Not the life I want!

Feb 20, 2012

So, I'm officially at my all-time highest weight!  I'm 296lbs, 5'9", and only 32 years old.  Last week, I went to my son's school and had lunch with him and his class in the cafeteria.  One of his classmates started poking me for no apparent reason.  I asked if there was a reason he was poking me.  He said, "Because you're fat.  That's what I'm supposed to do."   I did a good job playing it off like it wasn't awful for me, but it was killing me.  Then, Josh came home the next day and told me about how he had asked the boy why he was so mean to me and that it wasn't nice.  My six-year-old son is defending me to his friends because of my weight!  I'm in tears!

And I've been divorced for over a year now.  I want to start dating again.  But the guys who are attractive to me don't want to go out with me because I'm not attractive to them.  I feel my heart pounding in my chest when I do the simplest things.  I want to go horseback riding, but right now, the thought just makes me feel sorry for the horse. 

I HATE this!!!  I hate how I feel. I hate how I look.  I hate that I'm getting phone calls from family members telling me how worried they are about my weight.  I HATE this!!!! 

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