skylark2011

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It is the end of September already.  Where did the days go? Good things have happened and Ive had to make peace with other stuff.  My children have really noticed the weight loss, and my oldest told me in an awestruck voice 'You actually have abs."  I laughed soooo hard! The facial expression, tone, everything...i was near tears, and it felt good to laugh.  My energy feels like its finally back!! Yay!  Exercise has been going well.  My body is still adjusting though; I've had two visits from Aunt Flow this month - uh....no thank you? It really explained the fatigue and cravings (which I did give in to the night before she appeared  - grapes and tostitos - don't judge me!!!), but threw me off because I was pretty regular no matter what I was doing with my eating.  I hope that twice a month crap does not happen again. Can I get a month with no flow please?Im just sayin' -  the monthly cycles come with cravings, water retention, and mood swings.  Once a month is more than enough Auntie!! One thing that I look forward to though is the drop on the scale after the bleedings done.  Thats always been pleasant, and a nice little gift after all of the trouble - 272.2. woo hoo! 72.3 pounds down. so my new goal for the four month surgiversary is 269.2. 

The uncomfortable stuff -  I've noticed guys checking me out more, and initially I was offended - what are they looking at?!?  I've been accustomed to negative attention -  snickers and complete ignoring, but not second glances and random acts of kindness from the opposite sex for no apparent reason.  I shake my head at it (I'm still the same person) but I am learning to go with the flow and not get too hung up on why, and not get mad when a guy does something that is just kind - not leering, not lewd. And they can clearly see my wedding bands.   I can walk farther and faster than before, and jog a little bit while walking - very little, but its a start.  I have no inclination or desire to run, but time will tell.  Right now it is exhilarating to get up in the morning and go walking, reflecting and breathing that sweet morning air. 

These weeks were a mental & emotional challenge.  I'd been at 283, 282.8, 282.6, 282.8 then 282.2....  I figured it was me, but with the children and my husbands schedule, I couldnt dwell on it too much.  Then I had a bad day, relatively speaking.  I think it was wednesday.  Frustrated and angry, just wanting to go home already.  I was praying and complaining - 'Why am I down here? My family is going through so much to be here, and I just dont see any good coming of it.  Whats the friggin point? I want to go HOME.'  And then I started grazing.  Mind you, it was protein, grapes, and popcorn, but still.  Pepper in doses of MOM to make sure it doesnt stay in my system.  Then more popcorn, then Atkins Bars, then more MOM.  Stupid.  Lots of liquids throughout the day - no alcohol, just drinking to help it all get out.  It was just an emotionally disappointing day, so I just gave it up and went to bed, pouting and disgruntled, with intermittent bathroom breaks. Ugh.  I couldnt even tell you what triggered it.  I was just...too through. Done.  What else is there to say? Even so, I'd committed to working out and added upper body weight training. I did stick to that, though I could not feel any difference in my body. I daresay that I thought I was gaining, but just continued plowing through.  Got on the scale today, and it said 278.4.  I thought it was a fluke, so I stepped on 3 more times, with the same result.  I still dont believe it.  66 pounds post op, 14 weeks. 

That got me wondering...what is really going on here?  Its not time for PMS though Im not sure if Im on a regular cycle yet.  Lord, who really knows?  Was it related to the weight loss?  When I was on a previous weight loss journey, it talked about moods and triggers that were related to certain weight set-points, the hypothalamus, and other participants would talk about how some emotion just reared up out of the blue.  No known trigger. Hmmmm.....

I've been at 283 for about 8 days.  I cant claim a stall - I hadn't worked out since the funeral, and my liquid intake had been low - maybe four cups a day since my return.  Just started back this week adding weights for upper body, so today I am 282.6.  What the heezy?  My halfway mark is 282.25...come on body!!  Work with me!! 

