Question:
— Virginia N. (posted on October 24, 2003)
October 24, 2003
This is a great question. I'm 21 years old (was 19 when I had surgery). I
can honestly say that I've always had a boyfriend. One of my serious
boyfriends, Aaron, I dated when I was about 375 pounds and I can honestly
say that he loved me for me. He wasn't overweight at all. In fact, he had a
great body. In the long run, it didn't work out between us because I moved
away for college, but not because of the weight. Since I've lost most of my
weight, guys pay so much more attention to me. I have to problems finding
guys, but I find it very difficult to find a lasting relationship. It seems
like now, the men I meet just want a sexual relationship. Where as before,
the guys who were interested in me actually liked the real me. I've had a
much harder time with relationships since I've lost weight, believe it or
not. I still want to lose 30 pounds but I'm very happy with the surgery. I
wouldn't change a thing. I've learned a lot about guys and the way they
think. But yes, the "fat girl" can get a very wonderful man. And
a good man will love her for her, not for her body. Aaron did care about my
happiness and health and supported my decision, but he did love me at my
low point. So did a few other very wonderful boyfriends.
— Sarah K.
October 24, 2003
I have had a couple guys in my life but they werent anything serious. I
however do feel the same way as you i can honestly say i do believe that
you have to be thin to get a man, i am very outgoing and personalable but
that never helped me. If those ladies had a good man who didntg care if
they were fat or not then please tell me how you found them. I weighed 275
and now 3 months post op i am 205 lbs and i still feel like men are looking
at me and say ewwwe look at the fat girl. I also wondered if it was just me
but i am glad that i am not the only one who feels this way.
— Purplerose12
October 24, 2003
Maybe you listened to all those older people who instilled in you that you
were nothing without a man. I was lucky enough to have family who thought
I was wonderful and that made it easier for me to believe it. Lack of
self-confidence is tied to being overweight. I have known men who would
only date large women. A friend of mine told me that he hated it when I
would lose weight. So, yes, they are out there. So concentrate on being
the best person you can be whether 300# or 120#. I went to a psychologist
years ago and the best thing I learned from him is "I love myself just
the way I am". Men may come and go, but you always have to live with
yourself.
— lharbison
October 24, 2003
No you do not have to be thin to find love!!!! A lot of it has to do with
your attitude about yourself. I never had a date or a boyfriend until I was
35...why...I thought because I was fat. What changed? My attitude about
myself. It took some therapy and soul searching but I did it. I decided
that I mattered and that I was ok..even if I was 200 pounds over my ideal
weight. I jumped in with both feet and dated my fool head off. I met some
great guys and some real turkeys (thin women go through the same thing). I
had to kiss a lot of frogs, but I finally found a lasting love. We have
been together for 4 years now. I met him a hundred pounds less than I was
just before my surgery 3 weeks ago. I did not do the surgery for him or for
my looks, I did it for my health. He actually prefers women with "meat
on their bones" and I know a lot of men out there do. You and others
are falling into that Hollywood induced trap of if your not a size 2 you
are worthless and can't get a decent man. How did I meet men? Well despite
all of the horror stories about stalkers on the internet I met them from
the internet. Of course I wasn't going around giving out my address and the
like. I did things in a safe way by only meeting after talking for a some
time and always doing things in public places. Once I started meeting men
that way, I also found other ways to meet men. It took some work, but I
found what worked for me. You can find what will work for you. In other
words, you do not have to wait to be thin to find a man. If you think you
have to be thin to find one, then what if you get thin and don't find one
right away, will you feel like a failure? Basically what I am trying to say
is go out and live life, thin or large doesn't matter. Even if you never
find your true love you can honestly say at the end of your life that you
were out there looking and not hiding in the closet when he passed by! Good
luck.
— Debbie B.
October 24, 2003
There are very wonderful men that will love you for who you are (speaking
from personal experience). Your attitude towards yourself... your body
language (is it "closed" or "open and inviting")will be
what attracts or repels a man. Think about it... what is attractive to us?
