dancerchick06

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I was thinking today, and realizing that the last time I posted, I was celebrating a wonderful accomplishment; under 200 lbs.  So why do I feel today that being stuck at 160 is horrible and depressing? I was 280 lbs when I started this journey, I was dangerously overweight, constantly sick, unhappy and frustratingly {stuck}.  What does that even mean, {stuck}? Stuck in what exactly?

I have been having days where I am not happy.  Not happy with what is my current question.  I have a wonderful husband, a big house, two wonderful dogs; I am done with school, for the time being, and unemployed.  I am not super upset at even being unemployed but I feel like there is this giant black cloud over me.  I wanted to get pregnant and we were trying but I decided I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was caught up in the excitement that my cousin was pregnant and wanted to experience that so bad, I think my husband even got caught up in it.  I don't want the reason we have a baby because someone else is.  I also became super terrified that these {mood swings} would create a very hostile environment for pregnant me. 

Then I started to realize, I am not happy at where my body is.  I wanted to be fit and see muscle, I don't think I am there yet. Will I ever {feel} like I am there? I think there is still a 280 frame of mind in me. I can't seem to realize I am no longer that weight. Do you ever become happy?

I have also completely lost my drive.  I don't know how long I have been feeling this way but it is hard to stay out of bed most days.  I just want to curl up, watch Ghost Whisperer and not leave. I was so happy going to the gym for the longest time and now I have even lost that drive? What is happening?

I am starting to eat like I used to, "eating my feelings" and I desperately don't want to be in that place again.

I am not sure what I am asking for, {drive, hope, happiness} but I just want to feel like a new me again. Does that make sense?

-S

I couldn't believe it...I stepped on the scale the other morning and it said 199.8! I was almost reduced to tears but I was so tired I could barely read the numbers. I can't believe I am only almost 3 months out and 7 pounds from the goal weight the doc set for me.  I know I want to go below that but it is crazy seeing that number after almost 6 years at being above 200. I don't get out and moving as much as I would like to because school keeps me busy non-stop but I am getting out and riding bikes, boxing, playing tennis, walking.  I am so happy with where I am at and I can see the light that involves babies at the end of the tunnel. 

I think my better accomplishment is getting my parents to eat better, be conscious about the healthy vs. non-healthy things they are doing.  I was accused by a sister for being "high and mighty" because I was enlightening her on her meal choices, basically just saying it could be done another way.  This is no way to make myself feel more important than it is just trying so hard to make my family choose healthier things.  I was told if I had a baby first, she would be angry but with PCOS, if you don't lose weight, you can kiss your chances of baby goodbye.  I don't want to feel guilty anymore for losing weight and her not making better choices.

My husband is also 2 inches down on his waist and I am trying to encourage him like crazy.  Telling him I can notice his weight loss is important because I know he doesn't feel it.  People have also started to notice and have asked if I am "ok" and "healthy" and it is a super awkward convo to have.  I can't imagine the life I am going to live now that I have a complete different view of it.  My husband continues to support me daily and we talk a lot about how I feel disgusted some days to eat.  I hate feeling that way but I think I am terrified of gaining it back.  

On a last note, what is the deal with some doctors?? My dad went to his physician to talk to him about surgery because he has so many co-morbidities.  Insurance was going to completely cover it but the doc said he was too old and wouldn't even come close to the same results.  Then told him he would need more than two weeks of recovery??!!  So even though it meant diabetes going away and extending his life, he decided against it because the doc is biased.  It makes me so mad that they can't look at all these success stories and see that this is actually doing wonders in peoples lives. 

Well that is the end of my rant,

-S

So now that I am finally lucid enough, I have decided to write a little bit. I had my RNY procedure done on January 7, 2015 and I will never look back. The surgery itself went beautifully and my recovery has been amazing-in the words of the nurses and doc. I feel like crap and my torso hurts pretty bad but, unlike my gall bladder surgery, I feel good about it.  I am getting up every hour to move (besides when I sleep) and trying my hardest to get in water, which seems to be the hardest part. I am having points in time where I just want something crunchy and starch but I am staying true.

What I would suggest for someone having surgery? GET UP. Get up and move whenever your not asleep. Standing up makes you feel so much better and moves those gasses in your body. The ice chips helped the throat but it will hurt really bad. My throat stopped hurting 3 days after surgery.  I couldn't talk or breathe. You will feel so much pressure and think you can't breathe but it is because of the CO2 they pump in your body to move everything around. They try to suck it all out but sometimes they don't get it out (hence the gas). If the bottom of your sternum is hurting, it could be pain from your bottom rib. They have to basically extend that rib up and out to get a clearer image on the spot they need to work in.  It does feel like I may have cracked it but it is just pain from being moved. Your first day, try and sleep the whole time, if your on a pain pump don't be afraid to use it every time you can. I slept, and when I didn't sleep I walked or ate ice chips.  I think the sleeping helped the most because I was getting used to my current state. In addition, YOU WILL GAIN WEIGHT AFTER SURGERY. No worries, it is all water weight but it is going to take a few days if not more to get it off. Some people gain 10 pounds, I gained 4. I didn't lose it until today. That is pretty much all I have for hidden stuff you don't know about until your going through it.

