skylark2011

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It has been so long since I have posted.  Honestly it does not feel like it has been almost a year.  Where to begin?  There have been sooo many things that have happened.  Wow. Wow. 

Confession time! My stats have changed and not all for the better.  Though I have been weight lifting for about 3 months, I am 201.2 as of today, and that is down from 205.4.  I am in recovery - just having gone through my divorce.  I am very grateful that it was relatively short, I had a good lawyer and she couldn’t be intimidated or bossed around.  Initially my husband - EX husband thank God - tried to intimidate and threaten and was so....angry and...intentionally hurtful.  I still grieve over the change in him, but through counseling and support I was shown that the changes - addictions, abuse, adultery - were symptoms of much deeper issues that he hadn’t dealt with, that grew after his WLS and REALLY took off after my WLS - but that is another story for another day. The whole process took a toll.  It seemed so long, though it was a relatively short amount of time -  7 months from the time he was served until the end.  I know that was due to the high amounts of stress, insomnia, and just...the heart pain. The pain that seems to radiate from deep in the body. It felt like a...spirit flu.  I'd heard about bitter exes drawing out the process, playing out their power and control issues, so I think it was to my benefit that his lawyer was a member of his support group - I think he would have acted more...true to his nature...had that connection not been there. 

I am grateful that I was faithful with my exercise throughout this process even when my eating was poor.  I used MOM to purge at times, as I’d done in the past.  I was aware of what I was doing, knew it was unhealthy, and forgave myself, and have been MOM free for a good while....unless there is some serious blockage - which still happens even this far out from surgery.    Also during the transition I started working.  That also added a certain amount of stress.  The environment that I was in was very toxic, and coupled with the emotional toll of the divorce proceedings, some nights it was all that I could do to get home, explain to my children in a way that they could understand, and crawl into bed.  There were some days that I was so physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally weary, I could not cry, I could hardly process what was happening.  It was all hard, though I knew it was for the better. It was unbelievably hard.  If you have been through it, you know.  But. but.

Over time, I began to see some good changes. Things weren’t affecting me as deeply as they once had.  I began to read other books and use the tools that I was learning in my group and from my readings.  It wasn’t getting better, but how I dealt with it was.  And then, almost simultaneously, my divorce was finalized and I was given an opportunity to interview for another location at the beginning of this year. And just like that, it was done.  It felt like forever and then the fog cleared suddenly.  Knowing that it is over and done....it has been like spring.  Slowly and increasingly I feel more alive with every passing day. It is difficult to describe. 

All of these changes, this whole process of taking care of me and making better and healthier decisions for myself, began with a thought and action, so many years ago. The decision to undergo WLS was one of the most life changing decisions that I've made.  After many years of different ways of eating, different pills, and other tools, I found one that has been the longest running success that I have ever experienced.  Those other years, though painful, were essential to my learning, though it didn’t feel like it at the time.  I do not like what I went through, but now I can appreciate how those helped me change and grow, and helped me get to this point.  They helped me to learn what worked for me, how to tweak and personalize plans and turn them into something I can do for life. My babies have also been such an important part of these changes, all of them.  My heart’s desire is for them to learn what is healthy, what is good, what feeds their souls.  Every step I have taken, even when I doubted myself, when I looked to them, it helped ease the fears and confusions. I want health for them, and for me, in every area of our lives, for the rest of our lives.

I had a beautiful blog written.  and it was not posted!! 

Stats -

Weight: 178.2

Shirts: Juniors M-XL

           Adults S-L (depends on manufacturer)

Pants: 9-12 (depends on manufacturer)

Goals - Maintaining between175-184, and build up enough strength to traverse the monkeybars.

Lots of emotional pain and transition these past months, and I am learning. I am learning. Still relieved and grateful for my sleeve.  Still practicing self-care, and my needs change.  Still a mostly low-carb diet, except for around my cycle.  Still practicing being kind to myself, forgiving myself, loving myself.  Learning what real genuine love looks like, and what it DEFINITELY does not.  So many lessons.

