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Well, things are not going well. I stopped working out since my laser eye surgery, and i just never got back into it. I'm so angry at myself- i was working out 4-5 times a week, walking, even running! I was lifting weights and just getting in good shape. Now... i don't know, I've just completely lost it. Honestly i think it's because of the job I'm at. I mean, I'm at a new job with a couple women closer to my own age- one who lost quite a bit of weight several years ago- but i don't have any guys there that i want to look good for. I mean, at my last job there was a guy who kind of inspired me to keep fit, to look good for him so i could flirt around.  Now... I have nobody.

I know i'm supposed to do this for myself, and i want to. But still... sigh. I don't know. It's not like it matter what day i start, what time i start, what i do, how i do it, how long i do it, etc. I don't know why I can't get this through my head. I guess I just need to snap back into a decent frame of mind. Hopefully I can control myself when I'm in Vegas with my dad. It'll be 4 days of Sin City... hopefully i can be more angel than devil... we shall see.

At a new low of 180.5! Woo hoo! Too bad it's not in the 170's. But, I'll take what I can get.

Well, the band was way too tight for awhile. It got to the point where I was getting sick 2-3 times a day every single day. I finally got an emergency doctor appointment and had the band loosened way up. Now, I have to go for an Upper GI on Thursday just to make sure the band didn't slip. I also have to schedule a tightening for a couple weeks. Until then, I have to be super careful. I can eat a lot more things now, but I have to make sure I eat properly - healthfully. It's a matter of willpower and I hope to God that I can find the strength inside me to follow it. I guess we'll see what happens in time.

Gah!!! So, I weighed myself yesterday and I've gained ANOTHER pound!! That makes 6 pounds in a month! What the heck?! I'm getting really upset now...luckily I go see my primary care doctor today, so hopefully he can help me out.

On a more positive note, we ran again yesterday and I got about a 1/4 of a mile! Then I hit an up-hill and slowed way down to a walk. But still!!!! that's 1/4 of a mile more than i was jogging a month ago! I'm definitely getting stronger, so that rocks.

I just need to figure out what's with this weight gain...grrr...

So, things are getting frustrating. Here's the sitch: I started working out. And i wasn't eased into it..I was thrown full-on, face first into a running workout. My (wonderful) friend Jen had me start working out with some teenage kids in a program she heads up. Well, it involves a running workout & calethenics (sp?) on Sunday mornings and then a 20 minute cardio & weight lifting program on Wednesday nights. Well, I nearly died the first time..but then I started to like it. So, I went out and bought some decent running shoes and now I'm working out 5 days a week after work. I just go downstairs to the workout room and hop on the treadmill. I do 30 minutes a day 2 or 3 times a week and the 20 minutes plus the weights the other 2 or 3 days (depending on my schedule). Now, I'm not a runner by any means, I barely can get a minute and a half in. But still, I walk at a decent pace and I do an incline. And HELLO - i'm moving! I'm finally working out and working towards dropping the last 40+ pounds.

Now, here's my dilemma. With all this good-for-me stuff I'm doing...I'm not losing weight. I'm GAINING! So far I've gained about 5 pounds in almost a month that I've been doing this. At first I attributed it to the blood in my muscles, healing from the shock of the workout...then it was "that time of the month" so there was that. But now? Now there's no excuses! What's going on? I figured I'd be in the mid 170's by now. Instead i'm crawling back to the mid 180's. NOT what I wanted...

Anyone know what's going on and want to help me out? Please? Before I begin to sink into a self-destructive depression again...

So, I have slowly realized that the little "wow's" in life is what gets you through it all. I had another one hit me today.

I was sitting at my desk at work and realized HOW i was sitting. I had my legs crossed - right over left - and i still fit under the desk. I didn't have to adjust anything and i didn't have to sit with only my ankles crossed or just both feet flat on the floor. I haven't been able to do that in YEARS. I was always jealous of those girls in high school who could sit with their legs crossed under their desks and still either have room or just be comfortable. I tried once and ended up stuck and then got fresh gum all over my favorite shirt/pants combo. Brilliant.

So, I decided to write and just say how great it felt to be able to do something that i've wanted to do ever since high school. Woo Hoo!

Everybody have a great Easter!

So, I went shopping with my Mom last Friday. It's been crazy-hectic at work and I just needed a "me" day, you know? I also was in desperate need of some new clothes. The "new" pants i bought a few months ago shrunk - length-wise - and then also just got baggier as I lost more weight until finally, it was just pathetic looking. So, my Mom mentioned a few consignment shops where I could find cheap clothes until I get to my goal.

