My chubby buddy!

So I dont know about yall but I have a friend...well a best friend and we have always been "fat friends." I know that sounds horrible but its actually always been a good and sometimes bad thing. We are both big people and we have bonded over that more than anything. We can always laugh and cry together over our "fat moments, trials, and tribulations". Here lately he hasnt been around any where near as much as he used to. Then I thought about it and he wont mention or bring up the surgery unless I say something about...even then he wont go into great detail. I feel so bad because I know how I would feel if I was in his shoes. But at the same time he KNOWS what a big deal this is to me and he isnt being very supportive. It breaks my heart because he really is one of my best friends. I wont be able to eat out every other night or go eat IHOP at 3 am after I get sleeved. I mean I can be there but I wont be able to eat like I used to. Im really afraid that this is going to make us grow even further apart and it makes me sad. I dont want to lose my friend. :(

 I have to be honest, if he is not ready to change HIS lifestyle too then most likely your friendship is going to kind of fizzle out, it happens. I have a best friend, she has always been the *skinny* friend, always fit and trim while I was over 300 lbs. After my surgery she stopped talking to me, and I later found out that she had gained weight and was now about 80 lbs heavier then ME the *fat* friend and she just could not handle the change. It is not an uncommon thing, but I hope that maybe you can inspire him, and instead of being *fat* friends, you can be fit, healthy friends who can find so many more amazing things to do then eat. 

I think it might be helpful to tell your friend exactly what you have shared here. I am sure it is difficult for your friend but hopefully because you have a close relationship the friendship will weather the changes. Also, maybe your friend will see the positive changes you are making and follow suit!

Girlie, one person cannot be our everything.

You say you understand what it would be like in his shoes, and then you fuss that he is not being supportive and will not talk.

*maybe* he KNOWS if he talks about it he is going to say something that is just going to start yall into a fight.

My husband was afraid for me.  I did not talk with him much about surgery when what I realized was his CONCERN for me overshadowed his ability to be supportive. 

Your friend needs time to get okay with what's going on.  Just because some is a close friend, does not make them superhuman, you know?  Maybe find someone else, like this place here, to talk about all the surgery stuff, and just keep being his friend without all the added weirdness between yall of the surgery.  Maybe he can come to some peaceful place and be supportive in a way you might like, or maybe he cannot, but like everybody else, I bet he is doing the best he can right now. 

Things change sometimes, and everyone does not react well to it, or the way we would like. 

Chin up girlie, you are going to have to support you because YOU did this for YOU!  Yea?  Its nice to have other folks to support you, but we have to learn to be okay when its just us.

I think you really should talk to him.  If you and your friendship mean anything to him then he will try to at least be a little supportive.  There's got to be a compromise in there and friendship definitely comes with give and take like any relationship.  It doesn't have to end just because you want to be healthy.  He has to understand that if he really cares for you as a friend.

JMO

I know EXACTLY how you feel.  My best friend and I have been friends for over 15 years.  We were in high school together, shared dorms and apartments all through our college years, I am the godmother of her child, I was her maid of honor and she was mine.  We have been through deaths, births, celebrations and sorrows.  We have always been "fat friends" and I know what you mean by that.  I was usually the fatter friend.  We could eat together, shop together and trade fat stories.  We even went to the weight loss seminar together for VGS because we were both ready to make a change but then she decided that even though she had a child now that she was not ready to take the plunge. 

She has been very supportive and was there when I had my surgery and helped me during recovery and very excited as I could give her my clothes as I lost weight.   But now, that I am almost to goal, I notice that she does not say too much about it.  When I see others that I have not seen in a long time, they all say how great I look and ask me about my journey.  When I see her, the topic is never even brought up in the conversation.  I went to her little gir's birthday party a few weeks ago and her whole family told me how great I looked and when they asked her about it, all she would say is, yes, but she's still my same old friend.  I do feel that she is honestly very happy for me but underneath I know she is somewhat jealous.  I have learned to not base our relationship on sizes.  We still hang out and I never bring up my surgery.  I always suggest doing things that don't involve eating or shopping.  I would not say that our relationship has fizzled but it definitely has had to change and I think a true friendship will do that.  They evolve over time and grow with the individuals.  Sit and talk with your friend about the issues that you are having and the feelings that you are having.  If they are a true friend, one that will stick with you through thick and thick, literally, then they will understand.

You can still hang out and go out to dinner, you will just eat a lot less than him, lol.  If the topic of your weight loss bothers him, then don't bring it up.  I'm sure your friendship has more meat to it to not have anything else to talk about.  You never know, down the road, you may be an inspiration to make him decide to be a healthier him.  True friends are always there for each other no matter what, you don't have to talk every day and you dont have to hang out every second but they always know that if one needs the other, they will be there. 

My best friend and I have been besties for 28 years. I was always the chubbier one. I am pre-surgery, but she is my biggest cheerleader. She wants to take care of me after the surgery.

I hope it stays that way. I adore her. I have lots of friends, but none like her.

If he is your friend, I would give it some time. If he doesnt come around, you may have to reach out to him.

Best,

Sharon

Here's the thing, if your relationship is just 'kindred fat spirts' it will fade away.  If there are other fundamental common interests, you'll be fine.  Having a relationship with someone is about more than just liking or even loving them.  You have to have common ground.

Friends come and go throughout our lives as interests change.  We drifted away from friends over the last 15 years as they started families.  As they increasingly focused on children and us on dogs, we had less in common.   We're now starting to drift back together as they (and we)approach empty-nesthood.  I have a very close, long-term friend -- 25 years or so, and we never drifted apart despite living on opposite coasts for a decade because our common interests have never changed. 

I am sorry that you are going through this. Friendships are a beautiful yet complicated thing. Every friendship is different and when things change, it makes it complicated. Some people adapt well to change and others don't. Maybe he's not ready to lose you as a "fat friend" as you say. It will probably just take some time. Maybe he's thinking that he needs to do something about his weight too but itsn't ready to confront it at this time. There's so many elements. Keep yourself happy with the friends you still have and your family. It is true you will be able to go out and eat sometimes and just get a little something :-). My husband and I still like to go to Chili's and I always get the baked potato soup. It's delicious and fills me up. I don't feel so awkward because he can enjoy a meal and I can go with him and eat a bit too. It hasn't really bothered him that I can't eat very much. You can still go out to places and socialize and even eat out, it just will be different. Best wishes to you!

Some people come into our lives for a reason, some for a season, some for a lifetime.  If the basis of the friendship is mutual eating behavior only, it will fall away as your own eating behavior changes and his doesn't.  If there are other elements that can keep you together, you can focus on those - if he's willing.

If the friendship doesn't last, your only choice is to appreciate it while it did last, let it and him go, experience the sadness, and move on with your life.