Im a little early for my surgiversary, but whats a few days?  Life has been challenging, and I am still learning how to listen to my body for its needs, not over exert myself, and take time to take time.  I read a quote somewhere, and it said

"If you don't take time, time takes you."

It really made me think, and it relates to every area of my life.  Regardless of all the unknowns and the constant changes that are happening in my personal life, I still must take the time and make the time for me.  It is my nature to put myself on the backburner to tend to others needs, and that has helped others and myself at times, but if I do that consistently, then I will never take the time, make the time, for myself.  And it leads to resentment, fatigue, and feeling unappreciated.  It leads to weeks, months, and years, wondering where all the time went, and why Im not as far along in some of my personal goals as I expected to be. And that would lead to feeling discouraged and depressed. I know others can relate to that cycle. 

This journey is still teaching me how to put myself first, and WHEN to put myself first.  Lets face it, life just aint gonna be about me all of the time.  I wouldn't want it to.  That makes for spoiled & selfish kids, and its extra ugly and abnormal in an adult - also called Narcissism.

But there is a time and a place for me.  There is a time for me to give to me, and a time for me to give to others.  I give to myself by exercising at least 4 days a week for at least 45 minutes.  I give to myself by sticking to my way of eating most of the time.  I have, since the beginning of my journey, learned to be forgiving of myself around my cycle time.  I will allow myself chips, I will allow myself chocolate.  I have learned what really 'does it for me' throughout this process, and have learned, with the help of my VSG THANK GOD! - that its about the quality, not the quantity - if I take the time.  If I just sit back and take a moment.  And sometimes, miraculously, that thing that I thought that I needed, I no longer want.  Sometimes. 

My eating is still not completely perfect on a weekly basis, but can be today.  Was yesterday, and the day before, and that's how I need to take it.  Stats today - 176.4 roughly 3 years from surgery.  I like this range on my 5'10" frame, and have no desire to be smaller. I prefer staying around 180, and have not had my excess skin removed as of yet.  Down from 351.4.  And it feels good.  Im no longer ecstatic and on that high, but there is still consistent good feelings.  I am working on maintenance and trying to figure out what that looks like for me.  But I am still, say it with me:

Grateful and Relieved!!! Thank you VSG, thank you OH, thank God, and thank me for taking that chance on myself.

This past week was far more of a challenge for me!  TOM, Exams, and viruses, yuck! Needless to say I haven't felt like doing anything, and only exercised 3 times.  I am glad the weather is changing, that I am feeling better in one way, but more sad in others. 

Weight is up, but that's no surprise with bloating and limited exercise and being sick - 182.6 when I checked earlier.  I know that this is not real, but it still IS, so I am able to deal with that. And its not all just because of those things either, I have been far less diligent since the end of February than I normally am.  That is what it is right now, and I forgive myself, and I acknowledge my mistakes and cant deny that it was a comfort to do some of them!! Ive had chips, which I expected, but I also had oreos and pizza too. 

Am I depressed?  Maybe.  Theres a lot going on inside, especially since my marriage is pretty much over.  But I am still grateful for what I have been able to do, and I understand and firmly believe that this will pass.  It will, and it must, and I will help it on its way out by holding the door open.    I cant get bogged down mentally and emotionally, because I know that translates to me trying to compensate through eating.  Sigh. Its a process, and I am in this for the long haul, still relieved and grateful for making the VSG choice.

I still have a hard time fully grasping the long reaching effects of that single decision to have weight loss surgery.  I still shake my head in disbelief, and STILL wonder where I got the gumption.  And I am STILL relieved and grateful.  Where would I be if I hadnt finally done it?  Where would I be?  I am pretty sure that I would be either close to 400 pounds or still fluctuating between 320-360.  I would still be sad about not being in control of my eating.  And I probably wouldnt have had the courage to see what was happening in my marriage and take steps to make sure our children and I were in a safe and stable environment.  VSG was the help that I needed, and I still thank God for not letting me jump up off the gurney, cheeks flapping in the wind!!