On another note, I was just looking at my little health ticker and for some reason I never REALLY looked at it. I am down 22 pounds...I can't believe how much that looks on the ticker.  I lost all of that before surgery (technically from September when I started taking my ADD meds). I am so happy to think about what my weight loss will look like after a month, then 3 months, then 6 months and so on.  l am actually not looking forward to buying a new wardrobe but I am going to utilize stuff I kept (skinny jeans) and try to make them work. I also have some of my sisters clothes from when she was going through chemo and I would like to wear those.  I just don't want to spend the money...weird...i know.

The next step I am looking forward to is changing up my hair.  I don't know if a lot of people understand this but when your bigger, you shape everything around that. Your clothes are baggy in the right spots and your jeans are picked by stretchiness and not by cuteness factor.  You put back shirts that may be adorable but aren't in your size, or your afraid they run small. You don't even look at shorts or skirts. Your hair is styled by the shape of your face. I hold a lot of weight in my face, particularly my chin and not having to worry about that is going to be amazing. I didn't realize how much my life was centered around my weight and how big I am.

This is going to be the hardest part of growing mentally from this surgery, leaving my heavy mind behind.

Well that seems to be enough for now.

-S

It has definitely been awhile.  It has been a very quick 4 months since I have written. I have finished my fall semester at school, I have been denied and switched insurance and denied again.  I have been put on medication for ADD, and started having heart problems.  I'll start at the beginning...

In September I was diagnosed with ADD and put on medication for it.  I can't believe how much less I have to make my brain work.  It was a constant endeavor with my brain; focus, focus, focus.  I was putting myself through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy without knowing it; trying to train my brain to ignore the outside noises and stimuli and focus on what was at hand.  Without any work at all, I got A's and B's in school...okay I tried a little. 

I tried and tried to get insurance to follow through but I was told Cigna wouldn't cover unless you had a special plan and that plan had to be added through my husbands job.  Alas, I was told they would add it at renewal time in January.  The owner had, had it and wouldn't hesitate to put it on, or so I thought.  Turns out, 60k on their part was not worth it when all I had to pay was 15k.  I was devastated....my husband finally looked at me and said, "I know we have been trying to save up but you WILL get this surgery and we will pay for it on our own.  So a couple months later, we have finally finished saving up and will pay cash. 

My surgeon tried to get me to switch to the sleeve and said it would be less complicated on his part even though more expensive on mine.  Like never before, I stood my ground and said I wanted the RNY and only that.  I had done the most research on it and I wouldn't be turning all that time wasted. 

I had a mild heart attack in the middle of November and even though the doctor was very concerned, she realizes I will be getting surgery and told me it would be okay.  Let's just hope I pass my pre-admission tests and lab work.  I have heard the EKG and stress test are pretty ridic but hopefully it will work out.  I have come way too far to be pushed back down. 

On that note...It has been made VERY clear by every member of my family BESIDES my husband.  Even my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have told my husband their views.  It is so hard to keep a clear mind when everyone is fogging it up.  I am praying I won't lose my nerve the night before.  I WILL do this...for me....for my sister....for my life....for my future children!

I have a surgery date of January 7th.  Horrible timing for a few reasons:

1. My husband's birthday is that day.

2. My sister died a year ago on the 8th.

3. I go to school less than a week after surgery, about 3 days after I come home from the hospital.

I will not cancel for these reasons:

1. This is a start to a new life. My sister would have wanted it this way.

2. My husband supports me no matter what and I would rather be here for 60 more birthdays if I miss one.

3. I will be pretty much out of it for the anniversary of my sister's death...which will be to my benefit.

4. I will get busy right away and get in to a routine.

I know I can do this...I just wish my family knew that. I know writing helps and it clears my head.  Also, seeing all these wonderful before and after photos and planning my vacations for next year.  I will be a Matron of Honor for my best friends wedding, do some sea kayaking, let my husband teach me how to climb, and go on adventures of all kind.  I will do this for ME!

-S

There has been a lot going on in my life lately.  I was really angry and felt horrible on the 13th as this was supposed to be my surgery day.  I couldn't get over the fact that I had been denied for something clearly needed.  After being denied, I was going to put in an appeal and at the same time, my husband switched jobs.  I wanted to keep our insurance and elected to do a mini cobra plan.  After insurance jerking me around for nearly a month, I decided to hell with them.  If at any point you are offered Blue Cross Blue Shield of Wyoming, it's not worth it.  They are so unorganized and rude.  We sent a letter electing a cobra plan around July 6th and when I finally said to hell with them, it was August 4 and they still hadn't received the letter.  I was so frustrated and annoyed at how rude people can be when they are the ones doing something wrong.

