Relationship/marriage advice :-(
I have posted about this before, but it was several months ago...
DH and I have sepereated... he really wants to get back together, but I really don't think it is for the best, for any of us... we have a 4 year old daughter.
I am still pre op, I see the surgeion for the first time this week, but this isn't about the suergery so much as many, many years of problems...
I don't even know what to say, I am just feeling really emptional about it all today... this really suscks :-(
I just can't imagine him changing in any meaningful way for any real amount of time... but I really don't take divorce lightly :-(
When I read all of the posts about people feeling uncomfrtable/unrest in thier relationships has they get healthier I can't help but think that we are even more doomed... I want to get helthy for myself and my daughter... he just feels like a liability... which he has felt like for a long time...
Sorry to be such a downer :-(
DH and I have sepereated... he really wants to get back together, but I really don't think it is for the best, for any of us... we have a 4 year old daughter.
I am still pre op, I see the surgeion for the first time this week, but this isn't about the suergery so much as many, many years of problems...
I don't even know what to say, I am just feeling really emptional about it all today... this really suscks :-(
I just can't imagine him changing in any meaningful way for any real amount of time... but I really don't take divorce lightly :-(
When I read all of the posts about people feeling uncomfrtable/unrest in thier relationships has they get healthier I can't help but think that we are even more doomed... I want to get helthy for myself and my daughter... he just feels like a liability... which he has felt like for a long time...
Sorry to be such a downer :-(
I would keep the two issues seperate. You need to figure out what you are going to do with your marriage. I would suggest some counseling, either together or for you alone, to help you clarify just WHAT exactly is wrong in your marriage -- and then you need to decide if it is fixable -- divorce is a tough road, and having a 4 year old makes it tougher.
Are you a happier person since your seperation? Has being apart fixed what was wrong ? Is this a relief or still an emotional battle ?
For me, I had been married almost 20 years. He cheated, spent everything we had, and was playing russian roulette with my life (not to mention his) by his sexual escapades. I tossed him out, and have NEVER questioned my decision, and have been totally positive about it from moment one. Sure there are times that I kinda almost missed him; but I was totally and completely satisfied that there was NO other answer.
I am also a therapist, and listen to folks talk about divorce both as a devistating solution to a problem, and some who talk about it as just being something that happens....
You have to figure out where you are, what you want, what you want from your husband; and then find out if there are areas that he is willing to compromise on, and where are your areas of compromise. If you can make it work, try again. If not....remembre divorce will not solve any problems YOU have, divorce only solves the problems that you have together.
Much luck.
Are you a happier person since your seperation? Has being apart fixed what was wrong ? Is this a relief or still an emotional battle ?
For me, I had been married almost 20 years. He cheated, spent everything we had, and was playing russian roulette with my life (not to mention his) by his sexual escapades. I tossed him out, and have NEVER questioned my decision, and have been totally positive about it from moment one. Sure there are times that I kinda almost missed him; but I was totally and completely satisfied that there was NO other answer.
I am also a therapist, and listen to folks talk about divorce both as a devistating solution to a problem, and some who talk about it as just being something that happens....
You have to figure out where you are, what you want, what you want from your husband; and then find out if there are areas that he is willing to compromise on, and where are your areas of compromise. If you can make it work, try again. If not....remembre divorce will not solve any problems YOU have, divorce only solves the problems that you have together.
Much luck.
Briar Rose 
High Wt 300 lbs. Pre-op Wt loss 34 lbs.
High Wt 300 lbs. Pre-op Wt loss 34 lbs. 
How about taking it slow and getting some counseling. In the meantime give him an opportunity to show his committment to you and you to him. Go out with him, give him opportunities to be there for you outside of the bedroom. You owe thiis to your daughter and to each other. If after 6 months or so you see nothing is working then you will know what to do. The thing is that you will have to do some work on this relationship too. Its not always easy but its like WLS, if you want it bad enough then you will work out the bugs.
Aw Kanga, I have not been in your situation, but please follow your gut instinct.
I don't know the details, but if you feel like it's not for the best, and that it could be a liability- follow your feelings and put you and your daughter first.. You have your reasons for this separation, and your past experiences with him are likely a good indication of your future if you get back together.. if you can't imagine that he'd change in any appreciable way, he probably can't or won't.
You're not a downer, you are in a tough spot, all I can offer is a virtual hug and some feedback that many times our own gut feelings about these things are the best advice we can rely on.
I don't know the details, but if you feel like it's not for the best, and that it could be a liability- follow your feelings and put you and your daughter first.. You have your reasons for this separation, and your past experiences with him are likely a good indication of your future if you get back together.. if you can't imagine that he'd change in any appreciable way, he probably can't or won't.
You're not a downer, you are in a tough spot, all I can offer is a virtual hug and some feedback that many times our own gut feelings about these things are the best advice we can rely on.
I am sorry you are sad 
As a child of divorced parents I can say kids know when you are upset and know when you arent happy together.
What's best for your daughter is to see her mommy okay- whether that be as a single mom or married. Being in my own situation I can tell you staying together is NOT what is best for the kids if you dont think you can rebuild your relationship and be happy together.
