Why can't I just say NO? (sorry long post)

I've been avoiding this post (and the truth) for too long and I just feel the need to write and let it all out.

I'm almost 5 months out from surgery.  I feel great and look great but weight loss has definitely slowed and bad habits have snuck in.  When I had my band, the same thing happened.  I lost a good amount of weight pretty effortlessly and then got lazy ****il my band started causing problems).  I feel this happening again.  Elina posted about the excuse "du jour" the other day and I thought to myself "well what's my excuse this time?"  It seems like whenever I become successful, EVER, I start to pull back on being so strict. 

I'm not the best with the VSG rules.  While I don't do anything wildly out of control, I find myself pushing the limits more often.  I definitely graze more than I should, I don't work out often enough, I don't get enough fluid/water, I don't always eat protein first, I don't measure my food, my carbs aren't always lower than 40 grams.  I even lie on my MFP account...seriously.  What is wrong with me?  I'm not looking for an answer but more or less I'm just trying to be honest with myself.  Why whenever I am successful, do I try to sabotage myself?  I haven't been meal planning as often as I should and trips to the grocery store have been less frequent.  I just get tired of shopping for food, cooking food, working out, doing household stuff, and then by time I get to rest it's like midnight and I have to go to sleep to start it all over again the next day.  I'm 27 and I'm tired of everything.

I find that I struggle to get out of the bed in the morning, I struggle with not wanting to do ANYTHING.  No, seriously.  I'm not sure if it's depression or just laziness but I have no interest in anything any more.  My husband is so wonderful and supportive but he has noticed a big change in me.  He notices that I'm not fun or bright or active that much anymore.  I told him my honest feelings that I think something is wrong because I don't care to do much of anything.  I could sit on my couch watching tv for days and not care.  I don't want to go outside, I'd rather lay in sweats all day.  What the hell?  I was never like this even when I was like 250lbs.  My husband works out a lot and he is always trying to get me to do something with him but, like I said, I'd rather just lay like a lump on the couch.  I've considered getting therapy just to see if there is something wrong with me.  Depression and anxiety do run in my family but I feel hesitant, like I'm trying to find an excuse in depression.  Could it be that I'm like this because I can't coddle myself with food anymore?  Or for that matter, alcohol? 

Addiction runs in the family as well and I do admit that maybe I drank a little too much prior to my surgery.  Before surgery, I didn't think anything of it.  I just thought, hey I'm in my 20's and everyone my age does this.  But now that I haven't drank in about 6 months, I realize maybe it was a bit too much.  And if that is the reason for my lack of motivation, then that's a bigger problem in itself.  I don't know if I've mentioned it before but I didn't even quit drinking because of surgery.  It turns out the dirty, nasty subway systems of NYC are a playground for DISEASE.  I contracted the TB germ from the subway.  Consumption?  REALLY?  I was so defeated when the doctor told me I had to be on medication for 9 months with absolutely NO DRINKING ALCOHOL.  I actually cried.  Now I think maybe I'm effing crazy.  Seriously, the TB seems to have been a God send because without it, I would definitely be imbibing more than I should be post-surgery.

Anyway, I don't want to bore everyone any further.  I just needed to be honest with myself and put it out there for other eyes to see.  I lack motivation and passion.  I want to work out often, I want to eat right and I keep saying to myself "tomorrow I will, tomorrow I will be better" but it never comes to fruition.  Eating and energy-wise.  I tell myself I will not graze today but then I find myself lifting a pretzel or a piece of chocolate to my mouth.  My brain screams NO but I do it anyway.  Why can't I just say no?  In writing this post, I really do think I need therapy.  And I know this will sound like an excuse du jour but it's really freaking hard to find a therapist who will take insurance!  I tried one women's group and getting anyone on the phone was tiresome and a lot of phone tag.  They ended up not having any openings anyway.  I could go see the therapist I went to for my psych eval but she's only got hours from 9 to 5 and I need to work.  I could possibly work out a deal with my boss to come in earlier and leave a little earlier to make an appointment at 4pm...so why haven't I gotten to this?  Dunno.  Laziness I suppose.  I WANT to do it but I can't bring myself to.  Does that make any sense? 

Ok, I've definitely rambled on longer than I should.  Thanks for taking the time to read my post.  I realize it's a long one and wallowing in self pity but just needed to get it out there...for me.

Hey I'm a newbie, so I can't give you advice of course, but I didn't want to just read your post and ignore!  I can 100% feel your pain and one thing I am learning that it is critical to reach out for help (be it physical, mental, medical, whatever).  It isn't easy, but the hardest part is probably getting through the door to the counselor.  Just force yourself to do it now...I am sure you will regret putting yourself through more torment if you ignore it.

Feel good soon...you deserve it!

Sounds like you do need to find someone to talk to.  Whether or not its depression you are feeling depressed and I think you need to take those feelings seriously.  You feel stuck right now and talking to someone will help.  Don't worry right now if you are using it as an excuse or not.  Just take care of you.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a problem.  But given that you've noted that you seem to be depressed and have a history of self-sabotaging your weight loss success, I think finding a therapist is a good idea.