Do we like a man who has all the "looks" in the world but has a
dud personality, or do we like men who have personality, loves life, sense
of humor, and self assured and maybe average looking? He may even have
some extra weight, but if they express a love of life and are not self
absorbed, I will most likely be very attracted to him. Ask yourself that
question. Most men with any depth will look beyond our fat and want to be
with us, if we want to be with ourselves. I think I speak for a lot of
women, not just MO women. God bless you!
— Happy I.
October 24, 2003
I have to tell you, my husband told me that he married me not because of
the size of my body, but because of the size of my heart. There are some
really wonderful men out there!
— Frvsnt O.
October 24, 2003
I have been single pretty much since 1991. I lost a bunch of weight in '92
and got remarried in '94. We went through some rough times and I went into
a depression and gained about 50 lbs. My husband constantly told me I
needed to lose weight and said he was embarrassed to be seen in public with
me. Well needless to say, I got rid of that loser less than a year and a
half after we were married! That was in '95. After that, my self esteem was
really low when it came to the opposite sex. If I did not love myself the
way I was, how could I expect anyone else to? Slowly but surely I have
found my self confidence again. I took the time to really do some soul
searching, and made sure to get to the point where I am very self-reliant.
I have lost the majority of my weight (21 lbs to goal) and I am thinking
about dating again. This time around I will not settle for anyone but my
equal. He has to be caring and compassionate. I do not need a man to make
me feel fulfilled as a woman, but would like one for a companion. Part of
my attitude probably has to do with maturity (aka getting older!). I'm
content to be by myself and would rather be alone than put up with the crap
I have in the past. Barb 235/151/130
— Barbara C.
October 24, 2003
I have to say that I am one of those lucky girls to have someone that loves
me for me. Although when I first met him he had a bumper sticker on his
car that read "NO FAT CHICKS" and I remember thinking to myself,
"Well, I'll never date him." Not only did I date him, but
married him. I really feel that someone was watching over me. Prior to
him, I had no dates. I know it was because of my weight. I'm happy to say
that I have always been blessed with alot of very good friends, alot that I
still have 20 years later, but the guys never gave me a second look. I
would've loved to have met one of those guys that liked heavier girls in
high school. Since I was the only "fat" girl in school the odds
were in my favor!
— JaimeO
October 24, 2003
I met my husband when I was 230 lbs. I went to an all time high of 320
after 5 yrs of marriage. Not once did my husband tell me that I needed to
lose weight, that he was ashamed of me, etc. He is the one in a million
that loves me for who I am. He loves me for who I am, even when I cannot
(which is all too often).
— SarahC
October 24, 2003
So much of this really is mental. I remember my parents telling me, when I
was a kid, how sad it was when my aunt and uncle split, because my aunt was
over 40 years old and would therefore not ever find another husband at that
age (he would have no problem, though). I couldn't understand their
attitude, because I thought my aunt was attractive and nice, while my uncle
was a very troubled alcoholic, among other things. They were wrong, of
course -- she did remarry -- but it's funny what we are raised to believe.
I think if you believe you won't find one for whatever reason, odds are,
you won't just because of that belief alone (before you even start going
down the rest of your lists of "reasons"). But, it's heartening
to read the previous posts and realize there are plenty of exceptions to
the "rule" that you were taught, or the "rule" that I
was taught. :-)
— Suzy C.
October 24, 2003
I met my Husband, at about 300lbs, and was married at my high, at 326. He
is everything a woman could want in a man.Loving,caring, and very handsome.
I would have never thought he could ever want to be with a fat person, but
to my surprise, he asked me to marry him. There are men out there, that
don't look at a person just because they are beautiful on the outside, but
really want to be with that person for what they are on the inside. My
Husband has been through this whole wls with me, and has supported my every
move.
True the way you feel about yourself will change when you lose the weight,
but do you really want to be with a man that didn't take the time to get to
know what you have to offer, because he was just with you because of how
you look?
Lose the weight for your health, not to find love. Big Hugs Melody D.
— Melody D.