I have been as low as 176 and as high as 184 in the past 8 months.  I am 180.2 today. I am very happy with my regiment, eating, & body. Not much has changed from the pictures that I've posted.  But the increase in my strength of mind and peace of mind are priceless.  Priceless.  The belittling and berating myself for not being able to control myself are gone, because the debilitating hunger is gone.  Yes, its still gone. Hunger, REAL hunger, i do have, and it is a pleasure to satisfy it, because I know what I will have and wont have, and can stop. I am walking and using an elliptical machine at least 4 times a week for 45 minutes.  I am still eating mostly low carb.  I still choose to have salty and crunchy chips, crackers, and/or chocolate around my cycle. I am NOT perfect, nor shooting for perfection, but remembering to eat concsciously. To remain aware.  and it has been good.  Great at times, but never horrible.

I have learned to genuinely forgive myself and to be kind to myself.  I have learned to take it easy at times, and to be more giving of myself to myself.  That was a luxury that I did not think I deserved regularly before.  I am and will remain a good person, but before this whole process I really devalued myself.  I would only allow myself small things because there was either never enough time or I felt deep down that I didnt deserve it, though I wouldn't let other people tell me that I didnt deserve it.

I have come to understand more and more that the weight was a big part in denying myself healthy things.  I am grateful to have a better relationship with myself. It has made it easier to have and expect healthier relationships with other people in my life.

Clothing sizes still depend on the manufacturer.  I am wearing pants that range from size 9/10 to 12.  I have a pair that say size 0, but I KNOW that is a labeling error lol!  Coats and tops mostly say Small, but I wear anything from Small to Large. I still LOVE the thrift store and have fun shopping and trying on clothes. It is quiet inside.

A new year! I am glad to see it. My motto for this year: Intentional. Even with the drama of life, i wouldnt change much. been a very good year. As i sat reflecting one day in december, I was surprised to discover that 2013 was the first year that I was not yearning for the new year and wishing that the current year was already over. That made me happy, and surprised me because it was the most emotionally volatile year I can remember. Discovering that was likea breath of fresh air, and bewildering too. I thank God, because without the Creator, supportive loving family and friends, Al-anon, VSG, and the (mostly) consistent application of better food choices and exercise, ALL of those things together...I do not know where i would be. i just dont.

It does not seem like it has been that long.  It feels like maybe it was a year ago.  It still feels very new, but much less awkward and fear-filled. That is a huge relief. I am more comfortable in my skin, the negative nancys have  been kicked out of my head....at least 76% of them lol. Still struggling on occasion with SAD, but it feels better without having the added burden of being SMO. 

Today Im at 177.6.  I can wear pants sized from 9 - 12, shirts from small to large, skirts and dresses sized 8 - 10. Exercising at least 4 times a week for an hour.  Still doing low carb, incorporating bananas, grapes on occasion - not so leery of higher sugar fruits.  Ive also discovered these whole wheat low carb wraps at SAMS club and at Wal Mart that are good and I like to use for my family.  Weve made pizzas with them, breakfast wraps, chicken BLT wraps, they are awesome!! Im very grateful for everything that I am learning throughout this weight loss journey, about myself, about how to interact with others in a healthy way, how to be kind to myself and forgive myself and others.  It has been a crazy lesson filled ride.

This whole month has been filled with and ever-changing tide.  Im up, Im down, Im happy, Im angry, Im sad, Im resigned, Im invigorated...and all around the mulberry bush again.  My oldest child and I wont be going home for Thanksgiving, which is a blessing in some ways.  A few Mondays ago, my husband, who struggles with alcoholism, decided to call it quits on our marriage.  We had a big blow up fight that Sunday night, and then met for lunch the following day to talk. When he made that announcement.  I was floored. Yes, we are separated and I was expecting him to find and stick with a program a few months before now, but this was not what I expected.  Theres no question that things got out of hand, but even in his state -he'd taken sleeping bills, drank half a bottle of beer, or so he said (though he lied about it the whole time i was there and could see him and hear him) he did not hit me, though we did a lot of shoving and pushing.  I was so upset because he was trying to use his size to intimidate me, and I am not easily intimidated, but had reached my limit.  He was not himself, and our babies were with him.  I dont want to rehash the whole thing, but I was floored because it was not the type of conversation that I thought that we would have in a restaurant, it seemed mean and deliberate, though he was very calm and kept his voice at a reasonable level, after all his colleagues were lunching there too.

