Forgiving yourself isn't easy
There are many things in my past that I need to ask for forgiveness for but I am not sure how to forgive myself. Forgive myself for getting out of control with my weight, with alcohol, with being impatient with others, for saying words to others I immediately wish I could take back. For not taking the career path I should have. The list goes on. I wish I could have a do over. I would change a lot of things.
I consider every morning a do over opportunity. Many years ago I set a goal to read one self improvement book a month. Now I am more likely to read articles on the internet than to buy books. But each day is another chance to learn more and to do things right.
Real life begins where your comfort zone ends
You don't give yourself enough credit for how far you've come. You are taking the appropriate actions to see that change is necessary. No one has a path they "Should" take. No one knows that. You are learning from your past in order to better your future. You now know "what doesn't work for you". Make strides in coming to THAT realization. In my opinion, everything happens for a reason. It happened... cool... thankfully, you know it's in your past and history won't repeat itself.
Pick that chin up, it's easier to see the future when you are looking ahead
I too feel very much the same way you do T... I look at ( most ) of my past choices and wish I had a chance to do over . But hindsight is always perfect .
I think the pain I suffered comes out in my art and makes it very relatable.
I don't exactly understand that process - why does one plain- aire painting of peonies in the garden resonate with emotion that these flowers will die in a week and not be able to return for another year that light and this beauty is literally just a precious moment in time that we usually don't even acknowledge ...versus a painting of the same exact subject that might have taken much more effort to make that looks wooden and static?
Thats art. And please believe me on this count- the many years of emotional pain and absolute frustration that no matter what I did it hardly helped enhanced my acting, my painting and sculpture and even my singing which I'm not particularly talented at.
I also feel that the doors that are opening now may be far more interesting and significant than had they opened at the " usual " times . And truth be told, even if I was the most beautiful and talented little grrll in the world ( which of course I wasn't remotely ) my thoroughly self absorbed and selfish and busy parents would never have devoted the time to letting me do child auditions.
My Great Aunts even begged for the chance to take me to auditions in New York City where they lived and were turned down flat by my parents who thought only of keeping their free housekeeper.
The Chinese say its better to be LUCKY than Smart or Talented ... lol