After this, I decided we would try with my husbands new insurance plan (ie: Cigna) and found out that his employer didn't buy the plan that covers weight loss surgery.  After going through a bunch of hoops, I found out that they didn't know it didn't cover that as the owner of the company had gotten RNY 5ish years ago.  Turns out, Cigna changed their plans and are making employers pay so much more for this option that they deem "extra coverage".  So as the company is looking in to it, it wouldn't be added until renewal time in January and I am back to where I started.  It just seems like the world is telling me not to do this and I can't figure out why.  I am a perfect candidate for it (or so all the doctors/counselors/dieticians told me). 

My supportive and absolutely amazing husband sat me down after I got completely frustrated and told me we would save up and try to have enough to get the surgery in January.  $14,000 is a lot to save up just to have to hand it over in a check to the medical center.  He knows this is what I want and he wants to have babies and me to be healthy.  Did I mention he was pretty much amazing?

So as of right now, I am going to make sure to get all the things Cigna wants and save money as well and just hope at the last minute (renewal time) that it is covered and we have $14,000 as a chunk of my husbands dream truck.  With everything gone wrong in my entire life, I think I am overdue for some good things to start happening.  I just have to keep praying and hoping for a break.  I won't quit because someone put a tree trunk in my road.

-S

I was talking to my insurance yesterday and found out I had been denied for surgery.  They didn't see 5 years of being obese or 5 years of trying to get it off.  To say I am devastated is the least; I feel like no one wants to help me.  I know what I have done trying to get this weight off, I know what I have tried over and over again.  I know it doesn't work and for them to tell me they don't believe me is horrible.  I just want to be able to have a baby before I am 30 and to feel better and not have all these symptoms.  I am so over people telling me what will work. 

After I told my Mother what they said, she just said, "well keep taking in protein and working on it".  Seriously? I just can't seem to get it right anymore.  With everything going on with my life and this was my hope...now that is gone too. 

I also called the surgical center to ask why I wasn't called by them to let me know I had been denied. (Insurance contacted them 2 weeks ago).  I can't get anyone to call me back on what I need to do to fix this.  I know I can write an appeal letter and see if I can try and change their minds.  I honestly don't know what I am going to do if I can't.  I know I won't be able to have a child.  I am praying for an answer to what I am supposed to do.

-S

I have been feeling very uncomfortable lately.  I guess just heavy and feeling overall very large.  Its breaking my heart today and I am not sure why I feel insanely different.  I haven't heard back from insurance and I am not totally sure my surgeon even sent it out.  I have called multiple times trying to figure that out but no one is calling me back. It makes me a tad unwell. 

I had lost around 8 pounds and ended up gaining back another 6ish.  I just can't win with it but even so, I feel like its useless because I haven't heard from insurance.  It's just one of those days that I feel like wrapping myself in a blanket and staying in bed with Pretty Little Liars.....

-S

I really can't believe it and I am trying so so hard not to get my hopes up.

Why?

I don't know if insurance is going to pull through for me.  I am terrified that they will call me in a few days or next week and say "I am so sorry but your insurance consists of a bunch of asshats". 

So here is how my appointment went:

I went in (way too early because of nerves) and gave her all my patient forms, I was surprised that they got me in thirty minutes early than my scheduled appointment.  I first met with a VERY lovely nurse who took vitals and what not.  She told me that my goal of 140 lbs was too far down as I have a bigger frame.  A more realistic number is going to be 165; 70% of weight lost from now is going to be 192 but because I am young, I may get down to that 165 mark.  That is almost 100 lbs so this girl isn't complaining.  Exit nurse, enter the wonderful Dr. Quaid.

Dr. Quaid is a very calm, cool, and collected man; oh and tall, I need to mention that. He was very gentle and let me know that the surgery is my decision and which surgery I would like is also my decision.  I was leaning more toward RNY because of my PCOS but he told me he has seen other PCOSers have the Sleeve and it went really well.  I have done all my research on RNY so more research is definitely going to be needed.  I just want to have a baby by the end of this.  He understood what I asked and answered very clearly and made sure I understood as well. Exit doctor, enter Pam.

Pam has been chatting with me since I made the decision to call and talk to her about it initially.  It was nice to see...er...rather hear, a familiar voice.  She explained to me what happens with insurance (terrified party of 1).  She also explained to me the entire process from here to August 13th.  Did I mention that is the perfect day? Reason 1: Only 2 months away, 2: before school and giving me enough time to recover before it starts, 3: a couple weeks before my birthday! Happy Birthday to me!  As I left, I made sure to drop a quarter in to the fountain and prayed to the coin goddesses that insurance will pull through for me. 