At first I was going to fight it, saying, no, lets try one more thing, and during a later conversation I said so, but he was adamant that he may never be sober, and the counselors that we were trying to see require at least 90 days sobriety.  So we were gonna try someone that didnt require sobriety, but as I was searching for that type of counselor, I stopped.  Why am i doing this again?  Searching, trying to find solutions, and being made the solutions manager of this relationship.  I turn and return to mrs. fix it mode whenever theres a crisis, and there in is the trap.  Its been over 2 years of this, a long time of this addiction.  If you've been through it, you know.  Only since May, when we separated because I couldnt take it anymore, did things get manageable for me and the children.  I dont like the dangling cookie of 'one more thing, one more alternative..." because I've lived it for so long.  I just cant. I cant.  I go around the same track again and again.  Al anon gave me a pamphlet  that captures this whole repulsive but morbidly attractive process, playing out like a never-ending horror flick, with me watching as the path I tread becomes well worn ring, devoid of grass, just dirt, then a rut, which becomes a ditch, which becomes a pit, eventually, you cant get out.  All in the slow, process of time.  And the horror of it is, willingly and knowingly plodding that same track around and around and around...

Merry-Go-Round of DENIAL
Alcoholism - A Merry-Go-Round named DENIAL
by Reverend Joseph L. Kellermann

  Alcoholism is a tragic three act play in which there are at least two characters, the drinker and his family; friends; co-workers and even counselors may have a part in keeping the Merry-Go-Round turning. 
 

ACT ONE

The play opens with the alcoholic stating that no one can tell him/her what to do. This makes it very difficult for the family to talk about drinking and its results. Even when the drinking is obviously causing serious problems, he/she simply will not discuss it. Talking is like a one-way street. The key word in alcoholism is "Denial," for again and again people do what they say they will not or deny what they have done.  As the alcoholic drinks more and more, the "helpers" deny the problem and increase the alcoholic's dependency. In act one, the alcoholic kills all his/her pain and woe by getting drunk. 
 

ACT TWO
In act two, the alcoholic does nothing but wait for and expect others to do for them. Distinct characters begin to evolve from his/her "helpers." A person can play more than one character and usually does. 

The Enabler

The Enabler is a helpful type, trying to rescue his friend from their predicament. The Enabler wants to save the alcoholic from the immediate crisis and relieve them of the unbearable tension created by the situation. In reality, this person is meeting a need of their own, rather than that of the alcoholic, although the Enabler does not realize this themselves.
The Enabler denies the alcoholic the process of learning by correcting and taking responsibility for his/her own mistakes.  The Enabler may eventually insist they will never again rescue the alcoholic. They always have and the alcoholic believes they always will. 

The Victim

This may be the boss, the employer, the foreman or supervisor. The Victim is the person who is responsible for getting the work done, if the alcoholic is absent due to drinking or is half on and half off the job due to a hangover.  The alcoholic becomes completely dependent on this repeated protection and cover-up by the Victim; otherwise he/his could not continue drinking in this fashion. If the Victim stops helping, the alcoholic will be compelled to give up drinking or give up the job. 

It is the Victim who enables the alcoholic to continue his irresponsible drinking without losing his/her job. 
 

The Provoker

This is usually the wife or mother and is a key person in the play. She is a veteran at this role and has played it much longer than others. She is the Provoker. She is hurt and upset by repeated drinking episodes; but she holds the family together despite all the trouble caused by drinking.  In turn, she feeds back in the relationship her bitterness, resentment, fear and hurt, and so becomes the source of provocation.  She controls, she tries to force the changes she wants; she sacrifices, adjusts, never gives up, never gives in, but never forgets.  The attitude of the alcoholic is that his/her failure should be acceptable, but she must never fail the alcoholic! He/she acts with complete independence and insists he/she will do as they please.  This character might also be called the Adjuster. She is constantly adjusting to the crises and trouble caused by drinking.  Act two is now played out in full. Everything is done for the alcoholic and not by them. The results, effects and problems caused by drinking, have been removed by others. The painful results of the drinking were suffered by persons other than the drinker. This permits him/her to continue drinking as a way to solve his/her problems. 