My ultimate goal is 220.  Any loss after that is NY style cheesecake with cherries on top.  You know, the good stuff from the Cheesecake Factory, (or Sam's Club lol)! I would like to shed 30 more pounds by my 6 month surgiversary, making 90 pounds shed post op.  From hereon, that's about 10 pounds a month. Seems doable if I keep up with exercise, good eating, and don't stall.   I'm not trying to compare myself to other people, but I do use this board to track the progress of others so I can kinda see where I should fall in, given age ranges, starting weight and such.  Fellow SMOs were able to achieve about 100 pounds in 6 months time, which is absolutely amazing.  I cant even picture it.  I know Ive written it somewhere before, but man......I haven't seen the 280s in 4 years, the 260s in about 5 years, and I haven't seen the 240s in over 10 years.   I was in college for the 220s and I just knew I was too hot ta trot. I wonder what I will feel when I get there.  I'm keeping my ultimate goal in sight - I'm shooting for the Eagle Nebula, while enjoying the stars I get to visit along the way....

I made it back home last night.  While out of town Aunt Flow found me!!  Certainly caught me by surprise - like that unexpected (and not too favorable) in-law that shows up on your doorstep lol.  My eating was just OK. Not horrendous, but not as good as I'd expected.  In hindsight, I really didn't eat much - no appetite, and there were lots of things that needed to be done for and with the family, and it was emotionally challenging.  Lots of short stories happening and being revived...funerals bring out the best &....not so great.  But everyone was on good behavior in general.  It was an emotional roller-coaster.  My uncles children are so young - 11, 6, and 1.  Its tragic. I don't idealize or idolize him - he was not a good person, but still, the way he died I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  When I got home, I cried some more, parked in the driveway.  Even with all of this, weight loss continues.  283 today.  12 weeks, 61 pounds. 

After I get over my halfway hump, I am going to try to weigh myself every Thursday.  Before surgery, I weighed myself daily and obsessed over the numbers daily.  Even though I only claim 3 or 4 days a week of stepping on the scale, I have stepped on the scale every single day, except for this past week.  It is not good for me, and takes my focus off of other things because the numbers the scale revealed are flashing in my head all day.  Im a scale junky lol.  Sad but true.  So, I am moving the scale out of my bathroom and into the bathroom down the hall so that Im not tempted. 

When people  die, for some reason I expect this cataclysmic occurrence in nature.  Its amazing to me that the world keeps spinning and everything seems to continue without a hitch.  Its reassuring and sad too.  Time waits for no one.  My uncle was murdered, his body wasn't even discovered until three days after the fact in his home by a friend, and I'm going home for the funeral -  the first time since surgery.  I am praying for strength, because it is such a tragedy.  I will be surrounded by sorrow, family, and food.  My grandmother, whose health is borderline, may not survive this for long.  I want to go in with the mindset of being there with and for my family, but not look to food for comfort, so I am going shopping as soon as I hit town. It is also very close to my flow, so I want to be extra prepared.

Its only been 11 weeks, but so much has changed and happened.  Husbands working 14+ stressful hours a day, kids have different demands with school and activities, but I have been able to keep on task and be there for support. Very stressed at times, worried about my husband, my children, trying to keep up with and support everyone physically and emotionally.  It is very demanding and can be very draining. But I'm not stuffing my face like I would have before. Granted, I'm not exercising much either, but the eating habits are a true victory.  I'm 287.4, so that's 57.1 pounds down.  I haven't seen the 280s in at least 4 years.  I may make my halfway point by my 3 month surgiversary, so that would be 62 pounds post op. My uncle is gone, but I must keep living, and living well. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

I was gonna go to the WLS support group tonight, but....nah.  I went hiking at the lake with my girlfriends this morning and it was great. I usually get a siesta in but not today, so I'm more tired than usual.  So...nap or group?  hmmm.....uh...nap!!!  I'll catch them next month.   I am thinking I could make it to 279 by then, and can slap the nurse facilitator with my OH cards...take that biiiiiiiiiooooooottttccchhhhh!!! LOL!  makin it rain with the OH cards on a heffa LOL!!! I am so not that way, but I can fantasize...sigh!

