FML: My new normal feels so out of reach...

 So.. Weight loss was just one component of the changes I needed in my life. I was in an unhappy marriage.mwe lived very separate lives. He was a total gamer. Had a sharp temper and treated the kids and I pretty crappy. I was running a business that left me drained and overwhelmed. Weight loss has been ******g cake! It just fell off... Now everything else is coming down the pike. I'm living on my own, closed the business got a great job am dating a new guy who is great, loves my kids and loves me. We do tons of stuff together which I really lacked in my marriage yet I feel like I'm still mourning the loss of my marriage.... One I was NEVER happy in. I don't get it. WTF is wrong with me. I find myself frustrated that my ex is moving on..... Buti have no desire to be with him. My weight is like the only part of all this that makes any ******g sense. Im 31 and starting from scratch. As I sit here scratching my head saying how he **** did this happen.... I realize I WANTED all of these changes, I demanded them, worked for them and yet am overwhelmed by the emotions that come with them. Okay so I've vented..... For those of u who have overhauled ur life through this process.... Did it feel like a manic roller coaster?  On the upside, I'm skinny now right. I don't have a husband ignoring me and I love my job.... Now to close he door on what I thought life would be and enjoy what it is..... New fav quote "to thine own self be true"

 Honestly - I couldn't have said it any better. Except I'm not ******g skinny yet!!! Hahah. But I do feel like I'm on a manic roller coaster that's going a little faster than I am. 

At your weight, you're certainly not fat even if you don't think you're skinny.  I don't know what your ultimate goal is, but take it one pound at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time if you have to.  You will get there and be skinny!  You have done awesome things already!

 Im beyond feeling fat, but I just haven't found any middle ground between fat and skinny. 

I think you nailed it in your last sentence.

You are mourning the life that is gone. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, I'd advise you to take your time and experience it, and understand it.  There was nothing wrong with you or the life you were trying to have.  And to have it all fall apart--it hurts.  It's like a death.  A death of your dreams.  And you know, if your beloved pet dies, you can get a new puppy and be very happy and adore it, but that doesn't made the pain of your loss disappear.

That life was real and your dreams for it were real.  It took strength to take control and change it when you recognized the dreams were not going to happen, and the reality was bad.

But it hurts, and you still hurt, and you know what?  That's okay.  Time will take care of that.

I know how you feel!!!  At least you lost 250# (or whatever he weighs) when you got rid of the ex.  That was one of the best things you did for yourself and your kids from the sounds of it.  My ex was into TV and sports figures and not into eating healthy or doing anything together.  You are MUCH better off. 

As far as weight loss goes, this process without the emotional baggage is a roller coaster ride.  Give yourself some time and I'd definitely get in to talk to someone.  I know it helped me and I still, after 5 years, still find myself comparing men to him.  A comparison that is meant to say "I hope like HELL you aren't like him". 

I was 35 when I started all over in the single life and I was scared ****less.  You want the changes but when it happens it kinda feels like "now what do I do".  You take care of your kids and yourself.  You are already doing that by caring for your health.  The terrific boyfriend is just a bonus!!  It's hard to get over that marriage just like that, but believe me it can be done.  You are so much better than that and deserve much better. 

BTW, are you sure you weren't married to my ex?  LOL 

 My divorce & my WLS took place at very different times, but I completely get what you're going through. My ex-husband is also a gamer. So am I, but I used it to pass the time with friends, and he used it to escape from reality - including me. I was NEVER happy in the marriage. I found out he was cheating on me days before the wedding and my young, dumb @$$ went through with it anyway. You live & learn. But I experienced the same mourning process you're describing after the marriage ended. Even though I had been miserable with him and the future I had looked forward to was utterly bleak, and even though my future was suddenly blossoming with possibilities and opportunities after I was back on my own again, I still found myself mourning the loss of it all for a good couple of years after the split. What I realized after the fact was that I was mourning a LOT of different things all at once, and this was why it felt so confusing at times: I was mourning the loss of who I had been before the marriage, the woman I had allowed myself to be come during the marraige, the future I had expected to have (it wasn't a great future, but hey, it was mine), the opportunities I might never have had if I had stayed with my ex, the idea of the man I thought he was when I married him, the idea of the woman I thought *I* was when I married him...and so on, and so forth.

Essentially, you're rediscovering who you are and who you want to be from here on out: how you want to live and love from now on. It's a lot, and it's overwhelming. And parts of you will be ready to move forward at different speeds. I know how contradictory it feels to not want to be with someone, and yet mourn that he's moved on without you. That's just different parts of you reaching closure before others do - and it's normal. Just stay in touch with what you're feeling and vent all you need! It gets better, and being conscious and mindful of the process and the feelings will only help you reach closure & healing, so good for you for being in touch with all the conflicting, ambiguous, confounding feelings you're having.

It's a little like how the first couple of weeks post-op feel...on the one hand, you're happy and excited and looking forward to the (new & exciting) future (filled with tantalizing promises of the unknown). On the other hand, you're scared and feel bereft of a lifestyle that maybe wasn't making you happy, but allowed you to survive and carried you through the tough times. Those feelings passed as you dealt with them when they came up, and these new feelings will too. Give yourself time and plenty of patience. 

Keep taking care of yourself, girl! 
Somayeh

No real advice from me.. I'm still in the same life, just taking up less space.. but I'm happy (happier actually, internally, with me as I was the only thing that needed some overhauling!)

Sometimes we just formulate what we think our lives *should be* regardless of whether they make us happy, and we try to stick with them till something bigger than us shakes us out of the haze.. and we get a real glimpse of what really *IS*. Then we get mad, sad, dissatisfied.. and hell bent on changing it to suit us and make us happy.

You aren't in that haze of unhappy pseudo-life anymore. Mourn the marriage (as that's something never to be taken lightly, entering or leaving) but don't mourn the man.. does that make sense?

 
INgirl writes:

"I'm still in the same life, just taking up less space......."


So great !!!

frisco

I wish I had advice, but the only thing that comes to mind is the mantra that I've heard so many times before: they operated on our stomachs, not our brains.

Could it be that you were so focused on the weight loss for a while that, now that you have more time to think about the rest of it, it's just catching up with you? Not saying that's a bad thing, but maybe you just need to allow yourself some time to finish healing? I've never been divorced, but I can imagine how painful that must be.

My marriage seems to be going well, for now... but at times I still feel like I'm starting over, and I'm only 2 months post op! I'm having to learn how to enjoy life without my former bff (the food) and having to learn how to deal with the emotions that I used to hide under my plate. So in a way, I think I can relate to part of your post.

I hope any part of what I've said here has made a lick of sense... I'm just rambling at this point. Sorry. But you've come such a long way in such a short time, it's no wonder that the brain and the rest of your life needs time to catch up. You'll get there!