a year ago I had awful problems for the 1st time where I had to have a root canal - my 1st ever, and on a HOT tooth - and have a neighboring tooth extracted. The whole experience left me traumatized. I've had great teeth up to that point, very few fillings. So I started to develop a pretty good dentist phobia in the last year and a half.

Recently I'd been having some pain in that area again. It wasn't too bad, and between the project at work and my SAD, it wasn't a priority. Then it started hurting a bit more, so in the interest of Taking Care of Myself, I finally booked an appointment.

I had never gotten around to getting a cap on the tooth where I had the root canal - it has now cracked in half. I have an abcess that is draining into my mouth - sounds yucky, but the dentist says that is not such a bad thing - otherwise my cheek would be all swollen up. I started on antibiotics the same day (Friday) and am really glad I caught it when I did. I was a bit late with my 3rd pill yesterday, and it really got sore and swollen. Took both ibuprophen and T4 so I could sleep.

I made an appt to have the broken tooth extracted on Monday. I'm off for MLK day, so while it won't be fun, I don't have to burn sick time. With luck, I can be a much happier camper by Tuesday. I have a prelim meeting for my next project - systems support for a new Bill on Mortgage Lending up in the interim session.

I'm a senior systems analyst for Financial Regulation in Oregon. Needless to say, with the ML meltdown, our folks have been busy. It keeps life interesting, though. Maximum flexibility is required to keep pace. But I really love what I do. I wish the citizens of Oregon knew how many people work so very hard to chase down and prosecute bad guys who take advantage of low-income and elderly people.

Well. I got off-topic there. I guess that's one reason I don't take good care of myself. I get too wound up in being passionate about my work.

Back in the day, I used to get this way about theater. I am NOT a performer. Not an issue of stage fright - I can improv all day long. Public speaking does not bother me in the least. But I can't memorize for squat. The other actors get testy if you stray from the book.

I used to design, build and paint sets. I also crafted props, designed and ran lights. I stage managed many shows and even have directed a few. Theater is a time suck. No matter how many hours you put into a show, it can always use more. A real trap for a co-dependent. I was very passionate about my work, and as a result did not take good care of myself when doing a show. Then in the down time between shows, I'd catch up on sleep and clean up all the mess that had accumulated in my house.

I'm not finding much down time in my work. We leap from one project to the next. I'm actually looking forward to the surgery as a time to rest from work. I think that's a bit nuts.

All I have accomplished is going to the 2 intro meetings - OHSU and Legacy. Based on the combination of my PCP and Shrink's recommendation plus my own research and overall impressions, I've decided on Dr. P.

I haven't even submitted my application yet, though. I started it, but have not gotten back to it. I'm swimming 3x a week to get in better shape and have started making better food choices and trying to eat less.

My biggest challenge right now is quitting smoking. I've been struggling with that since May 07. I've been smoke-free for periods of various lengths (3 days to a month), but keep coming back to it. Part of my prob is that I smoke Cloves. Not many a day, but not only do I get the niccotine boost to my brain chemicals, but they also TASTE GOOD. I had "quit" in Nov. I have signed up for Free & Clear, but even once I quit, I still have to wait 6 mos. I understand and support the reasons for the my wait, but it is frustrating.

My shrink told me that as I move along my journey, I'm gonna have all sorts of feelings that come up. Great. One reason I overeat and smoke is to soothe those feelings.

• started trying to swim more regularly


• med change to Cymbalta 60 mg 2x a day instead of just 1 x 60mg


• back on weekly mega-dose of vitamin D - was on a holiday before re-test


• slept when my body felt tired


• worked from home more days than in the office


• more & longer sessions with light box


• more frequent shrink visits

  AND

• the days are getting longer again!!!!

I have noticed over my lifetime that swimming is often what helps pull me up out of a tailspin. My folks were both jocks and I think I inherited their metabolism. Whatever I don't use gets stored. So I have to use up the cals I eat.

Last week I was in the office 3 days. It doesn't sound like much to a normal person, but for a depressed 55 year old SMO woman that's a huge improvement! I'm getting around better. On Thursday I had a meeting and I forgot to take my cane. I got caught again standing and talking afterward. If I want the conv to be short, I don't say  "Let's go sit." But this one didn't get the hint that my feet were aching. Until then, I hadn't even missed the cane. In fact, once I escaped, I circled back to the conf room to seel if it was there.  Nope, finally found it at my desk.

And after all that extra walking, I was really hurting, I still got my butt to the pool on the next day, Friday.

During the worst of my depression, I was seriously contemplating trying to go on disability. The pain, both physical and emotional, was getting so bad that I'd just lie in bed and cry. Getting up was just going to be so much worse. Maybe I could just lie there and not have to move,

I had asked my PCP about a motorized chair, but she said if I got into one, I'd never get out. Perhaps, she is right, but I wanted an instant fix. I wanted to pain to stop. I never contemplated killing myself, but at times, I did start to think that if I died, at least the pain of this life would be over.

So I started to look into WLS. I see that I have so much to do before I can take that step. But even with the few steps I have taken so far, I'm already feeling better.

But then, Persephone is on her way back. I see her coming.

1. Quit smoking for good.

2. Exercise at LEAST 3x a week, preferably 6x.

3. Finish up my application for WLS. Let's get this show on the road.

4. "Clean Sweep" my house.     

5. Have WLS

6. Take care of myself, even if I think it is "selfish"

My club was only open from 8-12, but I got myself to the pool again. Yay!

Swam for 45 minutes, and varied my routine, as well as my pool toys.

Since I played with the big flippers alot last workout, I used only the small ones today. I also swam in sets of 8 instead of 10. My Mom was also a swimmer. She taught me to love the water. Mom always counted in sets of 10, as did my childhood swim coach, counting each length, but calling it a "lap". Now the anal perfectionist in me wants to object - a "lap" is technically 2 lengths. "Lap" connotes coming back to a starting place. But despite these technical objections, I like calling a length a "lap" as well - it sounds like more!

I listened to my body today. I have been working at quitting smoking for the last 6 months. The longest I have stayed quit was 1 month, but I have had more smoke free-periods than smoking times. And I was only smoking 0-2 a day. Cloves, though. Very strong. I am going smoke-free again as of today so I can start counting my "smoke free time" and get to my new tool, whatever that may be faster (surgeon requires 6 mos).

So I have breathing issues. This morning my throat was rough from breathing through my snorkle, so I "allowed" myself to stop after 8 "laps" and drink some of the bottled water I bring. Then I just started going in sets of 8 - I felt like a real rebel! My therapist thinks I have unresolved Mom issues. Maybe so! LOL!

One thing I love about swimming is the insights my mind lands on when wandering during my swim! I think that in one of the reasons that I like swimming with a mask, snorkle, hand paddles and fins. The body goes on auto pilot and the mind wanders.

Well, not too far. Still gotta count those laps ... I'm too analytical not to.