Long Story, But I Need Some Mental Help Desperatly
Hi all you wonderful and inspirational on OH. My name is Gina, and I am 49 years old. I don’t normally post things about myself, but I do answer some post. I have learned a lot of things from everyone on this board that has helped me to get through the past 5 months of my life. So I thank you all. I feel like I need to express a part of my WLS journey on here to see if anyone else has been or is going through what I am going through at this point in my life. One year ago last August, I was a heavy set girl weighing in a 244 lbs. I was a work alcoholic, I laughed, I wore a mask pretty darn well. In 2003 I married what I thought was my soul mate. At the time, he was a recovering alcoholic. I was the money maker in the family, but I knew I loved him and he loved me for who I was, so I thought. We have are ups and downs with his recovery but seemed to get through them. Then that one day in August in 2011, I was out playing volleyball with some friends and had a fall that left me with two dislocated hips, three dislocated ribs, four bulging discs in lower spine and 3 bulging disc in cervical spine. Needless to say, I was unable to walk, sit, stand or lay down. Went to ER where the drugged me up so bad, I did not even know who I was. The next day, I drove around looking and crying for someone to help me. I was in so much pain. I finally found a chiropractor who was so kind to allow me to busted in crying and interrupt his staff meeting to help me. He did x-ray me and put my hips and ribs back into place. I was then able to walk but was still in massive pain. I went home and went to bed. The next morning I got up and apparently I was as high as a kite and proceeded to walk down the stairs and fell landing face first onto my hard wood floors. Back to the hospital I went and end up in a knee brace and again unable to walk, sit, or lay down. I made it to work from August 2011 to Nov 2011 then hard to go out on disability. During the next few months my PCP insisted that I have the gastric bypass surgery to help get rid of the pain in my back, hips and knees. I went to the first meeting and went home scared because I could not comprehend everything that was being said. Especially from being on all the heavy narcotics I was on for all the pain I was suffering. My life went from being fat, happy with a mask on, a work alcoholic, to going at a speed of 100MPH to hitting a block wall and not moving at all. In December of 2011, I had major surgery on my face removing a benign tumor on my salvia gland, to removing three benign tumors from my left breast, to having all my female organs going bye bye. In April of 2012, my PCP again told me that the only way I was going to walk again is to have the surgery. At that time I reached my all-time high of 244 lbs. at 5’8”. So I went to my classes and they were only 1.5 months long from start to finish with all my pre lab work. In June I was scheduled to have my surgery but I ended up having bladder cancer so I had to have another surgery to remove the cancer. This time it was not benign. Surgery for that was June 24, 2012 and then my new surgery date for WLS was scheduled for July 3, 2012. So during a 7 month period, I had 4 major surgeries and about 10 steroid injections in my spine, was on 11 medications, one being morphine patches for over a year, Norco’s, anti-depressants, nerve blockers, ulcer meds, cholesterol meds and thyroid meds and I smoked. All I could think about was why. Why was all this happening to me? So I have WLS surgery on July 3, 2012 and today I am a total of 94 lbs down from the 244 lbs. that I started a week before surgery. Should I be happy, absolutely? Am I happy, NO!! I am scared to death. I cannot seem to clear my foggy head and get rid of this depression I am currently in. My psychiatrist has put me on Adderall and an anti-psychotic medicine to help me sleep but I still don’t sleep. I am still on an anti-depressant and only my thyroid medicine. My problem is my husband. Even though he has been a great support, he still has this recovery issue that has gotten out of control. Binge drinking, binge gambling to the point of now we are losing our home. After 49 years of growing up in a drug and alcoholic induced family living, I feel like I have settled in life for the past ten years with him and I don’t want another ten years of wondering when the next binge is going to hit. The hardest part is he is a program director for drugs and alcohol. So he works the program 10 hours a day, five days a week. I have lost a lot of respect for him and that makes me sad. We went to counseling but I told the therapist that I cannot work on my marriage at this time because I need to work on me first so I can figure out if my marriage is repairable. She asked my husband to seek therapy on his own, but to date, one month later, no attempt has been made. Actions speak louder than words. But there has been no action on his part. Last April I lost many job because of my illnesses which has put a big burden on both of us, but it was never a time that I did not have money coming in. I have always been a very independent woman but now that I am who I am today, I don’t feel like I have to settle for anything because now I don’t have to wear a mask and hide behind 244 lbs. has anyone gone through this? Am I the only person who feels like a freak? Could all the many doses of Anesthesiology and hard narcotics play with my brain so bad that I cannot think straight or concentrate? I am in the process of looking for a job and hoping today’s second interview will give me back the life I once had of being happy and laughing again. I want to be that old Gina that was happy, laughing, playing, loving and not this person that doesn’t have trust in people because of the lies the one person that was supposed to love me has been telling me for the past ten years. All I want to do is run, run, run. At this time in my life, I cannot make any rash decisions. I have lost my faith in God at this time, or I should say I keep questioning him. I need me back really bad. I know this is long, but I really need some help here. I normally do not share my problems, but I figured you all have gone through many trials during your WLS and conquered them. I am hoping someone can lead me in the right direction as to clearing this head and having confidence in myself once again. Thank you for reading my long story. I am sorry, but maybe getting this out will help me to feel a little better.