Now, my at my heaviest I wore probably about an 18/20 and at least a 1X t-shirt. Since I've been losing weight, I wasn't sure what I even wore. I figured a 16, so decided that's what i'd grab. While I was looking, I found a couple pairs of 16's i liked, but mostly 8's or 10's (my ideal size is an 8) but then I found some 14's that were really nice. I found a pair of grey, black and brown pants. all the colors I needed. I figured, what the heck - for $5 a pair, i'll try 'em on.

Tried on the 16's first - not bad. A little baggy in the bum, but still not bad. then I tried on the 14's....holy cow! they fit perfectly! They're all stretch, so they gave a little, but still - they fit so well length-wise and width-wise. they hugged my curves pretty well (actually made my bum look not so bad!). I dropped the 16's and grabbed up the 14's.

I'm still not sure what size top I am - probably about an L (yay!) I'd love to get to an M one day, but the twins are kinda big...so I have to consider them. Although - I am incredibly happy that they are one place i haven't lost much weight. Woo Hoo!

Anyway - that totally made my day. I got the 3 pairs of pants and a top for under $20 there and then i got a nice, maroon leather jacket somewhere else for less than $20. All in all it was a very good day. Very theraputic and exactly what I needed.

I've finally entered "one"derland! It's been a long, tough journey but I'm finally here!!! I haven't been here since high school - so we're talking almost 10 years! I think it was Sophomore/Junior year that I was my best weight. Man..That's back to 2000. Craziness! Well, now that I'm here - I don't EVER want to leave!!!! And I'm going to bust my butt making sure that I don't teeter on the edge or ever cross it again!!!

Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Well, things have overall been going pretty well. Although my body seems like it doesn't want to drop below 200 lbs.! Of course, it is that time of the month, so I'm sure i've entered "one"derland and it's just not showing yet. Gah - who knows?

I've been pretty discouraged lately. I can't seem to eat anything! Everything is getting stuck - especially protein. all I've been doing is drinking protein shakes lately because I can't get anything down. And if it does go down, I get really sick right afterwards. I've thrown up more times lately then when I was learning how to eat. Wtf?? AND if that's not enough, I don't want to eat because I feel full. But I'm not because I haven't eaten. It feels like my stomach is full of air - right underneath my ribs but above my bellybutton. I don't know what it is but I feel like I'm pregnant or something! My gut is blown out like a balloon and i can't do anything about it. I've gone to bed the past 2-3 nights in the fetal position in pain. What's going on??

Ugh - things have been pretty rough with me lately, but I'm hoping once my psychiatrist changed my meds I should be okay. Coming off the Lamictal and moving onto the Lithium - man I hope it helps this depression because it's almost unbearable.

Well, I guess that's it. Hopefully I'll have something positive to report next week. Hopefully I'll have officially entered "one"derland! I haven't been there since high school 9 years ago. Man, that's sad...

So, I am super stoked! I weighed myself on Sunday and I was at 205 pounds! Only 6 more pounds to go until I enter "One"derland! I haven't been under 200 since 10th grade - that's 16 years old - almost 10 years ago! It's crazy to think about.

Also - another WOW moment - I put on a pair of jeans that I bought from Lane Bryant when I went to the Mall of America (i think when I was about 19 or 20 years old) and they (almost) fit! They're still a bit snug, but 5 more pounds and I'm sure I'll be able to wear them comfortably! I haven't worn them in YEARS.

So, things are slowly but surely getting better and better. I'm so excited! Woo Hoo!

Well, as the title says, it's been awhile. Things have been going okay. My surgeon says he thinks I'm almost to my "sweet spot". I'm filled at about 5.2 cc's right now and most people go between 5-7 cc's. I think i'd be doing a lot better if I could get back on track. Not that I've gotten really far off, but i've skewed just a bit and it's definitely not helping me. It's times like this that I really need to just step back, take a breath and refocus my energy. It's so hard though when you have some people - who know what you've had done- breathing down your neck; expecting so much from you. You feel like you can't disappoint them! It's been like that with my Mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom to death - she's been the one to support me through anything and everything - but sometimes she can just drive me bonkers! I want to tell her to leave me alone and let ME handle my situation. I hate eating anything around her cuz she always sits there and stares at me. No pressure there! No, that's not an uncomfortable feeling at all! Gah!

Things will be a LOT better once I move into my condo. I can focus on ME and doing what's best for ME and MY body. Not worry about everyone else. I wish I could just put everyone out of my mind and not let what they must be thinking get to me. Psh - only in a perfect world, right?