zimmersdreamer
the feeling of defete...
Jan 31, 2010
This past week has been a downward spiral to where all I feel is defeat. Logically I know I'm not, but it feels that way.
Tue- we had our Dr appointments.
My youngest is underweight, my oldest is over weight...that concerns him. and I am morbidly obese (BMI41) to which he is testing my thyroid, glucose and sending me to a dietitian. I tried to explain to him that I KNOW what my "problem" is and we just need to figure out how to fix it, I tried to talk surgery, I tried to talk...He didn't seem to want to listen. He came back in the room informing me that my BMI is 41, morbidly obese. (I knew that) and that I should be consuming 1500 cal a day to help loose the weight.... 
Doc! I get maybe 400 cal some days... and 1200 others! what do you suppose I do! carry food in my pocket with a timer that tells me I'm hungry! I forget to eat! I will be starving, and walk to go make food (I work in a bakery!) a salad, as a baker if I hear the ovens go off that is my priority...So on my way to make food the oven goes off, cookies come out, pastries go in bread goes here, bagels prepped here... you get my drift, by that point an hour passes and I have once again forgotten to eat!
Wed. My youngest 3rd birthday. In lue of gifts (after all Christmas was a few weeks ago, she still hasn't played much with the toys anyway) we hosted a DORA party at her daycare. because of this I got NO sleep, played with 20 2-3yr olds and forgot again to eat! went to work that night and had to get packed for my vacation, after mom not so suddlely told me to go, she pointed out I was just a "expensive booty call that pays her own fare!" So I didn't want to go , I beat myself up because I have been a door mat for a man for 8 years before I left him just last Aug. I am head over heels in love with the other guy (the one I'm visiting) He is my high school sweet heart, and he just came back in the pic 3 1/2 years ago. sigh...looooooooooooong story one day I will bore you with it.
So Fri I spent all day packing cleaning my cloths and errands as well as trying to sneak a nap in there..again I ate 2 meals but forgot to eat much...
Fri, Sat and Sun is what killed me 3 days 3 meals each day all fast food... well eating out cause olive garden and Sonnys is not fast food. I got plenty of exercise to compensate
but.... No weight lost. (I didn't expect there would be)
Sun (the piece de resistance) was a baby shower for a friend that I was told a week ago that I was to host the games. I was under the impression it was from 11-2 So I would leave and be home in the same day, I said my good byes to the guy (this time it was a final good bye not just "see ya next year" he just doesn't know it yet) hosted a baby shower that lasted till 530pm! and got an ear full about how my 5yr old (the oldest of my 2 daughters) didn't want to wear pants in 10 degree weather, she wanted to wear a summer dress. Apparently when I asked to have the clothes that I washed folded, I was ignored. Apparently no one found the cloths I had laid out on the dining room table...apparently it is ALL MY fault there is cloths scattered my bed room floor that I share with the 3&5 yr old. (when I left all cloths were picked up) Apparently I am not doing enough around the house and It is my fault that the house looks like it has been ransacked by bulls! I should have known that going on a "vacation" was a BAAD mistake! I think I am done ranting!
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Tue- we had our Dr appointments.
My youngest is underweight, my oldest is over weight...that concerns him. and I am morbidly obese (BMI41) to which he is testing my thyroid, glucose and sending me to a dietitian. I tried to explain to him that I KNOW what my "problem" is and we just need to figure out how to fix it, I tried to talk surgery, I tried to talk...He didn't seem to want to listen. He came back in the room informing me that my BMI is 41, morbidly obese. (I knew that) and that I should be consuming 1500 cal a day to help loose the weight.... Doc! I get maybe 400 cal some days... and 1200 others! what do you suppose I do! carry food in my pocket with a timer that tells me I'm hungry! I forget to eat! I will be starving, and walk to go make food (I work in a bakery!) a salad, as a baker if I hear the ovens go off that is my priority...So on my way to make food the oven goes off, cookies come out, pastries go in bread goes here, bagels prepped here... you get my drift, by that point an hour passes and I have once again forgotten to eat!
