Andrea M.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

So, I'm really approaching my upcoming surgery as just one component of redefining a healthier, happier, truer me.  I know that I have to get a psych eval before I'll be approved, but, really, I have so much work to do in my head before I'll have any real success changing my body.  So, I've been to counselors/therapists before, but never felt like they really connected with me, or were concerned with doing anything other than renting me couch space by the hour (I have my own couch, thank you very much!).  I've finally found an AMAZING therapist though!  She's amazing!  And she's even a woman.  I had decided that, while I'd rather tell all my deepest and darkest secrets and insecurities to a woman, on average, women are more likely to listen to a problem and act as a sounding board, whereas men are more likely to try to help find a solution.  I don't really care how I FEEL about the shitty situation I'm discussing in therapy - I just want to find a way out of it!!!  But, I've managed to find a woman who is really able to relate to my situation, yet she offers great advice and together, we're tackling all the crap in my psyche.

Two weeks ago, I set a small baby-goal of wearing some makeup for the next week to move in the direction of feeling better about myself.  Then, last week, we talked about how that went and what changes I had felt.  I realized that I don't fix myself up in the mornings and put effort into my appearance because I think that I'm going to feel fat and ugly (my most problematic negative self-talk) regardless, so why bother putting in the effort with hair and makeup?  But, then during my session, I realized that I DON'T feel that way regardless and on the days I put effort into how I look, I DO feel better.  So, that was a major epiphany!  But, since my session, I've realized that THAT'S what all this has been about all along.  I'm in counseling because I think I "look like crap" because of my weight, and because I've always had such a hard time losing weight, that I'll always "look like crap" and therefore "FEEL like crap" and then all the subsequent negative things I do to my body because of that mindset (like give up and grab a ice cream sandwich and mope about "being fat").  But that's not what my head's really been saying all these years!  It's been saying "You look like crap!  Change your look.  Put some effort into yourself!"  All this time, I've been trying to separate my weight from how I feel about myself, yet they were separate all along!  Oh, this is SUCH a revelation for me!!!  I feel so empowered!  So sexy! 

Just the thought of WLS and the many ways in which my life will change afterward has opened the floodgates to all kinds of crazy in my head.  All the feelings and emotions about my weight, my body, most of all, my self-worth, have rushed to the surface and my mind is suddenly a much darker, uglier place.

For the most part, many of these thoughts were things I thought I had dealt with and let go of.  Why are they still hanging around, causing me such grief? 

So, I just went to see my doctor today for the start of my third month of pre-op monitoring.  I just got back from a week in Florida, and crazy, vacation eating though, so, not surprisingly, my weight went up.  Only four pounds though, so it definitely could have been worse!  I just read a post tonight from someone who got the call that her surgery date is set and it's only a month from now.  So sudden, it seems.  It just points out to me how I feel my own surgery is in that elusive, never-gonna-ACTUALLY-roll-around "future."

I've written a bit about this before, but I've allowed my mother to be a deciding factor against having WLS.  She has two co-workers who have had gastric bypass and both have learned to eat around their surgery and, consequently, neither of them lost much in their first year and a half post-op time and both are still at MO weight.  The surgery is a tremendously dangerous ordeal to go through for someone who doesn't use the surgery as it's intended: as a tool.  My mom doesn't want to see me put myself through a painful surgery and end up basically where I started, but with increased risks.  As a mother myself, I can certainly understand her fear.  But I didn't just hear her concerns and take them into consideration and make my own decision, as I should have.  I let her fears and concerns derail the choices I had made, in an effort to get her approval. 

I decided to pursue WLS again and knew that I’d have to get Mom on my side for a number of reasons.  This is major surgery and something that will dramatically alter the rest of my life.  I need her support and blessing.  I need her to be cheering for me and help me through the rough points when I’m scared and wanting to back out the night before surgery or during the post-op period when I hurt and wonder what I’ve done to myself.  So, I wrote her a letter and explained all this.  I started the letter explaining that I wasn’t writing to ask permission, but to explain what brought me to the decision I’ve come to and ask for her support.  I laid out issues in many different aspects of my life: health, my son, personal, professional, childhood, romance, etc.  I gave her the letter tonight and after I gave her time to read it, we talked it over.  The conversation went very well!  When all was said and done, she’s with me now!  I’m thrilled!  My mom and I have had a strained relationship for many years I guess you could say, but about a year ago, we kind of came to an understanding about each other and grew closer, which I just love!  She means so much to me that I just can’t imagine making such a major decision without her support.  I’m glad I have it now!

So, I went to Riverside's Bariatric program and had an innitial meeting back on October 21, 2011.  I found out that my total out-of-pocket expenses would be around $2,220, and of that, $600 was due right away.  I'm going to school full time and have no income other than child support right now, and that's just a LOT of money that I can't come up with.  Then, in the beginning of 2012, I called back and found out that they had dropped the fees and now it would be only $1,200 out-of-pocket, but $900 up front and the remaining $300 shortly thereafter.  Again, that's hard to come up with! 

Back when I was married and my then-husband worked for Mount Carmel, I had looked into their program and even got about 5 months through my 6 month medically supervised diet, but then got scared and backed out because my mom doesn't want me to get the surgery.  No matter your age, you always want to please your parents.  I've had a lot of regret about bailing on the surgery since then.  I can't live my life making decisions based on what my mom wants for me.  I know she wants what's best for me, but she has no concept of what it's been like living in this oppressive body.  Anyway, on a whim (and a good deal of desperation), I called Mount Carmel to ask about their program.  I found out that my out-of-pocket cost would only be $500, of which $300 was due up front and then the remaining $200 due closer to surgery, when I had completed my 6 month medically supervised diet.  That, I can manage! 

So, I'm starting again, and this time I'm going to see it through.  I'm at a frightening 306 pounds right now and, while my weight has been a problem all my life, over the past year, I've seen a rather notable decline in my general state of health.  Along with my deteriorating health, my weight is really starting to impact my son.  I can't do the things I want to do with him because I just don't have the energy, and when I go to his school for whatever reason, his classmates have made comments to him about my weight.  I'll tell you, that's really the worst!  I just can't stand that I'm making life more difficult and more painful for my son!

So, I'm officially at my all-time highest weight!  I'm 296lbs, 5'9", and only 32 years old.  Last week, I went to my son's school and had lunch with him and his class in the cafeteria.  One of his classmates started poking me for no apparent reason.  I asked if there was a reason he was poking me.  He said, "Because you're fat.  That's what I'm supposed to do."   I did a good job playing it off like it wasn't awful for me, but it was killing me.  Then, Josh came home the next day and told me about how he had asked the boy why he was so mean to me and that it wasn't nice.  My six-year-old son is defending me to his friends because of my weight!  I'm in tears!

And I've been divorced for over a year now.  I want to start dating again.  But the guys who are attractive to me don't want to go out with me because I'm not attractive to them.  I feel my heart pounding in my chest when I do the simplest things.  I want to go horseback riding, but right now, the thought just makes me feel sorry for the horse. 

I HATE this!!!  I hate how I feel. I hate how I look.  I hate that I'm getting phone calls from family members telling me how worried they are about my weight.  I HATE this!!!!