So I guess here is the start of something (hopefully) wonderful.  Next step, psych evaluation and dietary meeting; is it ridiculous that I am more nervous for the dietary meeting than the psych eval? :)  I hope all of you that are looking to have surgery and feeling down because of the process get to where you need/want to be.  

I will make sure to put a few coins in for you all next time.

-S.    

I haven't been on here in awhile because I just decided I wasn't into thinking about it.  I even decided maybe it wasn't meant to be because I just didn't see it actually happening.  Since then, I have been inadvertently trying to have a baby, very actively and haven't had any luck.  Add that to the list of problems right? Well anyway, brings me to now.  I just went to my first seminar and I feel so much better about my original decision.  Even better, I brought my husband along with me and he is on the support wagon now which is even better. I feel like I am on the right road to where I want to be.  I was rereading one of my posts from a couple months ago and I realized I had added all these reasons I wanted to do this for myself and today I really sat and thought about it and changed it to one huge reason.  I want to have a baby, but not only that, I want to have a happy and healthy pregnancy as well.  I want to enjoy being pregnant and not feeling like a blob that you can't even tell is pregnant.  I know I am young and it seems early in my life to do this but I have a less chance of sagging skin right now, I can get my life and health on track and I can run with my children and take pictures without wanting to cry.  I won't give any more clothes to my older sisters and mom because they are too small for me.

I think I am more happy that I talked to the surgical nurse about my pcos and asked her how many people they have seen with it.  She said they have quite a few women with this problem and they do send insurance pcos as a medical condition for surgery.  This makes me incredibly happy because one of the main things about pcos is weight gain. 

I am so happy I am finally getting this ball rolling but I know there is still a chance that insurance won't come through....I won't let myself get my hopes up for someone to tell me that they don't want to help.

S 

I hate to say this but I guess I have some apprehensiveness about surgery now.  I know, I know, call me what you want but it's just the heebie jeebies.  I did feel better coming on to this site to read and write.  I hate to say but it's becoming sort of a crutch because no one understands my "fat days"; where I feel miserable and just want something to look cute but all I can think is, "Oh my gosh look how big I look".  I think it hit me more the other day when I found out my scale was not giving me the right number.  It was showing 269 and staying around there and the doctor's scale showed 7 pounds more.  It was a hit that my psychie couldn't take.  It seems like it's the only thing on my mind lately; but now instead of thinking "what am I going to do with all this, I am so huge" talk it has turned more to, "I am going to see a surgeon and he/she is going to help me get to where I want to be". 

I never thought I would get to that point of being able to say that.  I feel like I am going to be fat forever and that is just who I am.  I am that girl that never gets hit on, that feels nervous naked in front of her husband, loves swimming but can't stand myself in a bathing suit.  I know, this is a lot of hate talk but there is an upside.  Now what seems to cloud my mind is, this time next year, I could lose a whole person.  I could look back at my size 24 jeans and say "wow, how did I ever fill those".  My mom and sisters and brother won't talk about how big I am behind my back, they won't get me inconspicuous work out gifts like a shake weight or wraps.  I say thank you but in reality, it kills me every time I hear a comment or get those kinds of gifts.  My sister got me a shake weight before my wedding when I was feeling good that I lost 15 pounds.  "You could tone up those arms since everyone will see them at the wedding" was her reasoning behind it. 

There are so many reasons why I want to be healthy and fit again. This is the tip of the iceberg that is my thoughts and reasoning.  One day, no...someday soon will be my time. 

One a completely different note, I was reading some blogs about how this woman didn't want anyone to know she had WLS.  I know how she feels, I don't want anyone to know; but you can't keep them from asking "how did you do it?"  Is that the dreaded question people face after taking this journey? 

I ventured out and told my sister about my plans; she has PCOS like me and faces the same problems.  Her first doctor approved her to see someone for RNY and her second doctor said she didn't need to do that.  She said to me, "That is really dangerous, can't you just try insanity.  It really works for me."  I tried P90X and I did it for a month and a half and couldn't get through it.  I felt pains (not the good muscle kind), I felt so tired that I couldn't get through any and it made me feel worse than I already did.  I know there is a stigma and I understand why some people may feel that way but, why should my decision make you think so much less of me.  I don't want to have a heart attack when I am 35, nor do I want to be in this condition for the next 20 years.  Hell, I don't want to be in this condition for another 2.  I want to live a life, not just watch it happen.  My sister left this world because of cancer and she didn't get to live a full life.  She barely got to live at all....I need to be able to do this...for me....and for her.

S