Wed. My youngest 3rd birthday. In lue of gifts (after all Christmas was a few weeks ago, she still hasn't played much with the toys anyway) we hosted a DORA party at her daycare. because of this I got NO sleep, played with 20 2-3yr olds and forgot again to eat! went to work that night and had to get packed for my vacation, after mom not so suddlely told me to go, she pointed out I was just a "expensive booty call that pays her own fare!" So I didn't want to go , I beat myself up because I have been a door mat for a man for 8 years before I left him just last Aug. I am head over heels in love with the other guy (the one I'm visiting) He is my high school sweet heart, and he just came back in the pic 3 1/2 years ago. sigh...looooooooooooong story one day I will bore you with it.
So Fri I spent all day packing cleaning my cloths and errands as well as trying to sneak a nap in there..again I ate 2 meals but forgot to eat much...
Fri, Sat and Sun is what killed me 3 days 3 meals each day all fast food... well eating out cause olive garden and Sonnys is not fast food. I got plenty of exercise to compensate
but.... No weight lost. (I didn't expect there would be)Sun (the piece de resistance) was a baby shower for a friend that I was told a week ago that I was to host the games. I was under the impression it was from 11-2 So I would leave and be home in the same day, I said my good byes to the guy (this time it was a final good bye not just "see ya next year" he just doesn't know it yet) hosted a baby shower that lasted till 530pm! and got an ear full about how my 5yr old (the oldest of my 2 daughters) didn't want to wear pants in 10 degree weather, she wanted to wear a summer dress. Apparently when I asked to have the clothes that I washed folded, I was ignored. Apparently no one found the cloths I had laid out on the dining room table...apparently it is ALL MY fault there is cloths scattered my bed room floor that I share with the 3&5 yr old. (when I left all cloths were picked up) Apparently I am not doing enough around the house and It is my fault that the house looks like it has been ransacked by bulls! I should have known that going on a "vacation" was a BAAD mistake! I think I am done ranting!
to get to the other side
Jan 14, 2010
Well that’s why the chicken crossed the road! 
but is the grass always greener? Hmm?
Ok so as I attempted turbo kickboxing
the other day I had yet another epiphany, what if I don’t weigh ENOUGH to get the surgery? I am 5' 9" and 270lbs. I border the 40 BMI range. I’m Fat and have no diagnosed co morbidities.
I have a STRONG family history. My grandfather was in his early 40 had a heart attack and died. My uncle (on my mom’s side) died also in his early 40s with heart disease. (Heart attack) my father 2 years ago with at the ripe old age of 51 had...wait for it... heart attack. He had pulmonary edema and is fighting SSI right now. He also has insulin dependent diabetes; my mom is pre diabetic with metformin (Ok I so can’t spell!) Mom also has sleep apnea. Cancer runs in my family (man why did I ever procreate? Oh yeah I make pretty babies)
SO I am there sweating my butt off and planning another class in 2 days, what happens if I lose too much weight prior to getting the appointment with the surgeon? I am getting my insurance cards in the mail, (just found out I am onMedicaid woo who I guess) I am in the phase where I record my eating, but not watching what I eat. I do end up watching it; I am not beating myself up about it. I’m only a week out so I guess that it’s ok. I am not talking about 15-20 lbs either I am talking about a simple 3lbs. three lbs takes me down to 39.3! Even if my Dr rounds to the nearest whole number, I am just under hence the non co morbidities rant.
Waaah.
Ok growing up now… So I have a few options, I can either forgo the surgery (and yoyo diet yet again) or talk to the Dr once I get a chance. I firmly believe if this is supposed to happen it will!