October 24, 2003
I don't think I ever actually was told a fat girl will never get a man but
it was definitely implied. My mom was dragging me to the doctor for diet
pills as a very young teen, and I wasn't even all that overweight. I don't
know how many times I heard "You have such a pretty face it's too bad
you're over weight." I would think, oh yeah I guess it'd be ok to be
fat if I were ugly too huh? It's not just guys either. I went on enough
diets, and got thin enough off and on throughout life, to know that people
tend to treat you better if you're thinner. Maybe it has something to do
with my attitude too, as some other posters indicated. During thinner
times I might have been putting off a more positive vibe, but I don't think
it was always that. I mean I would get helped a lot faster at a clothes
store or something like that, that had nothing to do with attitude being
presented. I do have a husband who has loved me through fat and thin, but
I met him during one of my thinner periods. So who knows if I would have
gotten the chance to let him fall in love with the me that's me had I not
been thinner when he met me? I grew up "knowing" taller men are
better just from being taller. White people are better than colored
people. Rich people is better than poor. Blue eyes are better than green
or brown. All kinds of things that aren't really true. But we see it
around us all the time. Sometimes it's what the media tells us. Sometimes
it's what "we" are or we wish we were. Thank goodness there are
men and women that can see beyond those things and realize the truth.
Sometimes being heavier helps weed out the losers, since it will be the
ones who can see beyond the surface and be interested in you if you're
heavy. With the exception of those supposed chubby chaser which I never
personally met. LOL But when you're younger it's especially hard to sit
on the sidelines and see your thinner friends all get asked to dance or go
out and you're either sitting alone or going along as the uncomfortable
third wheel. So to answer your question I'm sure you're not the only one
who heard those kinds of things. If a MO person didn't hear it then I'd
say they were either lucky or maybe a little less aware of what was going
on around them. But I also don't think it serves any purpose to postpone
participating in the "mating game." If someone asks you out then
definitely go. You need to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince
anyway, so start kissing now. LOL And being thinner won't solve every
problem either. Lots of thin people have all kinds of personal problems.
Have the surgery to make your body healthier, and work on the mental
regardless of your weight. Best of luck to you. S
— sherry hedgecock
October 24, 2003
Are all women attracted to thin men? I think not! My husband is a
wonderful, attractive and a very active man at 325+ pounds (he was ~275
when we met). Yeah, I like to look at other men, but I must say that I do
prefer a man with some meat on his bones. It definately helps when you
need someone to hold onto. jmo
— Keri P.
October 24, 2003
Hi there, Virginia! I can honestly say, Heck No! I married my 1st husband
and I weighed almost 200 lbs. I remember he said he had always been
attracted to slender women, but found that most were very shallow and not
to his exact liking. Of course, we had been friends for years prior to
courtship and he was the MOST wonderful husband there was. After he died,
I got up to over 330 lbs. Most of my family said I would never find
another man, and low and behold, I got re-married. This husband has always
dated heavier women, in fact, when I hit 250 lbs, I had become the lightest
woman he had been with. He was almost afraid of me getting to his weight
and now that I am 21 lbs lighter than him, it's a new journey for the both
of us. He gets excited to see that I can fit into his clothes. I agree
that you perceive yourself is important and you need to keep reminding
yourself that YOU ARE worthy of being loved.
I also have a sister that is over 500 lbs, she has been MO all her life
and her husband were married for over 30 yrs. He loved her for what he saw
inside and he always said that beauty was overwhelming. They were happily
married till his death and he was always maybe 140 lbs.
<p>
If love comes from our hearts and minds that is what we should look for.
And if a man can't look to those important areas, then they aren't worth a
look from us! Just my opinion, Vi. Open RNY 9/23/02 down 131 lbs.
— Vi F.
October 24, 2003
I have to say that I wholeheartedly DISAGREE with that question. Fat girls
can get men. In fact, as a fat girl that was pratically dubbed the queen of
blind dating, I must have dated 40 different men on blind dates the year
prior to meeting my husband. (for every one that I did meet, I had 1-2 that
I had talked to and discarded and at least one that I had not even bothered
to speak too). I screened them and we would talk for a while before
meeting. some never made it past the talking stage. granted I do think
that I met every loser within a 50 mile radius of my home. LOL I did meet
and date men that had in the past never gone out with a big woman. I told
them up front before agreeing to meet them that I was a plus size lady.
