Tears and prayers

Jun 16, 2009

  Drowning in a river of tears as I write and feeling stupid because I am so emotional.  Such a high last Wednesday, June 10, when I got "the call."  After all the endless testing I got a date, it was real, and it was happening now.  Oh the highest of highs.  Oh my I called everyone, and my children responded by making airline reservations so they could be with me during the days of surgery and recovery.  Everyone, DH, kids, family, and friends made their plans to take time off work and be around me when the day came.  My OH friends were cheering with me and sharing my great joy.  Sunday at church I shared my happiness with everyone.  Oh the highest of highs.    Yesterday was my pre-op appointment with my surgeon, the last one before "the day."  My husband and I were so pleased when she said "okay everything is in order."  All the months of tests and all the anticipation was finally reaching fruition.  Got on the scale at the office and wow another 7 pounds gone.  Officially lost 45 pre-op pounds.  Feelin' good now.    We left the surgeon's office and went out to lunch, then shopping.  Lots of talking and planning for the days ahead.  Until we got home and there were 3 messages from the surgeon's office.  Two from Dr. T herself trying to catch me.  Oh dear what could this be???    Neither DH or myself slept much last night.  I called at 9:01 this morning to find out what all the excitement was about.  Oh my goodness, so sorry, but here's the deal......  It seems one of your tests, done over a month ago, came back positive for blood.  Now we must do a colonoscopy and endoscopy quick.  How quick?  Well, don't know for sure because we have to get authorization, and find someone to fit you in their schedule and on and on and on.  Well, say, what about that July 2 surgery date?  Well, that's hard to say at this point.  You will just have to wait and see.  Wait and  see?  I've been waiting for 5 months now, and several years before that.  Wait and see!!!  I can't see, I'm crying too hard.  I'm one exposed nerve right now, sick with emotions.  I suppose it could still work out.  I do know--- God works miracles.  I believe His timing is the best, but He gave me a time, didn't he?    The tears are dried up at this point, and just resignation exists.  The joy of yesterday has been swallowed up in bitter disappointment.      But it could still work out right?  Yeah, it could.  Don't give up too quickly a little voice is saying.  (I think I know who the little voice is....and it belongs to Someone BIG).

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