Today marks 10 weeks since surgery, with post-op weight loss of 53.3 pounds.  I'm 291.2 today. These 290s have been hard mentally and emotionally.  I struggle to accept that the weight loss is happening and will continue to happen for me.  I struggle to accept that I am no longer 300 pounds plus.  I haven't accepted any of it really, I just eat what I'm supposed to eat and watch my body shrink.  Now that I am about to move out of the 290s I am starting to think - OK, this is really happening, its not just a fluke.  

After the hike, my friend asked me how much Id lost so I told her, and her jaw dropped!! It was so funny.  She couldn't believe I was that much heavier, and I said I couldn't either.  Ive often been told I carry my weight well, but like another poster said, how well can you really carry 100+ pounds of fat?  Granted I didn't look like other women who were my size and height, but whatever.  She asked more about the surgery, and after i told her about the ghrelin removal and what it does for me she exclaimed THAT'S CHEATING!!!  You would have to know my friend to understand where she was coming from - but she was not trying to offend me she was partly joking cuz we both struggled with our appetites though she is normal weight -  and I took it as such.  I did admit that compared to the cycle of weight loss failure that I was on before, this is certainly easier for me, and I would choose it again in a heartbeat.  She is really supportive of me and just a cool woman.

Weight loss, exercise, and quality of life are good  - so why am i becoming increasingly uncomfortable?  Im doing what Im supposed to do and  it is refreshing to see that my efforts with food and exercise are almost immediately rewarded with a drop on the scale.   I like being able to wear clothes that I havent been able to fit in years.  I like the freedom that my restriction gives me.  But as I continue to successfully lose,  the implications....

Not being judged for being obese is such a foreign concept. This will be new territory.  Not based on what the scale is telling me, I have been here before, but becoming comfortable with the idea that, as good as I look now, the weight loss will continue. The only way to stop it is to knowingly, consciously, and consistently sabotage myself. I would have to choose to fight my body and new tool to stay overweight - and I cant do it.  I can not do it.  Staying overweight wasnt hard at all before surgery, even with exercises and eating well.  It seemed like my body wanted the extra fat back. My mind too.  Being invisible can be a blessing.  I was the worst kind of addict before - the cravings, the yearnings, the guilt, going through simple carb withdrawal and my body all wonky.  I was in such an emotionally & physically precarious state while struggling to lose weight, it was a relief to eat & gain weight.  My body & mind were quiet after getting my food fixes.   It may not be a huge deal for some folks, but it was for me.  It was more than just the food. I hadnt realized how much of my life involved food drama - the thinking of food, planning of food, love for food, fear of food, guilt over food, resignation...happiness of having food. That is deep.   Now it seems my body doesnt need or want a food fix as often (except around my monthly), basically doesnt desire bad stuff (thank you VSG), and less desire means less food drama.   Being food drama free, having people look with curiosity and not disdain, having less body aches and pains...its weird, uncomfortable, and makes me reminisce about the days when I was ignored and "safe" even while knowing I never want to go back there again. So now what? Theres nothing else to do but breathe and go with the flow, while exploring these other things, but it aint easy.  My security blanket got burned in a fire and theres no way to get it back. Even if I could get it back, I wouldnt want it back, and that is somehow kinda sad to me.

297.0 -  47.5 lbs gone post op.  It is good weight loss, but I know it would've been more if I'd kept exercising and eating well.  I haven't worked my plan for the past week and then some -  I called myself listening to my body, and its been silent and/or confused, or maybe ill.    I had a morning last week where I vomited off of applesauce with protein and a little cinnamon, which really threw me for a loop.  Then my little ones have been sick this week, sharing the wealth with each other.  I might have been getting in 40 g of protein, but also had wine and alcohol Sunday and Monday night after going out with friends and going to Sips n Strokes - so much fun!!  It wasn't mindless consumption so I am content with that, and after all the weird random sicknesses and such I really wanted to enjoy my two nights to the fullest.  The coolest thing though, is even though I've deviated, I don't have the 3 to 4 lb water/ weight gain that would've sent me into a nosedive before surgery.  Or maybe I do....It would be awesome to have a 3 pound loss over the next few days.  Im still glad that the scale didnt show a huge leap.