0 comments
but is the grass always greener? Hmm?Ok so as I attempted turbo kickboxing
the other day I had yet another epiphany, what if I don’t weigh ENOUGH to get the surgery? I am 5' 9" and 270lbs. I border the 40 BMI range. I’m Fat and have no diagnosed co morbidities.I have a STRONG family history. My grandfather was in his early 40 had a heart attack and died. My uncle (on my mom’s side) died also in his early 40s with heart disease. (Heart attack) my father 2 years ago with at the ripe old age of 51 had...wait for it... heart attack. He had pulmonary edema and is fighting SSI right now. He also has insulin dependent diabetes; my mom is pre diabetic with metformin (Ok I so can’t spell!) Mom also has sleep apnea. Cancer runs in my family (man why did I ever procreate? Oh yeah I make pretty babies)
SO I am there sweating my butt off and planning another class in 2 days, what happens if I lose too much weight prior to getting the appointment with the surgeon? I am getting my insurance cards in the mail, (just found out I am on
Waaah.
Ok growing up now… So I have a few options, I can either forgo the surgery (and yoyo diet yet again) or talk to the Dr once I get a chance. I firmly believe if this is supposed to happen it will!
the I in ME
Jan 14, 2010
I could bore you with the "I’ve been fat all my life..." story and sadly its true but I won’t.
Instead I will start this "journey" of blogging with my epiphany. I am not fat because I am depressed; I am depressed because I am fat.
I am a fit woman in a fat suit!
I thought about it long and hard. I have issues looking into mirrors, not because I don’t like what I see, and sometimes I don’t, but because I don’t recognize what I see. In my minds eye I am thinner. In all (ALL) my dreams I am thinner. I look at a space and see that I should be able fit, and in my mind I do but I physically don’t. I see myself in clothing that just doesn’t fit my body type. That’s what makes this so hard. I just don’t feel like I belong in my skin. I can relater to transgender people. I feel like there is a mistake, Im not supposed to have all this extra weight. I’m supposed to be thinner.
I feel like a failure.
That’s how I beat myself up! I tell myself that I don’t deserve something that I have worked SOO hard to earn but I still feel that I am worthy.
I work out, and 3-5 days a week I don’t eat much, similar to what size portions that I would have should I have a LAP-BAND®®. But its that 2-3 days that kill me. I eat “normal” portions, or eat because I’m bored, Sad, angry, PMS-ing… ect. you know the drill. My DR 15 years ago explained it as I go through “starvation” mode and my body holds on to every cal it can. That means even if I diet, the week after I stop I will gain it all back on!
I am an odd ball I love to work out. I love the rush I feel after. I forget to go to the gym. I make excuses like I don’t have childcare, I’m not going to get any sleep yadda yadda yadda. (I work overnights so it is difficult on days when I don’t have childcare) I have always thought that I can do this! All I need to do is go to the gym. I would dream of an event, for example my graduation, and would say OK it’s a month away. I could easily loose 30lbs in a month. I just have to … then I would “fall off the wagon” one meal, then that would turn into one day ect. That would depress me to the point I would not only give up but I would hate the event.
Sometimes even cancel (things like a trip to the beach or vacation to Puerto Rico)
It was very recent that I have even thought about the LAP-BAND®®. Mom has been pushing this on me forever, always saying that she wishes she qualified to have it done. I had always turned her down as well as the idea because after all the DR said my issue was not that I ate too much but that I often didn’t eat enough. It all happened the day that I talked to the Girl Scout leader. She hadgastric bypass . This was not a surgery though for someone who loves to work out. I told her my “problem” and she said that was her problem too.
Her Dr said that this will make you hungry when you forget to eat, and will restrict the meals you DO eat. So I looked into it.
I searched many message boards and read a few blogs to see if there was anything that would be a deal breaker. No alcohol,
I don’t drink. No smoking,
I don’t smoke. No carbonation, until a few months ago I didn’t drink soda. No caffeine, now this one may kill me, I am addicted to my espressos but I guess that if I lost the weight and had energy I wouldn’t need them, and the occasional decaf coffee for taste maybe. (though I can’t stand decafL) there isn’t much else that I could think of that would keep me from getting it done except that fact for me (and I stress for ME not you!) it feels like Im throwing in the towel. I feel like I cant do it any other way I guess I have to get banded.
