Vinasu
Month 6
Feb 14, 2017
Milestones:
-5 pounds
CW: 149
Size 6
Well, I am in a size 6 in all of my pants, except for the Old Navy jeans, which run a half-size large. I have 4s in those. At first, I thought it was a fluke. I got Old Navy jeans in 6, and they fit a bit loose (you can tell in the pic with the green sweater). I figured it was vanity-sized. Then, I got two more jeans in 6s, Gap slacks (the gray ones in the picture), J. Crew slacks, Banana Republic skirt, and they all fit. It’s hard to accept that it’s my size.
It’s crazy—I never imagined being this small. Every single time I put my pants on I think, ‘These are tiny clothes. I’ll never get a thigh in one of these!” Then, they slide right on. I maintain my disbelief right up until I button them. Then, I check the mirror knowing that it can’t be right. When I look in the mirror, I still look fat to me. I am a savant at picking out all of my flaws. I feel like even when I get to goal weight this is going to be an ongoing issue for me for a while, until I learn how to deal with it and to recognize myself as I am. Intellectually, I know that I am smaller than the average American woman, and I look fine. Emotionally and mentally, though, I still have huge self-esteem issues that are going to take time to resolve.
My shirts are still mediums, though. C-cups don’t fit in smalls (Thank God I kept the boobs!). Dress shirts are particularly frustrating since if they fit the waist, there is button gap at the chest. It’s a problem I’m happy to live with, though. :-P
I’m including a picture of my skin. I will definitely need plastics, but I knew that from the outset. If the skin is the price of admission, though, it’s completely worth it.
I think I experienced dumping this month, but there is one caveat: I wasn’t eating fat, sugar, or carbs. My daughter and I went to a Mexican restaurant we love. I always order the huevos rancheros: marinated flank steak covered with eggs and salsa. Anyway, they have a salsa bar with grilled jalapenos. While waiting for our order, I ate two of the jalapenos. I have eaten them more than once since surgery with no problems. This time, however, as soon as I ate them, I felt awful…beyond awful. I suddenly felt light-headed and shaky, like I was going to pass out. My entire digestive system was cramping. I ran into the bathroom and nearly lost control of my bowels. I wasn’t sure I could stand well enough to get off the toilet. My daughter (who’s 12) was freaking out. I staggered back to the table and drank water, a whole glass. I figured that this was one time I wanted to wash the food down as quickly as possible. Water really helped. It took about half an hour until I was able to stand on my own. I was unable to eat for the rest of the day, but I was functional again. Holy cow, I never want to feel like that again. It was terrible. If that’s what dumping is, I’d never eat sweets again either.
This month has been frustrating. Weight loss has slowed. Part of it is getting close to goal. Part of it is me.
I’ve really screwed up. I have had an incredibly stressful month, and it shows in my weight management. My husband lost his job. I started a new, stressful one with a really long commute. My husband fell off the wagon, so we fought. He is also sitting at home, while I’m leaving for work at 5:30 every morning, but he still expects me to do the child care, the house work, and everything else. I hit a breaking point.
The old food compulsions came back with a vengeance. When it happens, I think about a food—it doesn’t even have to be something I like, just something in the house or otherwise accessible. Then, I cannot stop thinking about it, dwelling on it, until I eat it. Like I said, it doesn’t have to be something I like. I’ll find myself eating something and thinking, “This is disgusting…” I haven’t had the compulsions for a long time, but it’s fairly obvious they are a product of stress. I had one really, really bad day when I ate everything: candy, pizza, wings, sausages, bread. If it was bad for me, I ate it. Fortunately, I’ve managed to contain the worst of it to that one day. I’m trying to dust myself off and get back on track.
In the meantime, I had a Come-to-Jesus with my husband, and he agreed to a) go back to the doctor for the alcoholism (He needs to refill his naltrexone), b) take over the household chores while he’s out of work and split them evenly when he finds work again, and c) work on his resume. He’s a really good man, but neither one of us is stellar under stress. I go to food, he to drink. Sometimes, I feel like the Springsteen song, “Well, our luck may have died, and our love may be cold, but with you forever I’ll stay…” Other times, I am overwhelmed by my love for him. We’ve been together for 18 years. There is no one else for either of us.
I’m working on better ways to deal with stress, and ways to curb evening eating. Those are my weakest points. Next month is going to be great. I am 8 pounds from normal weight, and 18 pounds from goal. The great thing about my new job is actually the fact that it’s quite a bit more regimented than my old one. It means that I have to eat at exactly the same time, for half an hour, and there is no room for snacking. It means I just need to really maintain control in the evenings.
Photo time!
So, yeah....loose skin. Eww. Still sooooo much better than fat. BTW, I will never show my face on this site because all of you have seen everything else.
Obligatory month progress shot:
Me, clothed. Much better!!!! There's a full-length mirror at work. I'm not sure why my hand is always on my hip, as if I were constantly impatient.