And from my experience people dont change- its a myth. They can tweak but they are who they are to the core...
Take care of yourself and your lil one.
xo
As a child of divorced parents I can say kids know when you are upset and know when you arent happy together.
What's best for your daughter is to see her mommy okay- whether that be as a single mom or married. Being in my own situation I can tell you staying together is NOT what is best for the kids if you dont think you can rebuild your relationship and be happy together.
And from my experience people dont change- its a myth. They can tweak but they are who they are to the core...
Take care of yourself and your lil one.
xo
HW: 258lbs SW: 240 CW: 140 I am 5 foot 7 and 30 years old
VSG 12/21/10 Plastics: Tummy tuck, breast lift, and augmentation 11/3/11
Soon to be veterinarian!! xoxo
Thanks guys...
He is really trying, but at teh same time, not really... he is doing fine on his own (I often felt like more of a mom or a maid to him than anythnig else even though he is older) and he is actually spending one night a week with our daughter, who he had never even put to bed before.
but he is still almost always really negative, volitile temper (though he has been trying to keep it under wrapps with varying degrees of success) and very much "woe is me, the world owes me something, my life is so much harder than everyone elses" etc.
I have been happier and much more peacheful since we split, but I do miss things about being a couple... we have been together since I was 18... i feel a responsibility towards him more than love at this point... it has beenthat way for a LONG time I think...
Friends and family have all been very supportive and all feel that the slpit is good, and divorce would probably be better... even mutual friends have said that they have long been uncomfortable with the way he treated me in front of them, and have often worried about what he did when we were alone... a good example would be from my daughter... several months back (before the slpit) she said to the cat "jesus christ, why to you have to be such a *****" - yeah, she heard it somewhere... (don't worry... she almost never swears... I DO NOT talk like that around her!)
He ha**** me before and been verbally abusive (though I am not perfect!). He has also threatened to kill himself multiple times... to the point where I had hidden his hand guns...
BUT... he has never cheated on me, "beaten" me, he has wracked up plenty of debt - but not like he went "through everything"... even with all of the **** we did communicate pretty well believe it or not... I love his family (and I feel a lot of responsibility towards them too...)...
It just sucks...
I do feel like I have been working very hard on teh relationship for a long time whiel he sat in his chair and looked down on me... Now he's woerking on it, but only on his terms... he still gets nasty when he dosen't get what he wants... sigh.
He's not all bad... I just don't know that I can go back... but I do miss being a "couple" as my sister pointed out we have been together my entire adult life...
BUT, at the same time
He is really trying, but at teh same time, not really... he is doing fine on his own (I often felt like more of a mom or a maid to him than anythnig else even though he is older) and he is actually spending one night a week with our daughter, who he had never even put to bed before.
but he is still almost always really negative, volitile temper (though he has been trying to keep it under wrapps with varying degrees of success) and very much "woe is me, the world owes me something, my life is so much harder than everyone elses" etc.
I have been happier and much more peacheful since we split, but I do miss things about being a couple... we have been together since I was 18... i feel a responsibility towards him more than love at this point... it has beenthat way for a LONG time I think...
Friends and family have all been very supportive and all feel that the slpit is good, and divorce would probably be better... even mutual friends have said that they have long been uncomfortable with the way he treated me in front of them, and have often worried about what he did when we were alone... a good example would be from my daughter... several months back (before the slpit) she said to the cat "jesus christ, why to you have to be such a *****" - yeah, she heard it somewhere... (don't worry... she almost never swears... I DO NOT talk like that around her!)
He ha**** me before and been verbally abusive (though I am not perfect!). He has also threatened to kill himself multiple times... to the point where I had hidden his hand guns...
BUT... he has never cheated on me, "beaten" me, he has wracked up plenty of debt - but not like he went "through everything"... even with all of the **** we did communicate pretty well believe it or not... I love his family (and I feel a lot of responsibility towards them too...)...
It just sucks...
I do feel like I have been working very hard on teh relationship for a long time whiel he sat in his chair and looked down on me... Now he's woerking on it, but only on his terms... he still gets nasty when he dosen't get what he wants... sigh.
He's not all bad... I just don't know that I can go back... but I do miss being a "couple" as my sister pointed out we have been together my entire adult life...
BUT, at the same time
By your description of anger issues and attitude, and using the threat of suicide as a way to control you (I was in a long term relationship with someone who did all that..) I'd RUN screaming from that situation and wouldn't even consider going back.. Sorry, just had to pipe in here one more time as I stayed with my first relationship from 17 to 22, living together, with a (boy)man who sounds very much like your husband.. everyone breathed a sigh of relief when I broke off the engagement and split. It almost took a restraining order to get him to stop showing up at my work trying to intimidate me to get back with him.. Loser. Sorry, that just brought back some really strong feelings..
I read a book about weight loss surgery. One of my favorite parts of the book read "Weight loss surgery makes a good marriage better and a bad marriage divorced".
You already know it is not a good relationship. Best of luck and keep us posted!
oh and by the way my marriage is the latter of the two:(
You already know it is not a good relationship. Best of luck and keep us posted!
oh and by the way my marriage is the latter of the two:(
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