that if they wanted a skinny twig creature that they did not want me. I
had an hour glass figure, just too many hours in my glass. And I would
have to say that after that, I didn't have even enough to fill one hand
that said they did not want to meet me because of my size. When I did meet
my husband after that year of dating, I had decided that I was through with
men. I was tired of dating and was not even open to a relationship. I was
interested in friends, but only very high quality people. Both male and
female. I had got a computer for my birthday and got on line on ICQ
chatline. That was where I met my husband. We chatted that night, and I
wrote him an email as soon as I got offline with him. I think even than I
had a sneaking suspicion that he was the one but would not allow myself to
think or believe it. I started to set different small tests, to see how he
would respond to things that I said. and he passed everyone with flying
colours. a little less than two months later, he flew over to Michigan to
meet me since he lived in Scotland. At that first meeting, I weighed 341
pounds. we were married 7 months and 3 weeks after we met online and I had
lost a bit of weight, but was still at 325 at that time. We have been
married for almost four years now and he watched me struggle, lose about 40
pound on the atkiens, go poof and gain 50 back. he and I both did a calorie
controlled weighing and measuring food keeping diary diet with tons of
exercise. he lost and I gained as well as my health continued to go
downhill. I had gone up in weight to 380 pounds at the time of my surgery
in March of 2003. Presently 7 months later, I am almost 110 pounds lighter
and still losing. He didn't particularly prefer large women over small
ones, in fact I think that he does like the look of thin woman very much.
but the women that he has been involved with long term have all been big.
He is now getting a chance at seeing what life is like with a skinny hot
wife and we are both learning what that means. He has been totally
supportive every step of the way, and has taken great delight in telling a
few of the guys that he works with that his wife is a cover model. LOL I
did a photo shoot and article for a woman's magazine here that will be out
next month about my weight loss. His mates seem quite impressed. so there
are definitely normal men out there that love a women for herself and not
her size as well as women that will date and believe that they deserve to
be loved even when they are bigger. My husband and I are great examples of
this. :-)
— Melisa M.
October 25, 2003
I totally grew up in a family where fat was the worst thing you could be.
It made me feel bad about everything about me, not just the fat. We attract
people with our attitudes towards life and how we feel about ourselves. I
think that the weight can be a barrier but in no way excludes us from
finding great guys. I have read that some women after losing the weight
feel that when they were heavier they settled and are now not happy but I
think we settle for a lot of things when we are morbidly obese. I had men
flirt with me at all weights but always felt so disgusting that I thought
there was something wrong with them. I also wondered about my husband at
times. He truly loved me and was turned on by me at 277 pounds. I hated my
body so much that I wondered if he was just simply losing his eyesight.
When you lose weight you may find a renewed sense of self esteem but I
think the bottom line is that people treat us as we feel we deserve to be
treated.
— Carol S.
October 25, 2003
— zoedogcbr
October 25, 2003
I'm a happily married fat chick :>) and have been for 15+ years. Hubby
met me when I was a fat chick (about 280 pounds) and stuck by my as I
ballooned to over 400 pounds. He was never less amorous at any of these
weights and was always flirting with me, touching me, holding my hand in
public, etc. He told me he loved ME. He is not a chubby chaser and is
thrilled by my losses, but only because he has a more active, healthy,
happy wife, not because I'm getting thin. I'm sorry you avoided the dating
"game"...it was fun!
— [Deactivated Member]
October 25, 2003
when I started dating my husband in high school I was 220 and he was 150. I
have always been heavier then him my highest point was 392 and he's highest
point was 250. I have always been the heavier one. He is now kind of
worried that he will be the "Fat one" soon. But he knows that
won't make any difference to me just like it never made any difference to
him.
When my father was still alive he saw a news show that said fat women don't
get married as often as thin women and have a harder time finding some one.
My father made the comment that he thought that was bs because both his
daughter's where heavey set and they where both married.
— jen091172
October 25, 2003
I don't believe that at all. I have been overweight my whole life and have
had my share of men. My personality attracted them to me and my
"pretty face", I'm sure you've heard that before. I think you
are putting yourself down and others see that. Feel good about the way you
look, no matter what. What you reflect out to others is what they perceive
of you. Even at my heaviest, I walk into a room feeling like a million
bucks. So cheer up and don't let others bring you down. You will find
true love one day, there is someone for everyone. Good luck!
— Kim H.