Here is the catch, although there is a mandate in IN for insurances to cover bariatric surgeries, My insurance does not cover it.
So there is road block number 1. I did find out that I am on Medicaid. So I guess that will cover it (I know the Medicaid insurance covers it but I always feel guilty for having it and even more for using it.) Now all I need to do id get a surgeon to look at me and call me a candidate!
I will update you all later so for now
Keep Dreaming Some Dreams Come True!
0 comments
Instead I will start this "journey" of blogging with my epiphany. I am not fat because I am depressed; I am depressed because I am fat. I am a fit woman in a fat suit!
I thought about it long and hard. I have issues looking into mirrors, not because I don’t like what I see, and sometimes I don’t, but because I don’t recognize what I see. In my minds eye I am thinner. In all (ALL) my dreams I am thinner. I look at a space and see that I should be able fit, and in my mind I do but I physically don’t. I see myself in clothing that just doesn’t fit my body type. That’s what makes this so hard. I just don’t feel like I belong in my skin. I can relater to transgender people. I feel like there is a mistake, Im not supposed to have all this extra weight. I’m supposed to be thinner. I feel like a failure.
That’s how I beat myself up! I tell myself that I don’t deserve something that I have worked SOO hard to earn but I still feel that I am worthy. I work out, and 3-5 days a week I don’t eat much, similar to what size portions that I would have should I have a LAP-BAND®®. But its that 2-3 days that kill me. I eat “normal” portions, or eat because I’m bored, Sad, angry, PMS-ing… ect. you know the drill. My DR 15 years ago explained it as I go through “starvation” mode and my body holds on to every cal it can. That means even if I diet, the week after I stop I will gain it all back on!
I am an odd ball I love to work out. I love the rush I feel after. I forget to go to the gym. I make excuses like I don’t have childcare, I’m not going to get any sleep yadda yadda yadda. (I work overnights so it is difficult on days when I don’t have childcare) I have always thought that I can do this! All I need to do is go to the gym. I would dream of an event, for example my graduation, and would say OK it’s a month away. I could easily loose 30lbs in a month. I just have to … then I would “fall off the wagon” one meal, then that would turn into one day ect. That would depress me to the point I would not only give up but I would hate the event.
Sometimes even cancel (things like a trip to the beach or vacation to Puerto Rico) It was very recent that I have even thought about the LAP-BAND®®. Mom has been pushing this on me forever, always saying that she wishes she qualified to have it done. I had always turned her down as well as the idea because after all the DR said my issue was not that I ate too much but that I often didn’t eat enough. It all happened the day that I talked to the Girl Scout leader. She had
Her Dr said that this will make you hungry when you forget to eat, and will restrict the meals you DO eat. So I looked into it. I searched many message boards and read a few blogs to see if there was anything that would be a deal breaker. No alcohol,
I don’t drink. No smoking, I don’t smoke. No carbonation, until a few months ago I didn’t drink soda. No caffeine, now this one may kill me, I am addicted to my espressos but I guess that if I lost the weight and had energy I wouldn’t need them, and the occasional decaf coffee for taste maybe. (though I can’t stand decafL) there isn’t much else that I could think of that would keep me from getting it done except that fact for me (and I stress for ME not you!) it feels like Im throwing in the towel. I feel like I cant do it any other way I guess I have to get banded. Here is the catch, although there is a mandate in IN for insurances to cover bariatric surgeries, My insurance does not cover it.
So there is road block number 1. I did find out that I am on Medicaid. So I guess that will cover it (I know the Medicaid insurance covers it but I always feel guilty for having it and even more for using it.) Now all I need to do id get a surgeon to look at me and call me a candidate! I will update you all later so for now
Keep Dreaming Some Dreams Come True!
