False Happy

Aug 02, 2015

I was thinking today, and realizing that the last time I posted, I was celebrating a wonderful accomplishment; under 200 lbs.  So why do I feel today that being stuck at 160 is horrible and depressing? I was 280 lbs when I started this journey, I was dangerously overweight, constantly sick, unhappy and frustratingly {stuck}.  What does that even mean, {stuck}? Stuck in what exactly?

I have been having days where I am not happy.  Not happy with what is my current question.  I have a wonderful husband, a big house, two wonderful dogs; I am done with school, for the time being, and unemployed.  I am not super upset at even being unemployed but I feel like there is this giant black cloud over me.  I wanted to get pregnant and we were trying but I decided I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was caught up in the excitement that my cousin was pregnant and wanted to experience that so bad, I think my husband even got caught up in it.  I don't want the reason we have a baby because someone else is.  I also became super terrified that these {mood swings} would create a very hostile environment for pregnant me. 

Then I started to realize, I am not happy at where my body is.  I wanted to be fit and see muscle, I don't think I am there yet. Will I ever {feel} like I am there? I think there is still a 280 frame of mind in me. I can't seem to realize I am no longer that weight. Do you ever become happy?

I have also completely lost my drive.  I don't know how long I have been feeling this way but it is hard to stay out of bed most days.  I just want to curl up, watch Ghost Whisperer and not leave. I was so happy going to the gym for the longest time and now I have even lost that drive? What is happening?

I am starting to eat like I used to, "eating my feelings" and I desperately don't want to be in that place again.

I am not sure what I am asking for, {drive, hope, happiness} but I just want to feel like a new me again. Does that make sense?

-S

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