October 25, 2003
You have to be happy with yourself first before you can be happy with
someone else. If you feel confident, regardless of your weight, that is
reflected by how you carry yourself - and it will be noticed by others.
— jengrz
October 26, 2003
Thanks to all who answered--especially to Chris D. Your thoughts and
experiences echo mine, Chris.
— Virginia N.
October 26, 2003
I was ALWAYS attracted to BIG girls. Sometimes I look at the before and
after photos and think the befores looked better. In all my single years I
only dated one not heavy Gal, and she wasnt skinny.
— bob-haller
October 26, 2003
I think you need to not stress about it too much, I often felt that I was
always rejected because of my weight, it wasn't until I got into the
process of WLS, and had decided I wasn't even going to attempt dating until
I was post op, and what do you know... a great guy comes along and wants to
date me, and I am still pre-op. I think a lot of it has to do with your
self esteem and mood. Until I decided to have surgery I felt pretty
hopeless, and that's not very attactive. Since I made the decision to have
WLS I am hopeful and thus I think that brighter outlook probably made me
more attactive. Just hang in there, it will probably all work out.
Also, there is a lot to deal with going through surgery, and so starting a
new relationship beforehand might not be the best thing. I know I am
getting a bit nutty because of axiety, and it's been a bit of a strain
since I am in a new relationship, luckily he is being patient and
understanding about it, but it's hard.
— Patricia T.
October 26, 2003
I have been heavy all my life.....and I have been dating since 22 years
old. I didn't have any relationships early in life meaning teenage yrs but
had many after that. I think if you think fat you are fat! I have always
tried to dress nicely and treat people like i would want to be treated. If
you have internal happiness you can not help but have it iverflow
externally. My Baby loves me just the way that I am. That's a very popular
song!!
— Mary E.
July 28, 2005
I'm a post-op now, and since I've never updated my profile (for reasons
that have no bearing on this topic), I've decided to update my question.
One of the responses always rankled me ("I'm sorry you avoided the
dating game; it was fun!") because it made it sound as though the
whistle on the "game" had sounded and I would never get a chance
to participate. Well, Ruth, I'm still young. The surprise for me was all
the attention I started getting while I still was (or felt) quite fat.
Suffice it to say, I'm no longer sitting on the sidelines. But I have
mixed feelings about being a participant. Dating is "fun"? For
me, it's better described as "complicated."
— Virginia N.
July 28, 2005
You know..this was/is an issue that has long fascinated me. I'm glad to see
all the opinions here, even if they are 2 years old. I was not obese my
whole life, I was a super jock all through high school. The gain started in
college and went up with pregnancy and a nightmare marriage. In fact, the
day I got married I knew he was not "the one" and I can still
remember the ride home from chicago's city hall (we eloped..I was
preggers..whoops). I cried the whole way home and thought to myself, 'this
is probably all i could get being such a fatass'. I was 23 years old and
knew the day I got married that it was a mistake. Whatta mess. After that
marriage ended, I had one great relationship for 3 years with a guy who
'loved me regardless' as they say but we didn't make it, and in retrospect
I believe it had a lot to do with the fact that he had more faith in me
than I had in myself. Happiness does have to come from within, he couldn't
give me that. He remains the only man I've ever truly loved (outside of my
dad of course)..but i lost him. Anyway, after that i went back to the
thought process that i didn't deserve more than what i got with regard to
men. And honestly, I will put this out there - I do believe there are a
number of men who go after "BBWs" because they know we will put
up with more..that we are (generally) insecure, we'll put out easier,
expect less from them, etc. etc. For like 4 years I dated jerk after jerk,
and I knew they had this mentality and yet I kept falling into similar
situations. Then, like someone else said just prior to surgery I said,
forget it..I'm not dating anyone until after. It was just a few months
after surgery, I was feeling fantastic about myself and suddenly started
dating..I mean really dating as in more than one fella at a time. And I was
of course not sleeping with all of em or anything like that.. just dating,
having fun, not analyzing everything, keeping it light. Out of that, one
guy is still around, the one I CHOSE, the one i felt the best about..not
the one that I felt was all i deserved. And the clencher is totally that I
had a renewed self confidence in myself, and that has made all the
difference in the world. Now if I can just get my psychotic periods to
chill the heck out I could REALLY enjoy this guy ;-) ha ha. Thanks for the
interesting topic! Dating CAN BE complicated...try to keep it light and
simple and just relax..I never used to like it either, but for the first
time (and at 32 years old) being single is a lotta fun.
