Family Objectionsto WLS

Has anyone had an adult child absolutely against WLS? I have given her my reasons and told  her what I have researched and inviited her to come with me to doctor apt.  She is just not going to be satisfied.  I understand her fear but have told her I need her to be positive for me or we will not discuss it further.  Her reply was I am against it and I will not  stop trying to tell you  how against it I am.  We are  very close and I don't want her to be upset  but I need to do this for me.Any suggestions???

Try bringing you "kid" to a support group or seminar put on by your surgeon. At a support meeting, they can ask questions of other post ops.  At a seminar, the surgery process is explained in detail. Maybe you'll get more support from an "informed child".  If they won't cooperate at all, then I'd highly recommend you find another supportive friend or relative. I know my surgeon will NOT do surgery unless he actually met my supportive person at the last consult before the surgery.   Your first few weeks post op may be very challenging, and you'll need some type of support system. DAVE

Well, you can't make her stop being upset.  If she is worried about the safety of surgery, then she could go with you to an appt or a support group or she could join OH to learn more.  But if she does not want to do those things and prefers to just remain scared instead, I guess you just have to let her.

I would acknowledge her feelings.  "Honey, I can tell you're really worried about this."  Offer to discuss her feelings with her, but not whether or not you should have surgery.  "I am worried" is a feeling.  "I am scared" is a feeling.  "I don't think you should have surgery' is not a feeling.  

If she insists that all she wants to talk about is why she does not want you to have surgery, I would end the conversation.

 Hmmmm.  Does your daughter have any weight issues herself?  Or is she just afraid that you will die on the operating table?  How old is your daughter.

All of my kids support me.  They know that this is for my health and they want me to not die due to any obesity related issues.

Good luck

Just make sure you have done ALL your homework...that you know ALL of the surgery options--there are four right now--and that you have made the BEST choice for you, not just whatever that one doctor said he thought was best for you.

And then tell her you will talk to her again AFTER surgery, since she has said she will not stop trying to tell you that she is opposed to it.

Or...A DIFFERENT APPROACH...lie to her.  Tell her, she's right, all you need is diet and exercise.  And then make your plans without telling her. 

You are not alone. Many of us went through with our surgery despite our family's objections. I didn't have a single person on my side except for the surgeon. My sister told me I would die, my brother was so scared he wouldn't even discuss it and my husband tried not to express his objections but I know he was holding back with effort. Still, I was doing this for myself and I was determined. They all became supportive when they started seeing the weight drop off.

You need to do what is best for you.  None of us come to this decision easily  (at least I did not).  I was lucky,  my sister-in-law had the surgery 3 years ago with no complications so my teens were already exposed to the positive side of the surgery. 

My problem family member was my mom.  Her doctor suggested it for her and she wasn't interested so I already knew where she stood.  I waited as long as possible to tell her.  She told me about a comment she made to her friends that I was having "elective surgery."  I laughed and said I guess you consider it elective since I elected not to die from diabetes.  That was the last  negative comment she has made.  As a matter of fact she has mentioned recently that she thinks my brother needs the surgery too. 

When I faced objection and judgement when I chose WLS, I simply said "what's scarier; me having surgery and gaining health, you putting me in a pine box 10-15 years early?". Those are the 2 options. Least to say, that made them keep their negativity to themselves. I know that's harsh, but in no way would I allow anyone to stop me.

My youngest son (20yrs) was not happy about my decision to have RNY surgery. He was worried about surgical complications, malnutrition and a host of other things. He still supported my decision even though he didn't agree with it.

He still has concerns when I have a grouchy pouch day. He gets really worried that my new stomach is going to blow up.  It comes from his love and concern for his mom. Parents aren't supposed to be vunerable as far as kids are concerned. I suppose having surgery makes you vunerable. We're doing fine now. The farther out from surgery, the less worried he seems to be.

I never asked my kids (they were adults when I had surgery) IF I should have surgery.  I only discussed whether or not I'd go through with it with my husband.  Incidentally, he was scared, but told me he never had to live in my situation, so he couldn't tell me not to. 

I told my kids what I was doing, why I was doing it and explained how the surgery worked, risks, changes I'd have to make for life, etc.  They lost both of their grandparents (my parents) to obesity related diseases at very early ages (my parents were 60 when they died), so they knew what the future held for me.  My son was cool with it.  My daughter was scared to death, and didn't want me to do it.  However, she was still supportive and learned as much as she could about the process. 

Of course now that they all see how amazing my health and life are, they are so glad I did it.

This is about you and a decision you are making to save your life.  If they cannot reduce their fear with education, tell them you love them, and you need to be surrounded by people who will support your decision.  They may put some distance between you for a while, but when it is all done and they know you are safe and on your way to restored health, they'll likely come around.

Wishing you much success on your journey.

Kim