Rambling on...... After visiting different profiles and posts, my goal of 220 is gonna be met (much sooner than i thought) and then some.  Maybe its because I've been overweight for so long, but crossing my legs and shopping in a normal store arent part of any of my goals or dreams.  I dont really care where I shop so long as the clothes are what I want, of good quality, and they are cute. I dont think I ever crossed my legs in life -being a tomboy.  But I was really bone weary of snickers (not the candy bar),  condescending looks, venomous comments, disdain, depression, and my love/hate food & body relationship.  It affected every part of my life. And now that part is pretty boring.  No obsessing over food, basing how much I eat on how much guilt im gonna feel and then eating past that. No more scale punishment and trying to prove that I deserve to lose weight.  No more food related drama. Boring lol!!!!!  So now what? 

Im gearing up for the next support group meeting in my area.  I had fun over the weekend, but now i gotta get back on track so I can do my sleeve proud.  I cant wait to walk in and say Im 2 months post op and lost 50+ pounds!!  I reeeeaallly want that.  Waiting on my OH cards still, so people can learn about this website and see what all their options are.

Its been weird these past few days.  I really haven't had a taste for anything, so I've been eating less than I should.  I am drinking plenty of fluids, taking my vitamins, and exercising.  I don't think its the blues - I don't feel sad over the  turn of events since the surgery. I don't miss not pining  for all of my comfort foods...at least not yet.  Aunt Flows visiting, and usually I am met with intense cravings for specific things and fatigue, but it wasn't like that at all this time around, though I was tired. 

I didn't want to step on the scale this morning either, because I was fearful & doubtful.  I was afraid that I'd gained weight, even though I've been eating well and exercising, and doubted that the sleeve was still working.  It was completely illogical, but still felt real.  Why?  Because I am struggling with letting go of the ideas (lies) that: 1) Nothing works for me, 2) I am inherently doing something wrong, or 3)  I just don't deserve it, so why should it work?  I cant describe it fully, but maybe other folks are familiar with this feeling.  I almost walked away from the scale, but if I had, then those thoughts would have planted in a small dark corner of my mind, and maybe grew.  So I stepped on the scale, and I am 299.2.  I know this is good, its exactly what I wanted, but because of the head-screwing, I didn't feel good. I was confused for a minute, not believing what the scale showed, so I stepped off and on again with the same results.    As excited as I was about reaching this weight a week or so ago, you would think I'd be cartwheeling all over the place. 

Warning - this is a TMI post!!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

I am a little over 40 pounds down (304.2), moving out of some of my favorite jeans that I just cant give up yet (no matter how many times I hitch them up), and just happened to cup my cheeks today and they are getting squishy! I am used to having firmer buns, so this feeling was unexpected, and I kept squeezing them!! It didn't change anything but I was giggling soooooo hard.  ANYways, I'm trying to get comfortable with the sensation - they don't look much different, and I can see a smaller me in the mirror. Have any other women experienced 'the sbs' ? Its not getting flat just....well you know lol.

My energy is on the upswing, woohoo!!  Still holding off on weight lifting til school starts...but I am eager to start.

Update 7/28 - weight 301.6. Un.friggin.Real!! I am actually going to make my July goal.  I feel dazed and...h...h...happy.  I walked/hiked 3X last week, which was less than I normally do, but I was extremely tired last week.  This week is much much much better, I hope I'm over the fatigue hump now.   Tomorrow is my birthday!!! Go skylark, its ya birthday lol!  I'm not expecting anything, because this surgery was my birthday present from my dear husband and precious little ones, and it is the gift that keeps on giving. I'm so thankful and grateful. Glad to still be in a state of happy relief.