— ro mama
July 29, 2005
I AM SO HAPPY I CAME UPON THIS POST I READ AND READ AND CAN NOT RELATE TO
ALOT OF THE POST HOW EVER I AM ALWAYS INTRESTED IN LEARNING LET ME START
OFF BY SAYING I AM 24 PRE-OP CURRENTLY 320 STANDING A VERY CUTE 5'4 I AM
AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN VERY CONFIDENT AND SECURE WITH MY SELF I HAVE ALWAYS
CARRIED MY SELF AS SUCH. I AM AND HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WHICH HAS ITS
UP AND DOWNS (NORMAL STUFF) I HAVE BEEN THE BIG GIRL IN MY GROUP ALL OF MY
LIFE I HAVE FOUND COMFORT IN MY BODY ( I AM DRIFTING LET ME GET BACK ON THE
SUBJECT) WHEN A MAN (WOMAN) DOGS YOU OUT OR CHEATS ON YOU ETC ETC. AND YOUR
FAT YOU CAN ALWAYS ALWAYS BLAME IT ON YOUR WEIGHT NOW WHAT ABOUT THESE
WOMAN (MEN) WHO GET CHEATED ON AND OR DOGGED OUT THAT ARE "NORMAL
WEIGHT" WHAT CAN YOU SAY THEN BEING OVER WEIGHT DOES ALOT TO A PERSON
IF ITS MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY (LIKE ME) LOSEING WEIGHT WONT FIX CONFIDENCE
THERE ALOT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ATTRACTIVE WHO HAVE COMPLEX ISSUES LOW SELF
ESTEEM ITS AL MENTAL AND YOU NEED TO GET TO THE ROOT WHICH I AM SURE
EVERYONE HAS HEARD B 4 I LOVE TO EAT GROWING UP THATS THE WAY WE CELEBRATED
WHEN MY DAD GOT A RAIS OR A PROMTION WE ALL WOULD GO OUT TO EAT "ORDER
WHAT EVER YOU WANT" WHEN I WOULD STUDY FOR A TEST SNACK ON COOKIE
CHIPS LIL DEBBIES WHAT EVER WELL I AM SURE SURE I AM BABBLING NOW BUT I
JUST WANTED TO PUT MY 2 CENTS IN
— DEPSWIFEY4LIFEY
May 21, 2007
I agree with mostly all these posts I have read. It does seem like guys go
after BBW's because they think we will put up with more, and some of us do.
I myself would put up with the biggest jerks, just I guess to have someone
by my side. I always thought I had to prove that I could get someone. I
guess it didn't help either that I married a jerk on top of that who in the
end totally broke my heart, but in doing that he really made me take a good
look at myself and I realized that I cannot ask any man to love me when I
didn't love myself. So now I'm not dating and it seems that's when I really
started meeting some really good guys, but I still need to focus on myself
at this stage of my life. I do want to say that I have noticed that many
guys are in to BBW's for freaky reasons, and it seems that sometimes where
just a freak show for them. But on the other hand there are guys out there
who truly love BBW.
— Kimberly30
February 24, 2008
THAT IS NOT TRUE I AM A LARGE WOMAN AND I HAVE NEVER HAD ANY PROB FINDING
ANYONE. THE PERSON THAT I AM WITH KNOW IS IN SHAPE AND I WEIGH 303 AND THEY
LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM AND THEY ARE A SLIM PERSON. SO THAT IS NOT TRUE THAT A
BIG WOMAN CANT FIND SOMEONE.
— renee6942
February 24, 2008
THAT IS NOT TRUE I AM A LARGE WOMAN AND I HAVE NEVER HAD ANY PROB FINDING
ANYONE. THE PERSON THAT I AM WITH KNOW IS IN SHAPE AND I WEIGH 303 AND THEY
LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM AND THEY ARE A SLIM PERSON. SO THAT IS NOT TRUE THAT A
BIG WOMAN CANT FIND SOMEONE.
— renee6942
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