Maybe your surgeon's office can recommend therapists who are experienced in weight loss issues.

Also, check the side effects of your TB drugs -- could those be contributing to some level of fatigue?  And are you taking your B-12?  Iron?  Low iron and B-12 can also lead to fatigue! 

So maybe explore possibly physical causes first, and get those ruled out! 

They say realizing there is a problem is cathartic in and of itself.  Writing it out is a good first step. From my perspective from afar, you could be suffering from the hormone release they say comes with weight loss. Also, it sounds like you aren't getting enough protein and water. Without that you won't have any energy.  It does sound like you are depressed, you have expressed the classic symptoms although it could be other things.

I'm going to make a weird suggestion. Go to an AA meeting. They have them at night and really work on your self esteem. I have had friends that went and they rave about the companionship. I have no idea what they charge but it should be a lot less than a shrink.

Get back on the sleeve program and be really strict with yourself for three months and see if your attitude improves. I wish you all the best and will send prayers your way.

PS. Go work out with your husband. Sweating together can be fun.

Thanks everyone.  I appreciate the responses and support.  It is very helpful.  Sometimes writing things out just makes me feel better and like I'm not alone.  I WILL call the therapist soon and make an appointment.  I'm not sure she has experience with weight loss patients but maybe she can evaluate me and give me suggestions for other therapists.  I'm seeing my surgeon next week for a check up so I will talk to him about it too.

I have to take B6 along with the TB meds not sure what the reasoning is but perhaps a call into my pulmonologist who prescribed the meds would be a good idea.  Maybe I can talk to her about my issues and see if the meds would have anything to do with it.  I do take daily vitamins and calcium with vitamin D daily.  I don't take extra B12 because when my surgeon did my labs back in January he said my levels were fine but maybe adding in the B12 wouldn't hurt. 

I find the AA suggestion to be a good one...or even any support group.  My surgeon's group just started a support group for VSG patients but it hasn't grown very much just yet and I think I need more mental support rather than surgicial support if that makes sense.  Anyway, thanks again for the suggestions and support!  It means a lot to me!

Don't forget to check the iron.  I felt just like this after I had lost weight on Atkins, and the doc says something like , "Don't you feel great?"  The answer was no, I felt like crap!  He then said, well, you iron is a little on the low side, use iron supplements. 
Duh!  By then, I'd started adding more carbs and calories because my energy was so low, I thought I wasn't getting enough nutrition.  Dumb move! And it paved the path to further weight gain and my road to WLS.

I've never had low thyroid, but others in my family have -- and again, very similar symptoms.  So definitely see about the bloodwork.  When you are fatigued or depressed at this level, planning for meals, eating the right things, exercise -- everything is too overwhelming!  So you end up doing nothing, because just thinking about it is exhausting!

Take care!

OK, so you know the problem and rather than regurgitate the same 3 or 4 line response you read several times a week. I am just going to ask this: What are you going to do about it?

Fix your plan. If there are things around you that are temptations, eliminate them until you gain enough control to be around them without giving in. If you are going places that present temptations, stop going there. If you are buying extra stuff at the grocery make yourself a list before you go and stick to your list. If the temptations are at work, communicate with your co-workers. Tell them if they see a donut in your hand to slap it out and give you a swift kick in the rear. Ask them to not offer you food or drinks. Embarrass yourself a bit and tell them you are too weak to do it on your own so it stings a little bit. Its like learning the stove is hot when you are little.

Look in the mirror everyday and ask yourself if you are where you want to be and as long as that answer is no, then stick to your plan. When that answer is yes, then you can think about changing your plan.

It is hard, especially getting harder a couple months out. I change up my eating and exercise about every week to two weeks to keep the scale moving. Do I have my slip ups? for sure but the idea is like falling off a bike, get up and get back on and the longer you ride, the better you get until you don't have to think about it anymore, unfortunately this is like riding a bike where the tires keep changing every day.

Get back on it darlin' you can do it. Laziness is your enemy and pain is your friend.

Along with what everyone else suggested, go get full lab work done and have them give you a copy.  Doctors will say your okay because you're in what they consider to be normal range, but it may not be normal for YOU.  Low B12 can lead to depression and nerve damage.  Most docs will tell you you're ok if you're at 300 with B12, but we really should be around 800, just as an example.  Once you get your labs, go to the RNY or DS forum and ask someone to look at them.  Those folks have more issues with vitamins and such because of the malabsorption they face, and they have a better grip on what the numbers ideally should be.  I think Vitalady has a chart somewhere on her website as well with recommended ranges.

Best of luck and hope you start feeling better.  Sometimes, just knowing you're doing something about your problem is the best medicine!

my doctor's office actually makes labs available online for the patients.  I'm thinking I will get my copy from January online and have my nurse friend look at it.  Thanks for all the great advice!