PS. Every single one of you on this board is such and inspiration to me. Pre- ops and Post - Ops. I couldn't be more proud than all of you on here that has or will be starting the journey. EVERYONE IS SO AMAZING AND SO VERY BEAUTIFYUL. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND BEAUTIFUL LIKE ALL OF YOU! THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS POSTING.
I really wish I could reach out and hug you right now! I'd say it's God's intervention that has you surviving all of these things you keep stumbling upon. For all of that, I do understand your fear of yet another medical procedure, by will instead of by emergency. It's not pleasant, but I have a feeling you've encountered worse already, so I'll leave you with that, and a prayer that you'll come out of this a strong, independent fireball with a new sense of self.
Valerie
DS 2005
There is room on this earth for all of God's creatures..
next to the mashed potatoes
Thank you Valerie. I know God has or had a plan for me, just couldn't sit tight long enough to hear it out. Yes, I am over the worse of my health problems, Thank You God. Now if I can just get thru this mental block. I guess all my self worth or lack of is now coming out and trying to figure out who i really am with out all that body protecting me. It is so weird to me. I have always been strong, at least I thought I was until now. But with the help of God and all the counseling I go to, I hope to get over this hump very soon. Thank you for your encouraging words. I so needed them. Take care and thank you.
Gina,
You are one STRONG woman. I was appalled just reading over the medical problems you have endured. So many, and yet here you are, still fighting. It may take time to dig out from under the depression and despair you are feeling, but you will do it. The right job will come your way, some financial stability will be built up, and you will be able to make a reasoned decision about your marriage. Keep going to your counseling, keep faith in yourself for you are strong and capable, and keep coming back here for support and comfort.
Many hugs, Kathy
Sorry to hear of all the stuff that is happening in your life. I too after getting the surgery....lost a marriage. Had to file BK.He left me with every bill we had, cleared out the house when we where gone to Waterpolo games for daughter. Never saw it coming at all.
My husband was a drunk as well. Blamed me and called me fat names all the time, and then after I lost all my weight, he left me for a fat girl, and then has got married and is having a baby~ I do have one child with him and she is 19. And she stopped talking to me cause her dad bribes her with stuff. I have lost my home as well, and had depression issues as well. I now have no health insurance so if if get hurt I am screwed. I have since been dating a wonderful guy that loves me and never tells me anything about my weight. I have gained 25 lbs since dating this guy, but have lost 10 of it recently after buying a scale and eating more protein. So I say stick in there....be strong....i did and I am still going strong....best of luck and think positive~
I surely understand the depression from so many surgeries. I went thru 13 or so (lost count) over a 5 year period including breast cancer so I know the feeling. You get so used to being laid u and counting on others for help that you do lose who and what you are. Trust me you will come thru it eventually! You are like a moth changing into the butterfly. It is a painful experience but in the end you will emerge the beautiful butterfly once you get thru the change!! Hang in there and keep with your counceling to help you thru and God will bring you thru it!
Batwingsman · 4 replies · 1330 views