ACT THREE

Act three begins much like act one. The need to deny dependence is now greater for the alcoholic and must be expressed almost at once, and even more emphatically. The alcoholic denies he/she has a drinking problem, denies he/she is an alcoholic, denies that alcohol is causing him/her trouble. The alcoholic refuses to acknowledge that anyone helped them - more denial. He/she denies that they may lose their job and insists that he/she is the best or most skilled person at his/her job. Above all, the alcoholic denies he/she has caused his/her family any trouble. In fact, the alcoholic blames the family, especially the spouse/parent, for all the fuss, nagging and problems. 

Some alcoholics achieve the same denial by a stony silence, refusing to discuss anything related to their drinking. The memory is too painful.  The real problem is that the alcoholic is well aware of the truth which he/she so strongly denies. He/she is aware of the drunkenness and the failure. His/her guilt and remorse have become unbearable and the alcoholic cannot tolerate criticism or advice from others.  Above all, the memory of his/her utter helplessness and failure is more than embarrassing; it is far too painful for a person who thinks and acts as if he/she were a little god in their own world.  The wheel goes round and round. The curtain never closes after act three, but instead the acts run over and over again. As years go by the actors get older, but there is little change in the words or the action of the play.  It is not true that an alcoholic cannot be helped until he wants help. It is true that there is almost no chance that the alcoholic will stop drinking as along as other people remove all the painful consequences for him/her. The other actors find it difficult to change. It is much easier and far less painful for them to say that the alcoholic cannot be helped, than to go through the agony of learning to play a new role. 

Self-creating crisis

If drinking continues long enough, the alcoholic creates a crisis, gets into trouble, ends up in a mess. This can happen in many ways, but the pattern is always the same: he/she is a dependent who behaves as if he/she were independent, and drinking makes it easy to convince himself/herself this is true. Yet the results of his drinking make him ever more dependent upon others.  When his/her self-created crisis strikes, he waits for something to happen, ignores it, walks away from it, or cries for someone to get him/her out of it. Alcohol, which at first gave him/her a sense of success and independence, has now stripped him/her of their mask and reveals a helpless, dependent child.  The crisis is a way of reassuring the alcoholic that they have control over the other players in the play.  The little god No one has a right to play God and demand that the alcoholic stop drinking. The reverse is also true. The alcoholic can only continue to act like a little god, telling everyone what to do, while doing as he/she pleases, if a supporting cast continues to play their roles. Every player has every right and responsibility to refuse to act as if the alcoholic in their lives were God whose every wish and commandment be obeyed. 
 

Ending the play

There is no easy way to stop the merry-go-round, for it can be more painful to stop it than to keep it going. It is impossible to spell out definite rules which apply to all members of the play. Each case is different, but the framework of the play remains the same.

 

The same traits that he exhibits in alcoholism, I exhibited in being a food addict.  Its something that I sympathize with, and that is what has allowed this to continue for so long.  I hope that he finds his way, and I cant enable him anymore, and he resents that.  So much.  Granted, this tract does not fit us to a T by anymeans, but enough of it is true to make it that morbidly fascinating read that had become my life. 

Im not gonna fight him, and am in the waves of that, hence the up and down emotions.  I am learning in this to be even more good to myself, and try to be kind, even though I want to make some fudge brownies and just eat and hibernate until this is all over.  I cant, and its hard to put one foot in front of the other right now.

I am content with where I am, and working to maintain staying in this place.  Exercise has been steady at four times a week or more for an hour.  Its usually brisk walking with some very light jogging, or the elliptical trainer.  Light weights to hold while walking.  Now I am tryig to incorporate push ups.  I am still doing low carb, and have frankly been PO'd at the people still running around with their "calories in and calories out is the only way" banners.  If that works for you, that is good, but shut up about it being the only way, cuz DUH, its not.  No more guilt.  Its worse than high school cliques on here sometimes.  Ugh.

