Major psych revelation!

Jul 10, 2012

So, I'm really approaching my upcoming surgery as just one component of redefining a healthier, happier, truer me.  I know that I have to get a psych eval before I'll be approved, but, really, I have so much work to do in my head before I'll have any real success changing my body.  So, I've been to counselors/therapists before, but never felt like they really connected with me, or were concerned with doing anything other than renting me couch space by the hour (I have my own couch, thank you very much!).  I've finally found an AMAZING therapist though!  She's amazing!  And she's even a woman.  I had decided that, while I'd rather tell all my deepest and darkest secrets and insecurities to a woman, on average, women are more likely to listen to a problem and act as a sounding board, whereas men are more likely to try to help find a solution.  I don't really care how I FEEL about the shitty situation I'm discussing in therapy - I just want to find a way out of it!!!  But, I've managed to find a woman who is really able to relate to my situation, yet she offers great advice and together, we're tackling all the crap in my psyche.

Two weeks ago, I set a small baby-goal of wearing some makeup for the next week to move in the direction of feeling better about myself.  Then, last week, we talked about how that went and what changes I had felt.  I realized that I don't fix myself up in the mornings and put effort into my appearance because I think that I'm going to feel fat and ugly (my most problematic negative self-talk) regardless, so why bother putting in the effort with hair and makeup?  But, then during my session, I realized that I DON'T feel that way regardless and on the days I put effort into how I look, I DO feel better.  So, that was a major epiphany!  But, since my session, I've realized that THAT'S what all this has been about all along.  I'm in counseling because I think I "look like crap" because of my weight, and because I've always had such a hard time losing weight, that I'll always "look like crap" and therefore "FEEL like crap" and then all the subsequent negative things I do to my body because of that mindset (like give up and grab a ice cream sandwich and mope about "being fat").  But that's not what my head's really been saying all these years!  It's been saying "You look like crap!  Change your look.  Put some effort into yourself!"  All this time, I've been trying to separate my weight from how I feel about myself, yet they were separate all along!  Oh, this is SUCH a revelation for me!!!  I feel so empowered!  So sexy! 

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