As an experiment, I started tracking my calories through my fitness pal, and wanted to see what my results told me.  Eating the amount of calories that I eat daily, which is over 1700, and given that I only do brisk walking with light weights (not very high in the calorie burning dept), I should be gaining.  According to fitness pal, at the end of this five week tracking stint, eating the amount of calories that I eat, I should be very close to  200 pounds.  I am 178.0 today.  Smaller than I ever wanted to be.  I have been low-carbing it for most of this post-VSG journey.

Low  carb is not for everybody.  There have, and always will be, ups and downs with eating, whether we are on low-carb, vegetarian, or whatever way of eating we choose.  I get it.  Heck its not going to be perfect all of the time.  And thats cool.  If you have a healthy way that works for you, use it to the max.  I know  that Ive been the most emotionally stable , nightmare free, even skin-toned, FULL (not stuffed) and satiated on low carb.   Nothing beats a medium, well-seasoned steak, with a side of broccoli, brussel sprouts, greens, or green beans.  Nothing!  I love making soups, chili's, roasts, wings, all kinds of chicken, love fish (but cant cook it to save my life), meatballs, burgers, love to grill....low carb is HOG.HEAVEN. for me.  I get to have all kinds of fruits, and have Atkins Endulge deserts with cool whip for treats.  I can eat at fast food joints,, have rich creams and dressings, and if I die, I WILL DIE LITTLE, FULL AND HAPPY.

Im rarely 100%.  Last night, I had two bite-sized Butterfingers and a handful of fries, on top of what I I usually eat.  And I did not overburden myself with guilt, I was not a failure, and I was aware and logged what I ate.  Some days are harder than others.  Thats LIFE.  But we can do this.  We can.  we can get up, and take it one meal, one moment at a time.  This is my way.  This is the way that works for me, with the added powertool of VSG.  It may not work for others, others may be appalled at the idea of it, and thats OK.  They gotta do what is right for them.  But no poster-toting, calorie-counting judgy mcjudgerson could make me go back to that way of eating.  I love my VSG, I looovee my WOE, and I love ME.

So....this is the part of the journey that reminds me of small children.  After about 2 years old, its no longer cute to announce their age in months.  Saying 33 months old...just doesnt have that same ring.  But some people still do it anyway, and I am invoking that right this entry LOL!  28 months still sounds alright, but after 29 months...just stop me.

Classes are going very well, Im fluctuating around 178-182, kids are doing great in school, Im seeing a counselor to deal with my codependency issues, and...there is a feeling in the air.  That feeling that you get just before graduation.  Anything, and absolutely everything, is just beyond my reach. Its almost here. I can feel it, almost taste it, and the fragrance is sweet. A quiet, certain, assured expectation. It feels good. 

This past week was still hard physically and mentally.  I have been keeping in mind that this is the time of year when my SAD takes hold, and I have had more bread and crackers and empty carbs the past three weeks than I should.  Still keeping up with exercise, at least 4 times a week for an hour. But this past week, every opportunity that I got, when I wasnt studying, in class, or with my kids, I was asleep.  Even when I wasn't doing any of those other activities, I was thinking about two things, eating or sleeping. Granted, Ive had three exams in the past two weeks and one was comprehensive, so extensive studying, and maybe stress that I didnt realize was affecting me. It could also be the combination of stress, aunt flow, and seasonal changes.  Still was weird, but even more bizarre was that I genuinely did not care.  I.did.not.care. It was devoid of anything. I wasnt worried, angry, sad, anxious. Nothing. just...nothing. Its hard to describe, because it wasn't like a vaccuum, not stark & barren emptiness, just...something I cant really articulate.  I was questioning myself, because I felt fatigue, and wondered if thats why I felt so...calm,  but nothing else.  *shrugs*

Goals now are still to be able to go across the monkeybars in one try, maintain with exercise and eating, and have my batwings removed in less than a year. My oldest will be going to college fall of 2014, and I was going to try to hold off until after, but they bother me, and people have a morbid fascination with them that I can do without.  So hopefully spring, after income tax returns ;-)